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What 9 Types of Dad Shoes Say About You

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What is the "Dad Shoe"

Before we get started, the Dad Shoe is the common reference to the New Balance shoe that is stained green from cutting the grass. It is often accompanied by khaki cargo shorts or a t-shirt tucked into jean shorts. While this trend started as a joke, fathers everywhere are taking it as literal fashion advice. While it may be the style of a few, I'd like to break down other alternatives to this horrible fashion trend for those of us who do not wish to appear so... khaki.

Before I get hate mail from fathers everywhere, this is a humor piece. The real dad doesn't concern himself with the opinions of others.

New Balance 608 & Nike Air Monarch IV

What this shoe says about you:

You are a basic father. Not a threat, drinks draft beer, enjoy grilling and yard work, and probably meet every 1990's sitcom father stereotype. You are most likely married and your wife has zero fear that women are looking at you. Your kids are probably young and you see yourself as a good father but behind closed doors you know you make mistakes. You are not known to take risks and probably have a basic job, passive attitude, and the word "athletic" has never been used to describe you. You enjoy comfort over fashion and are probably decades behind being "hip".

Skater Shoes

What this shoe says about you:


You are a "cool" dad. You may not remember the birthday of your kid but you know what makes them laugh. Mom might handle all the doctor visits and shot records but you sneak your child a Redbull and stay up late watching anime with them while the rest of the house is asleep. You might work a blue collar job and have hung on to your senior year of high school a bit too long but you're the life of the party. You can be found on the children slide at the playground while the New Balance dad stands watch over his own kid, hands on hips, by the entrance of the park. Your kid will grow up to be confident and fearless. When your kid grows older, you will be always be called for fatherly advice. You're less likely to be hard on punishment but the child will probably listen to you out of respect and example. You and your kid are best friends which can leave room for fatherly improvement.

Sandals

What this shoe says about you:


You have no style and, though you try, your attempts at social interactions receive pity over admiration. You're not likely to know too much about sports, fishing, hunting, changing a tire, or how to use a hammer but your preferred bathroom reading material is the U.S. Tax Law handbook. You probably travel quite a bit on family vacations but even in your home town you appear as a tourist. You probably pay someone to cut your grass and then stand by the curb talking to neighbors about the lawn like you had something to do with it. You like to talk to anyone and people often find themselves very uncomfortable finding a way to depart prolonged conversations about how the Roman Empire contributed to it's own demise when they simply asked how your day was. You like to give unsolicited advice. Your top 5 movies of all time are black and white. Your child is likely to start rebelling your smothering stance long before the teenage years. Your wife has higher testosterone levels than you.

Work Boots

What this shoe says about you:


You teach your kids hard work and have little sympathy for whining. When you actually have energy left from your 12 hour work day, you enjoy teaching your 4 year old how to wire an electrical outlet as a life lesson. Nothing today is as good as it was back in your day. You have guns on you, plural, right now. On the weekends that you're not working, you enjoy physical activities with the children such as fishing, hunting, playing catch, and throwing them as high as you can. You're likely to let your kids learn from their mistakes and believe a scraped knee is a badge of honor. While you're too tired to ever actually raise your voice, your kids know that you are the law of the land and will not hesitate to calmly take off your belt in isle 9 of Wal-Mart. Your primary job as father is making money for the family. You're down to earth and easy to talk to but have a small social circle outside of your 9am-9pm work schedule.

Crocs

What this shoe says about you:


We all have Crocs and we all love to wear them in private but if you choose to wear them past your mailbox, you are likely to also be wearing pajamas at the gas station. It's a fair bet that your greatest accomplishment as a father is somehow becoming a father. You most likely never saw the inside of a 9th grade classroom and have the minimum wage job to prove it. Your kids are probably not as cared for as the law defines child care. A dad who wears Crocs in public has probably left their 4 year old at home because they're "old enough". This one will be short because the Croc wearing dads can't read it anyway.

Flip Flops

What this shoe says about you:

You're probably the highest form of average dad there is in the land. You're in and out of the house so much that it's easier to slide them on when your run out for a quick game of catch, mowing the grass, grilling, going to the store, or basically anywhere other than work. You see flip flops as the only shoe needed outside of work and care more about life experiences than flashy footwear. While mature, you're probably a big kid at heart and can be found wrestling children on the floor, consensually, unlike the Croc dad. You probably have a vivid imagination, fun loving personality, and adventurous. You'd get along well with the Skater Shoe dad but you have a smaller group of like minded dad friends that you'd rather have play-dates and couples dates with. You share memes in group texts and your kids friends probably call you "dad" or "dad#2".

Slides

What this shoe says about you:

You have kids. You might not know it, but you do. That's what those state issued deductions keep getting taken out of your paycheck for. You're in someones phone as either "bio-dad" or "tha ex". You probably have more kids than all the other dads combined. If you're not playing video games, you're working a part time job to pay rent to your mom. Croc dad calls you a bad dad. Croc dad. You have at least 2 known baby mommas and possibly a warrant in another state. Alternatively, you're a 14 year old who messed up big time. Either way, you have the same mentality.

Dress Shoes

What this shoe says about you:


You're rich. We get it. No one goes to a t-ball game in a dress suit unless they have the money to buy a small island. We're not even sure if your kid is actually a kid or if you're raising your grandchild. We give you weird looks because there has to be an age that men can't have kids anymore, right? We're also jealous that you can take out your hearing aid to get a good night sleep. Your kids probably will never work a day in their life and you don't understand why other kids are forced to socialize. You probably have one of those genius minds that don't socialize well, not that people aren't too intimidated to talk to you anyway. You can use your money and connections to donate your kids through life. You have a nanny who does the actual fathering but still review the tapes to make sure she's doing it right.

Loafers

What this shoe says about you:

We're not sure. You either built and own a million dollar construction company or you smoke weed in the shower. You tend to put up with your kids instead of raise them, or you teach them how to sail on the weekends. You're the type of dad who likes to network and socialize. You make everyone feel comfortable around you and want to invite you over for dinner. They just need to find out if you're a drug smuggler or a C.E.O. first. Again, you're really confusing us. Just being around other people is enough to inspire them. Everything you say is absolutely memorizing and you seem to be the most captivating person we've ever met. We just need to know if you're a hippie or a down-to-earth rich dude.

Choose your shoe