Pun Stories by Lori: Dear Andy Gives Healthy Advice

Updated on February 27, 2019
lambservant profile image

Lori loves a good punchline. She loves to write humor to make people laugh and not take life too seriously.

Meet Andy

Puns are really corny and they are not for everyone. I personally enjoy them a lot. Puns will either make you laugh or groan. I think the groaning ones can be the funniest, but what do I know? I hope you'll enjoy this installment of Pun Stories by Lori series.

Andy is a newspaper advice columnist like Dear Abby. People write to him for advice on relationships, life decisions, and personal problems. Some people just write in to whine. The theme in this installment is a health food theme.

See how wise Andy can be. Perhaps he will solve one of your problems. Wouldn't that be nice? Eat your heart out.

I'm Having a Relationship Problem

Dear Andy,

I don't know where to vegan. I'm having a relationship problem and it's driving me nuts. In my former life, I sowed a lot of wild oats. I lived a free range existence. I'm not proud of it, but I can't change my past. I'm older now and I am free of raging hormones. That means I am no longer a wild caught bachelor. But I have been lonely and looking for an extra-virgin bride to settle down with. I thought I'd finally found her. Her name is Olive. We are deeply in love, so I proposed to her last week and Agave her a ring. But now, chia's mad at me because I have to move to Brussels to sprout my budding career as an international kalesman. She does not want to go overpeas. What should I do? -- Berry Confused

Andy's Advice to Berry Confused

Dear Berry Confused,

If you are to have a sustainable relationship with your bride-to-be, you must find out if fear of making a trans-fatlantic flight could be the real culprit. If that's the case, take her by cruise ship. The sea salt air would be good for her. Make it a honeymoon.

If she's just a homegrown woman who wants to live local, then you must decide between her happiness or your career creams. I hope this kelps. Good luck.

"...take her by cruise ship. The sea salt air would be good for her."
"...take her by cruise ship. The sea salt air would be good for her." | Source

Dad Won't Take Me Out Anymore

Dear Andy,

Dad has always said I am the apple of his eye. He has often oranged fun outings with me on the weekends. We always have a lot of fun. Now Dad has stopped. I asked him why and he said he's plum wore out. I begged him one day to take me to the park but he gave me the raspberries and turned on the TV. The next week I asked him if he would take me to the movies. He said he couldn't because he had a honeydew list Mom gave him. I miss my fun dates with Dad. What can I do? -- Disappointed Apple

Andy's Advice to Disappointed Apple

Dear Disappointed Apple,

I am sorry you are experiencing this disappointment. Your Papaya sounds like a grape guy who loves you. It also sounds like he may be feeling a little meloncauli, like his spirits are squashed. He's only cumin after all. Why don't you surprise him by inviting him to lunch to say thank you for all he's done for you and because you love him so much you want to bless him.

Another thing to try is to make thyme to do something together at home. A game, watch a movie or TV show, whatever you both enjoy doing.

Don't fret. I know this will work out for you.

Andy

Disappointed Apple and her dad.
Disappointed Apple and her dad. | Source

A Senior Is Being Leafed Out

Dear Andy,

I am a ninety-one-year-old woman who goes to church faithfully every Sunday. I am honored to have been the organic player for over sixty years and singing in the choir for fifty-five years. The reason I'm writing is the church is planning a spring mixer party for singles. They are hiring Rosemary and Romaine Greens, a country music singing couple in our church to do the entertainment and not me. I got over that and decided I would just participate as a single. They are saying I'm too old to attend and I'd better not turnip at the party. I feel so leafed out. What can I do to curry their favor? Peas help.

Disgruntled Granny

Andy's Advice to Disgruntled Granny

Dear Disgruntled Granny,

I think your attitude could be parsely the problem, depending on how you ask them. Are you peppering them with requests and demands? If so, I think you butternut do that anymore. A spring mixer party for singles does not usually play church music for entertainment. I think you are wise sage if you drop it.

As to attending as part of the singles group, they should allow you to. Since they are saying no, it raisins questions about their attitudes toward seniors. Cayenne sure this problem is not insoluble. Pray about it and possibly talk to your pastor. Good luck.

