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25 Things to Do While You Are Pooping

Aimee enjoys writing about Korean beauty experimenting with skincare techniques.

If you’re reading this, you’re probably already sitting on the toilet. Or, you just had your third coffee of the day and want to be prepared for the inevitable. Either way, here are 25 things to do while your pooping.

1. Read This Article

Yep, if you’re on this page then you’re already one step closer to being done pooping.

2. Take a Selfie

It’s hard to make a natural bodily function cute. But if anyone can do it, it’s you! You can either be completely shameless and get that porcelain throne in the photo, or try to angle it just right so that people think you’re in a fancy restaurant or something. Then post that shit on the gram.

3. Work on Your Resume

Get closer to making a major step in your career by updating your resume. Every year or so you should be revising to include your latest accomplishments. If you haven’t made any, changing the font or proofreading for grammar mistakes is fine, too.

4. Text Your Ex

This is never a good idea, but you’ve been looking for an excuse to do so anyway. So here it is.

5. Binge-Watch Something

Depending on what you’re working with, you can be sitting for a very long time. Challenge yourself by seeing how many episodes of a series you can get in. But don’t forget your initial objective. You have a job to do. Sitting on the toilet for too long can be bad for your health.

Try not to get too sucked in, though! Lest you want to get sucked into your toilet.

Try not to get too sucked in, though! Lest you want to get sucked into your toilet.

6. Creep on Social Media

Remember your best friend from middle school? Whatever happened to her? Does she remember you? What’s she up to? Find out! And then never reach out to her.

7. Read the News

Yes, reading the news is super depressing and will make you feel like human garbage, but it’s important to educate yourself in world politics. Don’t just go to one source, either. Be sure to see all sides of a story, and distinguish truth from dramatic over-exaggeration.

8. Tweet About Pooping

Comedy gold floats in your toilet. Share your most private moments with the world, even though nobody told you to.

Who can poop without social media?

Who can poop without social media?

9. Buy a Squatty Potty or Bidet

Having some trouble making your bathroom dreams a reality? A squatty potty is great to give you the leverage you need to get things moving smoothly. Even better, you can invest in a bidet attachment such as this. Wiping and wiping merely causes more irritation in one of your most delicate spots.

10. Research Ways to Alleviate Constipation (or Prevent Diarrhea)

Are you getting enough fiber in your diet? Or maybe too much? A happy bowl movement starts with the proper diet.

11. Book a Vacation

Fantasize about all the different places you could poop. What appeals to you most? Book a couple of tickets and leap out of the bathroom saying “guess what I did!?” your partner will initially look at you with disgust, but then deep loving affection when you tell them about the trip, and not your bathroom habits.

12. Learn About the World's Smallest Cat

Just look at it!

13. Go Down the Wikipedia Rabbit Hole

Do you suddenly have the burning desire to know who Chris Pratt is married to? Start there and click on other random hyperlinks connected to your original search. Who knows where you’ll end up.

14. Freak Yourself Out by Googling Your Very Vague Symptoms

Do you have a headache or some congestion? These may seem like normal, everyday occurrences . . . BUT what if they’re not! Freak yourself out by googling your very vague symptoms and see the 100s of very unlikely causes.

15. Test out Your Bathroom Acoustics

Does the thought of singing in public make you cringe? Well, if your butt is going to be making some music anyway, your voice would probably sound much better in comparison.

16. Think About the Abyss

Our lives are so busy and chaotic these days that we barely have time to think about our impending doom. We are but mere grains of sand on a beach in the abyss of time and space. Although it is scary to think about, it is also very humbling. We all We are all just pooping our way through life,

17. Meditate

The most common meditation position is sitting upright in a chair. Although it has been proven that sitting upright while pooping isn’t the best way to get things moving, maybe we can let it slide for some zen. Simply put your hands on your lap—or wherever is most comfortable—and breathe deeply (but not too deeply, depending on what you’re working on). Meditation isn’t all about clearing the mind. Do not punish yourself for thinking. Instead, acknowledge the thoughts and then let them go. Continue to breathe through the nose, and out through the mouth.

Breathe in through the nose . . . out through the mouth.

Breathe in through the nose . . . out through the mouth.

18. Fold Some Toilet Paper

If you have high standards and like to be extra prepared for the big finish, you can fold your toilet paper into neat little squares or even an origami boat if you’re up for the challenge.

19. Plan Your Next Meal

You’ll be hungry once you’ve made the room. Make a checklist of everything you’ll need to make the meal of your stomach’s desire. Then do it all over again.

20. Tweeze Your Eyebrows

If you have a little mirror handy, why not give your brows a good grooming? You have the time, so really get in there and uproot every last stray hair. Just don’t go overboard. Thick is in these days.

21. Massage Your Thighs

As tested on an episode of Myth Busters, sitting on a toilet for too long can cause some major health problems. (We’re talking hours, don’t worry.) If you’ve been sitting for a while and your legs start to ache, give them a nice rub down. If you have some lotion within hands reach, even better!

22. Massage Your Colon

Did you know that you can massage your colon, too? Usually, it should be done laying down, but sitting on the toilet can work, too. Here’s a great instructional

23. Create a Monthly Spending Budget

Is your bank accounts suffering just as much as your guts? If so, turn that pain into inspiration! Get your shi*t together, in a financial sense.

Get your sh*t together!

Get your sh*t together!

24. Come Up With a Cool Band Name

Sure, maybe you’ve only played the recorder in elementary school, but JUST in case you suddenly make it big, you’ll need to have a cool band name on hand.

25. Clean the Immediate Vicinity

If you have some disinfectant, soap, and a sponge nearby, you can use your reach to make everything in your immediate vicinity sparkling clean. The toilet, counters, floor, anything you can get your hands on. If your bathroom is designed with the toilet being its own oasis, scrub the mildew between the tiles obsessively.

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