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Over 100 Funny Clean Jokes

Veggies tell a clean joke.

Veggies tell a clean joke.

Introduction: Clean Jokes for All Audiences

Looking for a good icebreaker for your church fundraising potluck? Does your son need to bring a funny joke to his next scout meeting? Tired of hearing the same old boring tales that aren't really funny? Or, getting embarrassed by humor that is better shared on the golf course, or at a bar (i.e. not among mixed company)?

What you need is a one-stop "shopping list," so to speak, of funny, clean jokes -- hilarious tales that are suitable to tell around the children, but that will actually make you (and other adults) laugh, as well.

I've grouped some classics (and new funnies) in familiar categories for easy selection, and put together a large group of 100 side-splitting funny clean jokes. In this Hub, you can look forward to having access to:

  • "Chicken crossing the road" jokes
  • Animal jokes
  • PG-rated religion jokes
  • Knock knock jokes
  • Computer jokes
  • Husband and wife jokes
  • Blonde jokes
  • Ponderings
  • Riddles
  • Funny puns and one-liners
  • Doctor jokes
  • Lawyer jokes
  • Miscellaneous jokes

Make sure you bookmark this page so you've got a good diversion during the day. Try telling a few of them out loud to your eight-year-old. When you overhear him relating one of these to his own friends, I guarantee you'll be laughing even harder.

Enjoy!

100-funniest-clean-jokes

"Chicken Crossing the Road" Jokes

Why did the chicken cross the road halfway?
She wanted to lay it on the line

* * *

Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
He heard the referee calling fowls

* * *

Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide

* * *

Why did the chicken scientist cross the road?
To invent the other side

* * *

What do you get when you cross a chicken and a pit bull?
Just the pit bull

Animal Jokes

How does a farmer count a herd of cows?
With a cow-culator

* * *

What's a cow's favorite moo-sical note?
Beef-flat

* * *

Why don't cats play poker in the jungle?
Too many cheetahs

* * *

What do cats like to eat for breakfast?
Mice Krispies

* * *

Three birders walk into a bar. The fourth one ducks. (Ha!)

  • Birder 1: What kind of bird is that?
  • Birder 2: A gulp.
  • Birder 1: A gulp? Never heard of it.
  • Birder 2: It's like a swallow, only it's bigger

* * *

What do you get when you cross a dog with a telephone?
A Golden Receiver!

* * *

What did the dog say when he sat on the sandpaper?
Rough! Rough!

* * *

MERGER ANNOUNCEMENT: Polygram Records, Warner Brothers and Keebler: New company will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker.

* * *

The Duck and the Bartender:
A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender says, "No, I am sorry, we have cherries and olives but no grapes." "Oh," says the duck and leaves.

Ten minutes later the duck returns and asks the same bartender, "Do you have any grapes?" "Like I said before, we have cherries and olives, but we don't have grapes!" says the bartender. "Oh," says the duck and leaves.

Ten minutes later the duck returns and again, asks, "Do you have any grapes?" "Look, beak lips," screams the bartender. "We have no grapes! We will never have grapes! And if you ask me again, I am going to nail your web-by little feet to the floor!" "Oh," says the duck and leaves.

Ten minutes later, the door swings open and the duck returns. The bartender is furious. He slams a bottle of beer down on the bar, stares menacingly at the duck and screams, "What?" "Uh . . . uh . . . do you have any . . . nails?" the duck asks. "Nails? Nails? No, we don't have nails," answers the bartender. "Mmmm," says the duck. "So, do you have any grapes?"

* * *

A Man and His Penguins:
A man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat. The police stop him and say that he can't drive around with the penguins in the car and that he should take them to the zoo. The man agrees and drives off.

The next day, the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back again. He is stopped by the same police officer who says, "Hey! I thought I told you to take those to the zoo."

The man replies, "I did. Today, I'm taking them to the movies."

Even religious organizations use clean jokes.

Even religious organizations use clean jokes.

PG-Rated Religion Jokes

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards

  • Clerk: What denomination?
  • Woman: Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this? Well, give me 50 Catholic and 50 Baptist ones.

* * *

Good King Wenceslas went out to the pizza parlour and ordered a pizza. The assistant asked, "Do you want your usual? Deep, pan, crisp, and even?"

* * *

They have Dial-a-Prayer for Atheists now . . .
You can call, and it rings and rings but nobody answers.

* * *

Rumor has it, Billy Graham Ministries is starting up an Emotional Support Group for middle-aged men experiencing hair loss. Apparently, they close every meeting with the benediction: "Go, and thin no more!"

* * *

How many Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb?
10. One to actually change the bulb, and nine to say how much they like the old one

A vicar was talking to one of his parishioners.

  • Vicar: When you get to my age, you'll spend a lot more time thinking about the hereafter.
  • Parishioner: Why do you say that?
  • Vicar: Well, I often find myself going into a room and thinking, what did I come in here after?

* * *

How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to do it, and a priest to hear him confess and to give the old bulb last rites

* * *

How many Presbyterians does it take to change a light bulb?
Well, it should require about five committees to review the idea first. If each is staffed with half a dozen members, that's what . . . 30?

* * *

Once, there was a guy named Joe. One day, he died and found himself standing in front of the pearly gates . . .

  • St. Peter: Joe, if you can answer one question, I'll let you into heaven.
  • Joe: Sounds easy enough.
  • St. Peter: Who is with you always?
  • Joe: Oh, that's easy, Andy!
  • St. Peter: Andy?
  • Joe: Yeah, haven't you heard that hymn, "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me?"

* * *

The Top 10 Things People Think About While Singing a Hymn:

  1. The pot roast.
  2. What does the pastor wear under his robes?
  3. Will the person behind me ever hit the right note?
  4. Ninety minutes till kickoff.
  5. Did I turn off the curling iron?
  6. The likelihood of the ceiling fan falling and hitting me on the head.
  7. How many people have lost more hair than I have?
  8. How would the hymn sound if Metallica played it?
  9. Are there doughnuts at fellowship?
  10. How many more verses?

Knock Knock Jokes

Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the bathtub, I'm dwowning!

* * *

Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Max.
Max who?
Max no difference to you, just let me in!

* * *

Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Yachts
Yachts who?
Yachts up, doc?

* * *

Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Ya
Ya who?
What are you getting so excited about?

* * *

Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Vera
Vera who?
Vera few people think these jokes are funny!

Knock Knock (Practical Joke)

Computer Jokes

Why was the computer so tired when it got home?
Because it had a hard drive!

* * *

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now writes error messages for Microsoft Corporation.

* * *

Signs that you need to get away from the computer

  • You try to enter your password on the microwave.
  • You email your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back, "What's for dinner, Dad?"
  • Your daughter sets up a website to sell Girl Scout Cookies.
  • You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.

Husband and Wife Jokes

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.

* * *

The Smelly Couple:
Jimmy and Kathy are newlyweds in the honeymoon suite on their wedding night, and Kathy's in the bathroom. As Jimmy's getting undressed he says to himself, "How am I going to tell her? How am I going to tell my new wife that I have the world's smelliest feet?" Then, he throws his socks under the bed.

Kathy walks out of the bathroom, and, too chicken to face her, Jimmy runs past her and he goes into the bathroom. Kathy sits on the edge of the bed and says to herself, "How am I going to tell him? How am I going to tell my new husband that I have the world's worst breath? I've got to tell him."

Just then, Jimmy walks out of the bathroom. Kathy runs up to him, gives him a huge wet kiss, pulls back and says, "Honey, I've got to tell you something." Jimmy says, "Yeah, I know. You just ate my socks."

* * *

A guy calls the hospital. He says, "You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!" The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?" He says, "No! This is her husband!"

* * *

Married men should forget their mistakes. There is no need for two people to remember the same thing.

* * *

A couple walking in the park noticed a young man and woman sitting on a bench, passionately kissing. "Why don't you do that?" said the wife. "Honey," replied her husband, "I don't even know that woman!

* * *

A wife complains, "A wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch." Her husband mumbled, "Clock always was slow."

Answer on a Blonde's Geometry Test:

100-funniest-clean-jokes

Blonde Jokes

A blonde went to a flight school, insisting she wanted to learn to fly. All the planes were currently in use, so the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter.

He took her out, showed her how to start it, gave her the basics, and then sent her on her way. After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away.

He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"

* * *

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.

"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK, ma'am?"

"Yes, officer, I'm just fine," the blonde chirped.

"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

"Officer, it was the strangest thing," the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere, a tree pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was yet another tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was . . . "

"Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off, "there isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

* * *

Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall?
To see what was on the other side.

* * *

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde, wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she would owe him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. Then, the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes back down the hill with four legs?"

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00.

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

* * *

Two blondes lock their keys in the car. One of the blondes tries to break into the car while the the other one watches.

