With the hottest season of the year quickly approaching, I am here to tell you how to look, feel, and behave, so you can be your absolute hottest this summer. Long gone are the days when the sweltering months of June, July, and August were only about throwing on a bathing suit and heading to the beach while popsicle juice dribbled down your face. No, nowadays, there are precise ways and calculations in which you must dress and act in order to make the most of the dog days. Luckily for you, I researched some of the biggest trends of 2018 and adapted them to how you must live out your summer months. Remember if you are not doing exactly what everyone else is doing, are you really being your best self?
1. Pop Culture Trend of the Summer
What the blogs say it is: Kickass Women
What I say it is: Women kicking ass literally.
Why: Ladies, are you tired of men dominating the news with their never ending stories of committing heinous crimes? Well, this summer we are are taking back headlines by doing what we do best. Wearing heels...and kicking ass - literally. Sure men have long reigned supreme on mass shootings, rapes, and sexual assaults, but if you are feeling a tad bit green from all the attention news stories devote to these lads, I have the solution for you.
Step 1: Adorn your sharpest high heels.
Step 2: Find a douchey bro . (Suggested locations: on a yacht, the Jersey Shore, at a high school game, yelling while he wears his state championship ring even though he graduated 20 years ago, or vaping outside of the club)
Step 3: Kick him in the ass.
Step 4: Run away.
Drive-by ass kickings will leave bros' butts puckering for days as the FBI works day and night investigating the latest trend to sweep the nation while the ladies will be garnering the attention of the masses in which they always have deserved.
2. Color of the Summer
What the blogs say it is: Lavender
What I say it is: Grass stains
Why: While it is true that lavender makeup, hair, and clothes are popping up all over Instagram and the runways, the latest color to hit the markets, according to self-proclaimed fashionista - moi, is grass stains. Although you could go outside and actually play outdoor games like flag football, wiffle ball, and frisbee with the chance of actually procuring real grass stains on your clothes, I know that nobody has any time to take a break from the important things like making sure everyone knows that you are going vegan this summer and debating gun control with your Uncle Larry (you're ten threads deep, and he' switched from all caps to normal typeface, so you're pretty sure you're making headway with him).
Therefore, this summer I am introducing the latest fashion line: White Shirts with Grass Stains. At select stores near you, you can buy this limited product for only $99. These shirts will appear as if you actually have grass stains without your ever having to step foot outside and have the fun that you have desperately been craving. No! These shirts save you precious hours that can be spent Instagramming yourself wearing the tees, thus, creating the allure that you were outside playing. Totally vintage! Some appropriate hashtags to use with your Grass Stain Shirts include but are not limited to the following: #vintage #retro # optoutdoors #summer #getmysweaton #funwithfriends #sun #totallyworthit #inmywhitetee #oops #inmynotsowhitetee
3.Drink of the Summer
What the blogs say it is: Sparkling everything
What I say it is: Sparkling everything with authentic tears
Why: Sure sparkling drinks are cute, classy, and cliche - the three perfect ingredients for Boomerangs, but this wouldn't be 2018 if we didn't take something already good and overdo it. Therefore, to spice up your sparkles add real human tears for that salty flavor and human emotion that you are so desperately craving!
Teens and adults alike are already being diagnosed with depression and anxiety at alarming rates, so why not capitalize off the massive amounts of tears being shed by college grads unable to pay off their loans, high school students who are 99,900 likes shy of their goal of 100,000 likes to get Bella Hadid to take them to prom, and parents whose staged kid videos are not garnering them the respect and viral attention they deserve in order to be on Ellen, which makes them question why they even had a kid in the first place?
Therefore, the trend this summer is to place buckets under you as you bawl your eyes out in order to add these salty diluents to your spritzers for a perfect afternoon pick-me-up because as our tagline goes - There's nothing like drinking your tears alone to remind you that you are no longer crying alone.
For a more ritzy and Instagram-worthy experience, common folk can order the tears of celebs to be shipped to their houses. Perfect for impressing dinner guests at a party. Kardashian tears going for $999.99 if you order today!
