The 2016 PC Police Conference
Planning Committee Members
The planning committee for 2016 National PC Police Conference consists of twelve people from various walks of life. Their goal is to decide where to have the conference and all the particulars of setting up such an event.
The committee members are as follows:
Benjamin Bigwig, corporate CEO
Angel Diva, pop music star
Reginald (Reggie) Faith, comparative religion professor
Donald Donkeyman, Democratic Congressman
Isaac Elephante, Republican Senator
Ronald Eevolution, professor of science at Darwin University
Dylan Dude, college student
Kyle Burger, fast food cook
Matthew Media, journalist
Ashley Attitude, feminist
Forrest Treelove, Conservationist
Deborah Diversity, corporate sensitivity workshop trainer
Benjamin Bigwig (referred to as Ben) is committee head and opens the meeting.
Choosing the venue
Ben: Hello everyone. Thanks for coming today. I think we have a very diverse group here, and I know we can work together to make the 2016 National PC Police Conference a smashing success. The first order of business is to decide where to have the conference. Since the conference is slated for Washington D.C., we need to come up with a venue. Any ideas?
Donald: Well, what comes to mind right offhand is the Mayflower Hotel.
Dylan: Mayflower? Dude, I don't know, that might be offensive to the Native Americans.
Deborah: Oh, I see what you mean, Dylan. We all know what happened to the Native American's once white man came over on the Mayflower.
Angel: I once performed at an event at the Mandarin Oriental Hotel. It was very impressive.
Matthew: Nah, the word Oriental is racist and would offend the Asian population. And it will exclude people who prefer apples and mangos over madarins.
Angel: Hmm. Good point.
Ronald: What about the Holiday Inn?
Isaac: Yeah, that seems fairly innocuous.
Reggie: No way. That would offend the Jehovah's Witnesses because they are against celebrating holidays of any kind.
Ronald : Never thought of that, but ya, you're right. I guess that would also rule out the JW Marriott.
Reggie : Definitely. All the other religions would accuse us of religious bias and intolerance.
Donald: (turning to Isaac) Isaac, what about the Kellogg? Remember that bipartisan banquet we went to there last year?
Isaac: That was a nice place.
Forrest: Bad idea. I personally only eat organic granola from Trader Joes, so I would definitely not attend if it was at the Kellog, nor would most of my organic friends.
Benjamin: (puts his arm on Forrest's shoulder) You really are a fruit loop, Forrest.
Forrest: Very funny coming from a cornflake like you, Ben (laughs hysterically).
Ashley: What about the Ritz Carlton?
Forrest: Well, there again, I don't eat Ritz crackers or any other Ritz products. Nor do most of my organic friends. Come on, we can do better than this.
Matthew: I say we go with the Watergate. Man, the history!
Isaac: I strongly object. I'm a republican senator. I voted for Nixon, and G. Gordon Liddy was a friend of my father's.
Ashley: Oh, give me a break. Liddy was a woman hater and a psycho.
Isaac: I find that very offensive, Ashley.
Ashley: Suck it up, big boy.
Isaac: You are the reason, Ashley, that we need to create legislation that protects the people from hate speech.
Ashley: Listen, Isaac, big shot Senator, Liddy's behavior is publicly documented. Truth is not hate speech.
Benjamin: All right, you two, that's enough. If you can't stop offending each other we're going to dismiss you from the panel. Can you call a truce so we can get on with our business?
Ashley: Fine, but I'm going to seek funds for counseling after Isaac attacked me.
Isaac: You counseling? I'm the one that needs counseling after your hateful words to me.
Benjamin: Last warning, you two.
Reggie: I hope you two will forgive each other.
Ashley: Don't shove your religion down our throats, Reverend. Remember, separation of church and state.
Isaac: Ashley, PC police conference is neither a church nor a state. Besides, you don't have to be religious to find the value and virtue of forgiveness. So Ashley, I forgive you.
Dylan: C'mon. Let's get on with this.
Forrest: Okay. I have an attorney friend who often stays at the Four Season's when he's there for an annual conference.
Dylan: Dude, what about people who live in areas that don't get four seasons?