Andy

The Disgruntled Granny.
The Disgruntled Granny. | Source

Weird Niece and Nephew

Dear Andy,

I have anise and nephew I clove dearly but they're just plain weird. My niece is a nut named Meg. She drives her teachers bananas. She was recently expellared from school and ran away to saffroncisco with a boy named Corie Ander. They returned after a week. Now she is on macademia probation and may not graduate on time.

My nephew Herbs is a spud muffin who attracts women like bees to honey. He has different dates each night. He figures life is a lemon without a lime of women waiting outside his door to go out with him. The other night he took one girl to the cinnamon to see a movie. He thought she was so peachy that he wanted to drop everything and take her to Vegas to get married. When she told him she cantaloupe, he blew up at her like a mushroom cloud from a nuclear bomb. She, in turn, dropped him like a hot potato.

My niece and nephew - what a pear. They are becoming more seedier. I want to have a talk with them but my husband said if I want to preservative a relationship with my sister, their mother, I should reflax and let it go. What do you think?

Cold Pressed Auntie

Andy's Answer to Cold Pressed Auntie

Dear Cold Pressed Auntie,

It's only natural to want to talk some sense into your niece and nephew, however, I think your husband is right. You should extract yourself from playing a mother roll. They already have a mom. Trying to set them straight is a recipe for disaster to your sibling relationship.

The best thing to do is pray for them, love them, and let their parents handle them.

Andy

Husband with a Midlife Crisis

Dear Andy,

My husband is having a midlife crisis. He recently grew a pistachio and beard. He doesn't keep it trim so when he kisses me it scratches. He also lost fifty pounds by exercising. He has a routine of running through a park trail mixed with calisthenics. And get this, he spends half an hour every morning brushing his teeth with super whitening toothpaste. He also sold our minivan and bought a cherry red Maserati.

I fennely had enough when he came home today and told me he wanted to supplement our marriage by doing something wild and crazy together - mango dance lessons. My husband has two left beet like you wouldn't believe. So I told him I would rather have a brain tumeric than go to mango lessons with him. Now he says I'm cold and calls me his iceberg wife. Is it me that's the problem or him?

I'm Tofuul

PS I know you're the same age as my husband so I hope my statements weren't offensive to you.

Andy's Answer to I'm Tofuul

Dear I'm Tofuul,

You can rest assured, your letter was anti-inflammatory toward me. This may not be the answer you're hoping for, but I think you need to lighten up a bit. You are too parsnipity. You act as though your husband is a certified egg head for wanting to spice up your marriage and have a little excitement in life.

If you are around the same age as your husband, perhaps the reason you find his midlife crisis offensive is because you, dear lady, may well be hormonal - think MENOPAUSE. See your doctor and a therapist right away soy you will no longer go against the grain of your husband's new found desires. Don't let this resentment germinate any further. Join your husband and make your marriage bran new. Best of luck.

Andy

Husband in a midlife crisis.
Husband in a midlife crisis.

The Aging Tart Wife

Dear Andy,

My wife Ginger has brassy red hair. She dyes it but will deny it to her dying day (no pun intended). When we first married, she had dirty blonde hair. She lightened it to a pretty blonde, then strawberry blonde, then to auburn, then to carrot red, and now brassy red. Now that she's aging, she slathers blue and green eye shadow all over her lids. Worst of all, she pumps all that collagen junk into her lips and paints them blaring red. Her mom was the same way. I guess the acorn doesn't fall far from the tree. The other night she sneezed really hard at a dinner party -Cas-hew. The force of the sneeze sent her eyelashes flying and they landed in our hosts Margarita.

Andy, it takes most of my weekly celery for her to look like a middle-aged tart. She looks like she belongs in a brothel. She is so freely radical I can't hold my head up. I cut off her allowance and now her roots are growing in gray and I'm sleeping in the den.

I am convinced pecan work this out but I don't know how to go about it.

Please advise.

Rooting for Reconciliation

Andy's Answer to Rooting for Reconciliation

Dear Rooting for Reconciliation,

Oh my. Somehow you must convince Ginger she is beautiful and sexy in a more natural state, that she's nowhere near being put out to pasture. Don't let on that she's grazy as a bat. Take her to Las Vegas and let her gamble to win omega bucks to pay for a professional bakeover. Tell her black has bean the sexiest hair color for decades. Remind her also that marriage is a sacred onion of two bodies and souls. Tell her how badly you want to legume your relationship. I wish you all the luck in the world.