4. Travel Destination of the Summer
What the blogs say it is: The Philippines
What I say it is: Philadelphia
Why: While it is true that the Philippines has some pristine beaches and killer dishes, studies have found that despite the negative stereotypes dumped upon Millennials, they still like to keep it real with authentic experiences. And what is more real than owning up to the fact that you have very little money in your bank account, so why not go to a city that keeps it real - real filthy, real crude, and real American. Fresh off a Super Bowl win, Philadelphia should be an oasis all on its own this summer. With any luck, you'll encounter real life Dennises, Dees, Charlies, Macs and Franks and witness grown men purposely vomiting on young girls batteries being pelted at players, and a Native American mascot being beat up and kicked out. After all, nothing is more authentic than a Native American being kicked out of somewhere where he is allowed to be.
Likewise, even though you had to forego the wonderful flavors of Philippine cuisine such as Adobo-a sensational mixture of vinegar, salt, garlic, pepper, soy sauce, and lamb, Philadelphian food will more than make up for that. Melted hot whiz cheese slathered over processed meat while the heat from the concrete bakes your inner thighs into sweaty oblivion - mmm mmm tasty!
So this summer get your tongues ready to lick the Liberty Bell and your feet ready to run up the Rocky Steps with these very unique, authentic experiences because Philadelphia here you come!
5. Beauty Trend of the Summer
What the blogs say it is: Water-Infused Products
What I say it is: Water Infused on your face
Why: Let's be honest. We all know how your night is going to end. You'll have one too many cranberry vodkas and tears will be streaming down your face at the mention of This Is Us because you can "so relate since you have a kid in your class who is black. He isn’t adopted, but it must be so hard for him being in a mostly white class, so you bring up the fact that you have seen This Is Us constantly in order to connect with him." Everyone will console you, and hot Matt from yoga will swoop in to care for you in your time of distress. Bingo.
But conjuring up those fake tears at the precise time can be so stressful. Thankfully, this summer the latest trend is the new make-up product: Bottle de la Spray. No longer do you have to worry about your tear ducts being up to par. Simply stow the water-infused spray in your purse, slip away to the bathroom, and douse your face in the solution. Your make-up will instantly smear and run all over, creating the perfect combination of I am so beautiful, but I also have real, deep emotions.
This new product is perfect for Snapchatting the funeral of someone you were "so close with" and for getting out of that test you didn't study for because "it's like the worst week ever, and you're on your period." Ruining your make-up has never been so easy when this new make-up!
6. Look of the Summer
What the blogs say it is: The '80s, modernized
What I say it is: The (18)'80s, modernized
Why: The 1980s are not the only '80s decade that deserves all of the attention. A century before, the second Industrial Revolution was in full swing, Lady Liberty was being erected in the harbor of New York City, and railroads were changing the way people travelled. Along with all of those changes, there is much to note about the fashion as well, and that is why it is making a comeback this summer.
To protect women from dangerous UV rays and lustful men, ladies will saddle into their riding habits, a tailored jacket with a petticoat to match, and top it off with a high-necked chemisette, a top hat and veil. This style will ensure that not an inch of skin is showing, and women will remain unseen as, let's face it, they should be.
But this is 2018, so the style of the 1880s needs to be modernize just a bit. To protect women from overheating, as a result, tiny electric fans will be strategically placed inside the riding habits and chemisette to give women the cooling off they need from the heat of the sun and, not to mention, the heat radiating off the herd of attractive former frat boys all wearing Patagonia fleece pullover, Vineyard Vines multicolor short shorts, and Sperry's topsiders. The only downside to this modern touch is that the gals will need to find an outlet to plug themselves into every 5-6 hours.
In addition, women will have the opportunity to buy bustles from the past in all different shapes and sizes to give them the big booty appearance without ever having surgery! Eighteen- eighty, more like eighteen GREATy, ammiright??
7. Fitness Focus of the Summer
What the blogs say it is: Soul-care
What I say it is: Sole-care
Why: Your thumbs, butt, and eyes have been overworked these last few years, and, frankly, they just need a break from all the hard work they have been doing like using those two opposable bad boys to type out a three-paragraph Facebook rant summarizing the United States Flag Code and using it to support whatever side you agree with while your tooshie sits there for hours because you can't decide what meme drives your point home more - the one heroically captioned "I stand for the flag. And kneel for the cross" or the one poignantly pointing out that the same people who complained when Tebow kneeled applauded when Kaepernick kneeled.
Therefore, it's time to give those body parts a rest and treat yo'self to some sole care! Those two things at the bottom of your body are called your feet and they have soles at the bottom. The trend this summer is to....use them!! My novel idea will get people young and old alike to stand up and run, walk, jump, hop, or skip with them. Parents will no longer spend hours searching Pinterest on how to make sure their child isn't bored for a second. All they have to do is invest in some sole-care. In just three easy steps, your lower extremities will be crying out in delight.
Step 1: Put on shoes. Or don't. Your choice.
Step 2: Put one foot in front of the other.
Step 3: Repeat Step 2 until you are thoroughly satisfied.
Once again, you're welcome!
8. Antianxiety Product of the Summer
What the blogs say it is: CBD
What I say it is: NBD
Why: NBD = no big deal. This fun little acronym will leave you anxiety free in no time. All you have to do is say it out loud when something anxiety-producing happens and then watch as your worries fade away. For example, Oh no! There are no avocados left at the grocery store, so I can't make my homemade guac for Jill's girl's night bash. Instead of succumbing to crippling anxiety over the thought of the judging eyes you would be sure to receive as you bring store bought dip yet again, here would be the perfect time to insert the phrase NBD, so your anguish over the absence of a ripe green fruit would disappear into the abyss, and you would no longer lament your inability to live up to modern day standards.
Other times this phrase works wonders: Oh my gosh! I only have enough money to spend ten days in Greece with the girls instead of the two weeks they are staying there. Life is so unfair. NBD. I am sure that I can stretch my money a little bit more and forego saving for my child's college education for at least one year. Bingo. Anxiety solved.
My children hate me due to the lack of time I spend engaged in their lives. NBD. Plenty of children have defeated the odds over parent absences and become successful citizens. One more drink out at the bar won't hurt. Stress deflated. Thank you very much.
My daughter is working her way through community college as a stripper, and my son is addicted to heroin and pain medicine. I worry every night that they will end up stabbed somewhere. NBD. I will give them enormous amounts of money and continue buying them new cars even after they wreck them. I am positive that they will see that my buying them nice things will make up for the fact that I am hardly ever present in their lives. Worry? What's worry?
NBD-works every time!
9. Accessory of the Summer
What the blogs say it is: Oversize Earrings
What I say it is: Oversize bedazzled love handles
Why: Are you tired of your ear lobes and your nose getting all the attention? Well, with roughly 33% of Americans classified as obese, we might as well use it if we aren't going to lose it. And by it I mean those love handles. A study has found that women prefer men with some flab around the waist and stomach. So men (and women) let those love handles hang out this summer! But don't be drab and boring and simply let your fat flop around. Instead decorate your love handles with rhinestones, gems, jewels, and piercings for the look you have always wanted. Flaunt off your flub in cool patterns and shiny stones. After this new style makes headway, your love handles will be having the fun your other extra skin has been enjoying for decades!
10. Mythical Motif of the Summer
What the blogs say it is: Mermaids
What I say it is: Paying off your debt
Why: Who knew mythical motifs were even trends? But luckily for you, I did extensive research and found out this important tidbit. Phew! Can you only imagine if you were not up on the latest motif this summer? How would you even live?
Anyway, mermaids are pretty mythical and lovely on their own, but what's more unreal than actually paying off your debt because you enjoy your high end lifestyle and lack any real motivation besides binge-watching Netflix and tweeting about the time you went to Italy? Therefore, this summer own up to the fact that you are never going to pay off that piling stack of money you owe to the government and your bank and instead embrace the motif! Withdraw hoards of straight cash, homie, and do whatever you want with it. Throw it in the air! Buy everything from Chip and Joanna's Magnolia line! Buy a bigger and better car! Buy a bigger and better house! Carry designer purses! Remember this money is only mythical. Have fun! You deserve it, kid ;-)
That wraps it up for now! I hope with these trends you can earn the likes and retweets you have always dreamed about as well as finally find the self-esteem you have been missing for a while. No need to thank me. You're a superstar!