Ashley: Seriously Dylan? Is that what they teach you in college?
Ben: Okay, this is getting ridiculous. I'm going to make an executive decision here. The Dupont Circle Hotel, on New Hampshire Avenue.
Protests all over the room.
Forrest: Do you have any idea what Dupont puts into their paint? The toxins are terrible for the environment. And New Hampshire might offend other states with the word new in them - New York, New Jersey, New Mexico. They will feel excluded and...
Ben: Oh for crying out loud, Forrest.
Ronald: It would also offend those who use Sherwin Williams and Benjamin Moore brands. Ben, wouldn't it bother you to be in a hotel named after Dupont rather than Benjamin Moore? You are a Benjamin after all.
Angel: What about the St. Regis. Very classy.
Reggie: Uh, no, that would offend non-Catholics. Protestants are very against the worship of saints.
Ben: Okay, okay. That's enough. I say we go with Washington Plaza. Nothing offensive about that. What do you say?
Reggie Faith: No religious bias there.
Matthew: Sounds good to me. We are in Washington, after all, and plaza seems pretty safe.
Ben: Okay. Let's take a vote. All for Washington Plaza say Aye.
Aye's are heard everywhere.
Ben: In keeping with Robert's Rules of order, are there any Nay's?
Deborah: Nay with a capital "N."
Moans and cries of indignation break out.
Deborah: Listen, I voted Nay for a very good reason.
Ashley: Well? We're all waiting, Mizz Diversity.
Deobrah: Well, as an expert in all things diversity, it suddenly occurred to me that while we choose a hotel or convention center that costs lots of money, it will exclude the poor who can't afford it. Environmentalists will be offended by the materials used to build the hotels or conference centers we might choose, which we all know are not eco-friendly. And Washington? People will be coming from all over the country - California, Minnesota, Wyoming, West Virginia. Washington excludes 49 other states.
Isaac: D.C. is not a state stupid.
Deborah: (blushes in humiliation) I beg your pardon? I'm not stupid, I'm just tired and stressed.
Ben: Okay, let's adjourn for lunch and meet back here at 1:00. Then we'll hammer this out.
Kyle: Is that 1:00 pacific, mountain, central, or eastern standard time?
Angel: Are you serious? Where are we McFly?
Deborah: Kyle, has all that hamburger grease clogged your brain?
Kyle: Look who's talking Deborah, Miss D.C. is a state. I'm not stupid. I know we're on eastern standard time. But some of us are from other time zones.
Matthew: Kyle, what's your point?
Kyle: I think it's unfair to exlcude the other time zones.
Ben: Overruled. In fact, I'm overruling all of you. We're going with Washington Plaza. Now, bon appétit everyone. See you at the convention.
Washington Plaza Hotel is PC
The PC Conference begins
CEO Benjamin Bigwig approaches the podium. "Ladies and gentleman, oops I'm sorry, didn't mean to offend anyone. Let me begin again before I get arrested. I will just address you all as people. Is 'people' PC?" Bigwig chuckles nervously, realizing he has a lot to learn at the convention himself.
"Okay then. People, welcome to the 2016 PC Police Conference. We have a great day planned for all of you and it is our hope that we will leave here with a new and better agenda to keep the world in line with political correctness.
"And now, let me introduce to you our keynote speaker, United States PC Chief Officer Emeritus, Franklin Wordsmith. Officer Wordsmith has been a groundbreaker in PC policing tactics and techniques. People, let's give Officer Wordsmith a generous PC police welcome."
Officer Wordsmith, a paunchy man, is donned in a dark blue police uniform with a PC patch on his left sleeve and a silver PC police badge on his chest. His protruding belly bursts over his belt, indicating he is gastrically endowed (that's PC for overweight). He makes his way to the podium with strain, but his pomp is at the ready.
"Thank you for that warm PC police welcome. Uh, Bigwig, I use the more PC term, 'audience'. 'People' might offend those who identify as...well, the skies the limit, right? Just kidding audience, just kidding. We must find a little levity in this offensive world we live in."
The audience laughs and cheers.