Andy

Well that's it for today's story. I hope you enjoyed all these fine people and their problems. Stay tuned for the next episode of Pun Storied by Lori.

Questions & Answers

    © 2019 Lori Colbo

    Comments

      0 of 8192 characters used
      Post Comment
      • lambservant profile imageAUTHOR

        Lori Colbo 

        3 weeks ago from Pacific Northwest

        I do try Bill. Thanks for stopping by.

      • lifegate profile image

        William Kovacic 

        3 weeks ago from Pleasant Gap, PA

        I'm not if I laughed or groaned more, but for sure, I did both. You can be sure not everybody has the ability to get away with your pain writing like you do. You do it so very well!

      • lambservant profile imageAUTHOR

        Lori Colbo 

        3 weeks ago from Pacific Northwest

        Hello Paula, I am so glad you enjoyed Dear Andy. These pun stories are so much fun to write. Glad I could give your a laugh today.

      • fpherj48 profile image

        Paula 

        3 weeks ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

        OMG! Lori, this settles it. You are a creative genius!! Seriously, I LMAO!! tears streaming down my face! Love LOVE this....especially the niece and nephew...that one made me lose my breath! and the hubby with the floosy wife!!LOL

        You are gifted my dear. I hope you realize the ability to make people laugh is a true blessing!

        I so wish we could still share hubs but I'll circulate this any way I can!

        I'm all laughed out!! Paula

      • lambservant profile imageAUTHOR

        Lori Colbo 

        3 weeks ago from Pacific Northwest

        Eric, your brother won a grammy?

      • lambservant profile imageAUTHOR

        Lori Colbo 

        3 weeks ago from Pacific Northwest

        Pamela, I am so glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for stopping by.

      • Ericdierker profile image

        Eric Dierker 

        3 weeks ago from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A.

        Miss young Lori, you know me, I always like to come back for a second bite of the apple. You made me realize that I have to give my youngin more ooush in this regard. My Grammy nominated brother tells me "get her done brother". Thanks. We will be back.

      • Pamela99 profile image

        Pamela Oglesby 

        3 weeks ago from Sunny Florida

        This pun article is very cleverly written and really funny. The puns were so funny and they reflect your creativity.

      • lambservant profile imageAUTHOR

        Lori Colbo 

        3 weeks ago from Pacific Northwest

        Hi Dora, I'm glad you caught that pun. I don't know why but I laughed out loud when it came to me. Thanks for visiting.

      • MsDora profile image

        Dora Weithers 

        3 weeks ago from The Caribbean

        Thoroughly enjoyable! I will remember that Cash-ew sneeze among some of your other fun puns. You've got some talent there, Lori.

      • lambservant profile imageAUTHOR

        Lori Colbo 

        3 weeks ago from Pacific Northwest

        Pop, Glad you stopped by and enjoyed my efforts to amuse. Take care.

      • lambservant profile imageAUTHOR

        Lori Colbo 

        3 weeks ago from Pacific Northwest

        Eric, you just gave me an idea for another installment - medical theme. Thanks, buddy.

      • shanmarie profile image

        Shannon Henry 

        3 weeks ago from Texas

        Very creative of you, Lori. I'm certain I would never have thought of anything like this. :)

      • breakfastpop profile image

        breakfastpop 

        3 weeks ago

        You are amazing! I love every single thing you wrote.

      • Ericdierker profile image

        Eric Dierker 

        3 weeks ago from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A.

        Lori my dinner table in youth was covered with puns. In that it was lead doctor and nurse it was more that morbid medical humor. Surgical mostly. Staying up with it was a task that I loved. I was youngest so I sat next to mom's right hand and the other 6 or more were at their station in the family. Puns are not an "if" they are a necessity. This old dog still can't run one for a smile.

        But yours surely put a pound on my grin - thanks.

      working

      This website uses cookies

      As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, letterpile.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

      For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://letterpile.com/privacy-policy#gdpr

      Show Details
      Necessary
      HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
      LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
      Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
      AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
      HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
      HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
      Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
      CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
      Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
      Features
      Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
      Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
      Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
      Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
      Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
      VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
      PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
      Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
      MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
      Marketing
      Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
      Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
      Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
      SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
      Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
      Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
      AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
      OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
      Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
      TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
      Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
      Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
      Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
      Statistics
      Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
      ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
      Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)