Pun Stories by Lori: Dear Andy Gives Healthy Advice
Puns are really corny and they are not for everyone. I personally enjoy them a lot. Puns will either make you laugh or groan. I think the groaning ones can be the funniest, but what do I know? I hope you'll enjoy this installment of Pun Stories by Lori series.
Andy is a newspaper advice columnist like Dear Abby. People write to him for advice on relationships, life decisions, and personal problems. Some people just write in to whine. The theme in this installment is a health food theme.
See how wise Andy can be. Perhaps he will solve one of your problems. Wouldn't that be nice? Eat your heart out.
I'm Having a Relationship Problem
I don't know where to vegan. I'm having a relationship problem and it's driving me nuts. In my former life, I sowed a lot of wild oats. I lived a free range existence. I'm not proud of it, but I can't change my past. I'm older now and I am free of raging hormones. That means I am no longer a wild caught bachelor. But I have been lonely and looking for an extra-virgin bride to settle down with. I thought I'd finally found her. Her name is Olive. We are deeply in love, so I proposed to her last week and Agave her a ring. But now, chia's mad at me because I have to move to Brussels to sprout my budding career as an international kalesman. She does not want to go overpeas. What should I do? -- Berry Confused
Andy's Advice to Berry Confused
Dear Berry Confused,
If you are to have a sustainable relationship with your bride-to-be, you must find out if fear of making a trans-fatlantic flight could be the real culprit. If that's the case, take her by cruise ship. The sea salt air would be good for her. Make it a honeymoon.
If she's just a homegrown woman who wants to live local, then you must decide between her happiness or your career creams. I hope this kelps. Good luck.
Dad Won't Take Me Out Anymore
Dad has always said I am the apple of his eye. He has often oranged fun outings with me on the weekends. We always have a lot of fun. Now Dad has stopped. I asked him why and he said he's plum wore out. I begged him one day to take me to the park but he gave me the raspberries and turned on the TV. The next week I asked him if he would take me to the movies. He said he couldn't because he had a honeydew list Mom gave him. I miss my fun dates with Dad. What can I do? -- Disappointed Apple
Andy's Advice to Disappointed Apple
Dear Disappointed Apple,
I am sorry you are experiencing this disappointment. Your Papaya sounds like a grape guy who loves you. It also sounds like he may be feeling a little meloncauli, like his spirits are squashed. He's only cumin after all. Why don't you surprise him by inviting him to lunch to say thank you for all he's done for you and because you love him so much you want to bless him.
Another thing to try is to make thyme to do something together at home. A game, watch a movie or TV show, whatever you both enjoy doing.
Don't fret. I know this will work out for you.
A Senior Is Being Leafed Out
I am a ninety-one-year-old woman who goes to church faithfully every Sunday. I am honored to have been the organic player for over sixty years and singing in the choir for fifty-five years. The reason I'm writing is the church is planning a spring mixer party for singles. They are hiring Rosemary and Romaine Greens, a country music singing couple in our church to do the entertainment and not me. I got over that and decided I would just participate as a single. They are saying I'm too old to attend and I'd better not turnip at the party. I feel so leafed out. What can I do to curry their favor? Peas help.
Andy's Advice to Disgruntled Granny
Dear Disgruntled Granny,
I think your attitude could be parsely the problem, depending on how you ask them. Are you peppering them with requests and demands? If so, I think you butternut do that anymore. A spring mixer party for singles does not usually play church music for entertainment. I think you are wise sage if you drop it.
As to attending as part of the singles group, they should allow you to. Since they are saying no, it raisins questions about their attitudes toward seniors. Cayenne sure this problem is not insoluble. Pray about it and possibly talk to your pastor. Good luck.
Weird Niece and Nephew
I have anise and nephew I clove dearly but they're just plain weird. My niece is a nut named Meg. She drives her teachers bananas. She was recently expellared from school and ran away to saffroncisco with a boy named Corie Ander. They returned after a week. Now she is on macademia probation and may not graduate on time.
