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3. Flight Announcements
5. Air Traffic Control
7. Aircraft Engineers
1. There are optimists and pessimists in aviation. The optimist invests the aeroplane and the pessimist invents the parachute.
2. Warren and his wife Joy went to the local Air Show every year, and every year Joy would say, "Warren, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."
Warren always replied, "I know Joy, but that helicopter ride is fifty quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid"
One year Warren and Joy went to the Show, and Joy said, "Warren, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance"
To this, Warren replied, "Joy that helicopter is fifty quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid"
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I will take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I will not charge you. But if you say one word, it's fifty quid"
Warren and Joy agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over, and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Warren and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Warren replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Joy fell out, but you know, fifty quid is fifty quid"
3. After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base, in Germany, with my eight siblings and me, all under age 11.
Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, "Ma'am" he said, "Do all these children and this luggage belong to you?"
"Yes, sir," my mother said with a sigh. "They're all mine."
The customs agent began his interrogation "Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband, or illegal drugs in your possession?"
"Sir" she calmly answered, "if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now"
The official allowed us to pass without opening a single suitcase.
4. Two hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly.
“Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board. He had the same plane as yours”
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even with full power, the little plane could not handle the load and went down a few moments after take-off.
Climbing out of the wreckage, Brian asked Tommy, “Any idea where we are?”
“I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year Brian”
5. USAF Manual “It is generally inadvisable to eject over the area you have just bombed”
6. Fighter Training Manual “Airspeed, Altitude, and Brains… Two are always needed to successfully complete a flight”
7. Pre-flight briefing from Canadian Air Force Pilot “If you hear me yell “Eject, Eject, Eject”, the last two will be echoes. If you stop to ask “Why”, you will be talking to yourself”
8. Fighter Training Manual “You know your landing gear is UP and LOCKED when it takes full power to taxi to your parking spot”
9. A young pilot in a Fighter Jet was flying escort for a B-52 Bomber and generally being a nuisance, acting like a big hotshot, flying loops around the lumbering old bomber. The hotshot said over the air, "Anything you can do, I can do better".
The veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this hot-shot". The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level. Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked, "So? What did you do?
“I just shut down two engines, kid" came the sarcastic reply.
10. Aircraft Pilot "Radar, we're a flight of two A10s, currently overhead and, er, we've forgotten our callsign"
Radar Controller: "No problem, we'll allocate temporary ones: adopt callsign Stupid One and Stupid Two"
11. A military pilot requested a priority landing, because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked". Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 bomber that had one engine shut down.
"Ah", the fighter pilot remarked "The dreaded Seven-Engine approach"
3. Flight Announcements
12. In an attempt to keep, the passengers from standing or moving around before taxiing was completed the Flight Attendant of an internal flight said over the PA…
"Ladies and Gentlemen. Our pilots FLY much better than they DRIVE so please remain seated until the captain finishes taxiing and brings the aircraft to a complete stop at the terminal”
13. “As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses”
14. “In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite”
15. On landing, the Stewardess said, “Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have”
16. A Flight Attendant's comment after a less than perfect landing; “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal”
17. "As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position"
18. Overheard on a flight into Regina, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight to control it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Regina. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate”
18. “There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane”
20. From the pilot during his welcome message: “We are pleased to announce that we have some of the best Flight Attendants in the aviation industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!”
21. After a very heavy landing in Halifax, the Flight Attendant announced; “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal”
22. “Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments”
23. On an internal Flight with a very Senior Flight Attendant crew, the pilot said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your Flight Attendants”
24. "Last one off the plane has to clean it"
25. “Welcome aboard Flight 245 to Calgary. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised”
26. Pilot "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern"
27. Death is just nature’s way of telling you to watch your airspeed.
28. One day, the pilot of a single-engine Cherokee was told by the tower to hold short of the runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with… "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like that and I'll have enough parts for another one."
29. Speed is life. Altitude is life insurance.
30. Max Stanley (Test Pilot) “The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world… It can just barely kill you”
31. “Son, you are going to have to make up your mind about growing up and becoming a pilot…. you can’t do both”
32. Explaining the use of the controls to a student "If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller.
Unless you pull the stick too far back, then they get bigger again very quickly"
33. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all, as they should be.
34. Every one knows the definition of a “good landing” is one you can walk away from. However, a “great landing” is one where you can use the airplane again afterwards.
35. It is always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
36. Learn from the mistakes of others. You will not live long enough to make all of them yourself.
37. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
38. Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwind.
39. Stay out of clouds. Reliable sources report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
40. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.
41. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
42. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminium going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
43. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It is the law; and it's not subject to repeal.
44. A pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he is flying, and about flying when he is with a woman.
45. As a pilot only two bad things can happen to you… and eventually one of them will.
One day you will walk out to your aircraft KNOWING that it is your last flight.
One day you will walk out to your aircraft NOT KNOWING that it is your last flight.
46. “The only time you have too much fuel is when you are on fire”
47. Multi Engine Training Manual “When one engine fails on a twin-engine aircraft, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash”
48. Emergency Checklist “Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it”
49. Takeoffs are optional. Landings are mandatory.
5. Air Traffic Control
50. A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
The student replied, "When I was number one for takeoff sir"
51. A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach speed just a little too high. San JoseTower: "Flight 751 heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the lights to return to the airport”
52. Tower "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7"
Eastern 702 "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure ... by the way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway"
Tower "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7; did you copy the report from Eastern?"
Continental 635 "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers"
53. "Flight 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees"
"But Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
54. The controller while working a busy shift told a 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty (do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft).
The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?”
Without hesitating the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!"
55. Cabin Attendant Two-legged mobile device for extracting cash from a captive audience
56. Economy Class Conditions under which transportation of animals would constitute a criminal offence
57. Passenger Cargo that talks or Self-loading freight
58. Airline Club Lounge Paradise like kingdom guarded by dragon-like creatures
59. In-flight Snacks Little treats sealed in a bag that can only be opened by using a chainsaw. When finally open guaranteed to spill everywhere
60. Minimum Connecting Time Time it takes an Olympic Gold Medal sprinter to run between two gates
61. Hotel/Car Rental Shuttle Bus Vehicle subject to paranormal effects. While waiting every one will come by multiple times… except yours
62. On-time Arrival Obscure term… meaning unknown
63. On-time Departure Cabin doors closed 15 minutes before scheduled departure time… Subsequent delays are irrelevant
7. Aircraft Engineers
64. An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess" He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week" The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
Finally, exasperated the frog asked, "What is the matter with you? I've told you that I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, 'Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now… that's cool”
65. Problems reported by Pilots and Solutions noted by Aircraft Engineers in aircraft Technical Logs.
P | Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S | Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P | Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S | Auto land not installed on this aircraft.
P | No 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S | No 2 propeller seepage normal - No 1, No 3, and No 4 propellers lack normal seepage.
P | Something loose in cockpit.
S | Something tightened in cockpit.
P | Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S | Evidence removed.
P | Engine noise at an unbelievable high level.
S | Volume set to more believable level.
P | Dead bugs on windshield.
S | Live bugs on order.
P | Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
S | Cannot reproduce problems on ground.
P | IFF inoperative
S | IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P | Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S | That's what they're there for.
P | Number three engine missing.
S | Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P | Aircraft handles funny.
S | Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P | Target Radar hums.
S | Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words.
66. Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it on the ground, took off her clothing and said, "Take what you want"
The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway"