I bet you're really starting to feel it now. The freedom. The joy that always comes when you know that the semester is finally coming to a close. Fall 2016 might have been one of the longest semesters in history, but we have survived. Now we may rejoice during winter break and pretend that spring semester isn't coming soon. We can finally tell our friends that we aren't actually dead, and we can hang out again. Oh, imagine all the possibilities. But whatever will we do with our precious textbooks? I know I love mine so much, I can't possibly come up with a use worthy of their greatness. My favorite one is the one for statistics, I would really like to stab it 37 times. And don't get me started on Business Law; I'd love to throw that one in the fireplace and watch it burn to a crisp, kind of like the book from the Evil Dead! It was just as evil. Oh, just think of all the fun ways we can use them!
1. Use Them as a Fire Starter
The dry, papery, lifeless pages of your old textbooks make for some of the best burning material out there. Trying to warm your house? Take a few pages of that old Calculus textbook and throw them in the fire, you'll have a big and hot fire going in that fireplace in no time. Want to have a bonfire with your friends? Textbooks make great substitutes for logs! Throw a few of them in there and that'll be the biggest darn bonfire anyone's ever seen. S'mores roasted over burning textbooks are the best, too. Legend has it that the knowledge from the textbook drifts up in the smoke as it's former body turns to ash. Let your s'more bathe in that and you can just feel yourself getting smarter!
2. Use it as Cat Litter
If you're running low on cat litter and don't feel like going to the store to get more, a great thing you can do is shred up some of that useless Biology textbook from last semester. Just mix the shredded bits in with what's left of your litter and boom!, you've just bought yourself some extra time to procrastinate on going to the store. It's super adsorbent and mixing it in with the litter helps make sure that it is odorless too. Plus, there is nothing more satisfying then seeing the thing that once caused you such misery and suffering soaked in cat urine. Just thinking about it brings a warmth to my stomach. Or maybe that's nausea.
3. Make a Pillow With It
This one is perfect for the crafty people. You can either get some fabric from your local hobby store, or you can use fabric from old clothes that aren't worn anymore. Make two large rectangles with your fabric and then place them on top of each other. Sew the edges of the two pieces of fabric together on three of the four sides. Before sewing the fourth edge, take a mix of shredded and crumpled material from your old textbooks and stuff all of it into the pillow. Make sure the pillow is full and plump. This make take a few textbooks. Then sew the final side together and your pillow is complete! You can keep this for yourself as it makes a wonderful pillow for crying into, which you'll definitely need for the inevitable start of the next semester. You can also gift it to a friend for Christmas, so that they may have something to cry into once classes start again. It'll definitely be one of the most expensive gifts they get during the holidays.
Warning: this post is entirely satirical and you (probably) shouldn't do any of these. (Let me know if you try one, though). A practical thing you could do with your old textbooks is resell them on Amazon, eBay, or one of the many book buyback sites. You can also keep them if they contain information pertinent to your chosen career or major and you think you might use it again one day. You could also give it to a younger sibling or a friend that you know will take that class. Speaking of giving away, you could always donate your textbooks so that people who can't afford them can still get an education.
Dom on May 24, 2018:
I burned my textbooks