"As I was saying, I think we all realize the gravity of the rampant violation of political correctness in this country. We are now at a crossroads, if you will. This nation must either be united in and compliant to political correctness or there will be hell to pay; or purgatory, or soul sleep, whatever you prefer. We must celebrate our uniqueness with tolerance and acceptance to and of all, except to those who do not agree with us!" Wordsmith slams his fist down on the podium for emphasis. "We must stop the tidal wave of personal opinion, criticsim and perspective outside of the acceptable, tolerant PC guiding principles."
The audience comes to it's feet chanting "Pee Cee. Pee Cee. Pee Cee."
"And now, audience, I want to introduce to you the assistant deputy of the Untied States PC Police Organization, Fredrick Buzzword. Deputy Buzzword is here to facilitate the advanced PC 101 workshop. Deputy Buzzword, welcome."
Deputy Buzzword - PC 101
Deputy Buzzword is dressed in civilian garb - a gray business suit with a plain blue tie. He walks to the podium, sets down his notes, clears his throat, and begins to speak with a droning voice.
"I want to thank CEO Bigwig, and Officer Wordsmith for having me today. I am here to present the Advanced PC 101 workshop which will give you the most current, updated PC information. Now, If you have your PC police conference workbook, please turn to page three."
The auditorium is filled the sound of rustling paper.
"I'd like to begin with the definition of PC, or political correctness. You can read along. According to Mirrialm Webster, political correctness is 'agreeing with the idea that people should be careful not to use language or behave in a way that could offend a particular group of people.' A fuller definition is, 'conforming to a belief that language and practices which could offend political sensibilities (as in matters of sex or race) should be eliminated.' Political incorrectness, otherwise known as PIC, is that which does not conform or agree with PC.
"Now, if you'll turn to page four you will see Table 1, a table of terms that typically have negative connotations to general society. The PC Police Organization Committee has added these terms to the PC Police Official Handbook. We don't want to demean or be insensitive to those who possess these characteristics or behavioral issues, so these are the PC changes for 2016".
Table 1 - 2016 PIC/PC update of negative/positive terms
CG or CE
Body Entrepreneur/Sex Care Specialist
BE or SCS
Client of Correctional Justice System
Rustically inclined/person of southern wilderness regions
RC or POSWR
Gender biased with niceness deprived overtones
Merchandise Reassignment Specialist
ACH or VCH
AG or VG or AE or VE
Normal challenged individual
"Let's now go to page five where we see the Table 2, the updated table of PC Job Titles. These job titles have been changed to give more dignity and importance to the people that perform them."
Table 2 - 2016 PC Job title updates
Agricultural Product Manager
Guest Eviction Technician
Car Wash Attendant
Vehicle Appearance Specialist
Gastronomical Hygiene Technician
Vertical Transportation Engineer
Follicle Reassignment Specialist
Wet Leisure Safety Assistant
Moral High Ground Persuasion Specialist
Director of First Impressions
Tree Trimmer for State Capitol Grounds
Legislative Branch Manager
Volunteer Knowledge Conveyor
Restaurant Nourishment Consultant
Guest Services Ambassador
Precipitation Projection Specialist
Interskeletal Imaging Technician
"Please study these terms. On the last page of your handbooks is the date and location of the PC police certification test. Good luck. And now, Officer Wordsmith has a few words to send you off."
The auditorium is filled with applause. Wordsmith steps up to the podium.
"Well, I want to thank you all for your participation today. I know you are all eager to be a PC light in this dark, politically incorrect world of insensitivity, intolerance, and blah, blah, blah. Sorry folks, but my gastrically endowed system is telling me it's time for my evening ingestion session - that's PC for dinner.
"Let me just send you off now with a warning. Do not in any way criticize this convention, the speakers, material, participants, the building, and do not dare use any non-regulation PC language. If you do, you will be apprehended and placed in a PC correctional facility for rehabilitation. 'Correctional,' get it? I know that won't be necessary for most of you, but sometimes the enemy infiltrates despite our best efforts. Thanks for coming. See you next year."
© 2016 Lori Colbo