My nephew Herbs is a spud muffin who attracts women like bees to honey. He has different dates each night. He figures life is a lemon without a lime of women waiting outside his door to go out with him. The other night he took one girl to the cinnamon to see a movie. He thought she was so peachy that he wanted to drop everything and take her to Vegas to get married. When she told him she cantaloupe, he blew up at her like a mushroom cloud from a nuclear bomb. She, in turn, dropped him like a hot potato.
My niece and nephew - what a pear. They are becoming more seedier. I want to have a talk with them but my husband said if I want to preservative a relationship with my sister, their mother, I should reflax and let it go. What do you think?
Cold Pressed Auntie
Andy's Answer to Cold Pressed Auntie
Dear Cold Pressed Auntie,
It's only natural to want to talk some sense into your niece and nephew, however, I think your husband is right. You should extract yourself from playing a mother roll. They already have a mom. Trying to set them straight is a recipe for disaster to your sibling relationship.
The best thing to do is pray for them, love them, and let their parents handle them.
Husband with a Midlife Crisis
My husband is having a midlife crisis. He recently grew a pistachio and beard. He doesn't keep it trim so when he kisses me it scratches. He also lost fifty pounds by exercising. He has a routine of running through a park trail mixed with calisthenics. And get this, he spends half an hour every morning brushing his teeth with super whitening toothpaste. He also sold our minivan and bought a cherry red Maserati.
I fennely had enough when he came home today and told me he wanted to supplement our marriage by doing something wild and crazy together - mango dance lessons. My husband has two left beet like you wouldn't believe. So I told him I would rather have a brain tumeric than go to mango lessons with him. Now he says I'm cold and calls me his iceberg wife. Is it me that's the problem or him?
PS I know you're the same age as my husband so I hope my statements weren't offensive to you.
Andy's Answer to I'm Tofuul
Dear I'm Tofuul,
You can rest assured, your letter was anti-inflammatory toward me. This may not be the answer you're hoping for, but I think you need to lighten up a bit. You are too parsnipity. You act as though your husband is a certified egg head for wanting to spice up your marriage and have a little excitement in life.
If you are around the same age as your husband, perhaps the reason you find his midlife crisis offensive is because you, dear lady, may well be hormonal - think MENOPAUSE. See your doctor and a therapist right away soy you will no longer go against the grain of your husband's new found desires. Don't let this resentment germinate any further. Join your husband and make your marriage bran new. Best of luck.
The Aging Tart Wife
My wife Ginger has brassy red hair. She dyes it but will deny it to her dying day (no pun intended). When we first married, she had dirty blonde hair. She lightened it to a pretty blonde, then strawberry blonde, then to auburn, then to carrot red, and now brassy red. Now that she's aging, she slathers blue and green eye shadow all over her lids. Worst of all, she pumps all that collagen junk into her lips and paints them blaring red. Her mom was the same way. I guess the acorn doesn't fall far from the tree. The other night she sneezed really hard at a dinner party -Cas-hew. The force of the sneeze sent her eyelashes flying and they landed in our hosts Margarita.
Andy, it takes most of my weekly celery for her to look like a middle-aged tart. She looks like she belongs in a brothel. She is so freely radical I can't hold my head up. I cut off her allowance and now her roots are growing in gray and I'm sleeping in the den.
I am convinced pecan work this out but I don't know how to go about it.
Rooting for Reconciliation
Andy's Answer to Rooting for Reconciliation
Dear Rooting for Reconciliation,
Oh my. Somehow you must convince Ginger she is beautiful and sexy in a more natural state, that she's nowhere near being put out to pasture. Don't let on that she's grazy as a bat. Take her to Las Vegas and let her gamble to win omega bucks to pay for a professional bakeover. Tell her black has bean the sexiest hair color for decades. Remind her also that marriage is a sacred onion of two bodies and souls. Tell her how badly you want to legume your relationship. I wish you all the luck in the world.
Well that's it for today's story. I hope you enjoyed all these fine people and their problems. Stay tuned for the next episode of Pun Storied by Lori.
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