Finally the first blonde says, "Darn, I can't get in the car!" The other blond replies, "Keep trying, it looks like it is going to rain and the top is down."

* * *

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds," he instructed.

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.

"No, from skipping," replied the blonde.

Ponderisms

  • What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
  • Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
  • If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
  • When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
  • If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
  • Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
  • If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
  • What's another word for synonym?
  • If the cop arrests a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
  • How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

Riddles

What two things can you never eat for breakfast?
Lunch and dinner.

* * *

If you have it, you want to share it. If you share it, you don't have it. What is it?
A secret.

* * *

What stays in bed most of the day and sometimes go to the bank?
A stream.

* * *

Imagine you are in a sinking rowboat surrounded by sharks. How would you survive?
Quit imagining!

* * *

What has to be broken before it can be used?
An egg.

Funny Puns and One-Liners

  • Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
  • Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
  • Dijon vu -- the same mustard as before.
  • When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
  • What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)
  • A backwards poet writes inverse.
  • He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
  • If a clock is hungry does it go back four seconds?
  • The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
  • Acupuncture is a jab well done.
  • Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
  • Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
  • A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
  • If you don't pay your exorcist, will you get repossessed?
  • Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
  • Without geometry, life is pointless.

Doctor Jokes

"Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade."

"Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you done anything yet?"

"Yeah, I shaved with the electric razor."

* * *

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.

Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.

Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.

Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?

Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

* * *

Doctor: I've got very bad news -- you've got cancer and Alzheimer's.

Patient: Well, at least I don't have cancer.

* * *

A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: "Doctor, I have an earache."

  • 2000 B.C. -- "Here, eat this root."
  • 1000 B.C. -- "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
  • 1850 A.D. -- "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
  • 1940 A.D. -- "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
  • 1985 A.D. -- "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
  • 2000 A.D. -- "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"

Lawyer Jokes

A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer.

"Can you tell me how much you charge?" asked the client.

"Of course," the lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to answer three questions!"

"Well, that's a bit steep, isn't it?"

"Yes it is," said the lawyer. "And, what's your third question?"

* * *

What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.

* * *

What's wrong with lawyer jokes?
Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes

* * *

You Might Be a Lawyer if . . .

  • You are charging someone for reading these jokes.
  • You believe that a forty-word sentence is a short one.
  • You have a daughter named Sue and a son named Bill.
  • You can look at a contract and instantly tell whether it's verbal or written.
  • Your other car is a BMW.
  • When you look in a mirror, you see a lawyer.
  • When your wife says "I love you," you cross-examine her.
Go ahead and laugh at these funny, clean jokes!

Go ahead and laugh at these funny, clean jokes!

Miscellaneous Jokes

An engineering student is walking along when a fellow student arrives on a new bicycle. Impressed, he asks, "Where did you get this beautiful bicycle?"

"Well," the second engineering student starts. "A couple of days ago I was just walking along when this gorgeous blonde pulls up, hops off the bike, rips off all her clothes, and says 'take what you want'."

The other engineering student nods and says, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

* * *

"Dad, can you write in the dark?"

"I think so. What is it you want me to write?"

"Your name on this report card."

* * *

Teacher: Sam, what is the outside of a tree called?
Sam: I don't know.
Teacher: Bark, Sam, bark.
Sam: Bow, wow, wow!

* * *

One day, the zookeeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books -- the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species. In surprise, he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books?"

"Well," said the orangutan, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."

* * *

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a panda! Look it up!"

The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

* * *

A software manager, a hardware manager, and a marketing manager are driving to a meeting when a tire blows. They get out of the car and look at the problem.

The software manager says, "I can't do anything about this -- it's a hardware problem."

The hardware manager says, "Maybe if we turned the car off and on again, it would fix itself."

The marketing manager says, "Hey, 75% of it is working -- let's ship it!"

* * *

What's the difference between a musician and a savings bond?
One of them eventually matures and earns money.

* * *

Musician: Did you hear my last recital?
Friend: I hope so.

* * *

Those three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about how great their fathers are.

The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow."

The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet."

The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45!"

* * *

Heaven and Hell

In Heaven:

  • The cooks are French,
  • The policemen are English,
  • The mechanics are German,
  • The lovers are Italian,
  • The bankers are Swiss.

In Hell:

  • The cooks are English,
  • The policemen are German,
  • The mechanics are French,
  • The lovers are Swiss,
  • The bankers are Italian.

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© 2008 Stephanie Marshall