10 Tips That Say Farewell to Your Rat Problems
This, much to my amazement and chagrin, might be seen as a step backward to those early days when every hub was based on lists—the “Do’s” and “Dont’s” thinking that almost have me convinced that I could never publish a truly-well-read hub. And I am not too big to admit my failings.
Bigger and Better Things
are here, friends. Things more interesting and ground-breaking than any good time and good food to be enjoyed by any Fourth of July picnic held in Ft. Wayne, Indiana. This hub, I tell you, is, and I have to be humble here, a work of art. This hub is far higher than my imagination can contain. And this hub, even if it could be encrypted, would stump the C.I.A. and probably put them out of business.
Rats! Rats, rodents, those four-legged vermin-carrying, disease-laden critters that can torment our lives by invading our homes and just by barging right in at any time they want without asking anyone’s permission. Shame on you, rats!
Did you know that billions of bucks are paid out each year by those companies who claim that they can eradicate any and all rats and the problems that accompany them. I repeat, BILLIONS! A shade more than the Federal Government’s Annual Budget—that equals a lot of bucks and rats on the loose right here in front of our noses.
Would you like to wake up in the morning and be able to say that you and your family are rat free? Sure, you would. What sane person would think otherwise? Well, rather than fork-out more of your hard-earned money to hire some pest control company to get rid of your rat problems . . .just read the following information which I lovingly tag: 10 Tips That Say Farewell to Your Rat Problems.
10.) Negotiating Wins Everytime – just look at our business world today. Without clever negotiating by even more clever companies, the world’s economy would fold. So take out a hefty loan of say, $1,000.00 and have a meeting with your most-aggravating rat. Sit down with them, lay-out the plans of how much you will give them to NOT eat through your clothing (that you paid through the nose) and ruin all of your grocery staples. Rats may be annoying, but they aren’t stupid. And they can be had for a price.
9.) Gluttony Can Rid Your Home – of all of your rat problems. But you have to take your time and inspect each inch of your home or apartment. You can find out how they have had a “field’s day” by gorging themselves on your food—your favorite cheese, cereal, bread and dried fruit. Just get them to go to lunch (so to speak) with you by having a small dining table with a few little chairs and give them the food they love and the more they eat, the less that they will want to stay at your home and eat. So by allowing them to be gluttons, the rats will “eat them out of your home.”
8.) No Dieting For These Rats – this advice coincides with the above tip. When you notice that the rats you are feeding start gaining weight, keep feeding them until they can barely walk. Bingo! In a more-than-a-humane way, you can take your time and pick them up and place them into little packages and sell them to major laboratories at the nation’s universities. The rats are gone and you make money. Who could ask for anything more?
7.) A Paradise For Rats – is what this tip can be for you when you talk your rats into going on a two-week vacation, all expenses paid and all you have to do is get a nice, clean box and fill it with the rats’ favorite snacks and then allow the rats to get into the box and drive them miles into the countryside and tell them that you are going to make a Rest Stop and let them stretch their legs and go to the bathroom. As soon as they walk into the woods, you drive like mad and leave the rats behind. And since the rats have a terrible sense of direction, you can go home and not worry about rats anymore.
6.) Be a Pimp Daddy Rat – to give your problem rats what they deserve. You wrangle all of the female rats and train them to flirt, wear fancy clothing and this way your rat problem will be over when the male rats start chasing these female rats on away from your home. Of course you slip the female rats about $50 a week for about a month and you will not be bothered with rats because the male rats will marry the female rats and when the new is worn off, the rat couples will fight and run the male rats away just like you planned.
5.) Talking Beats Violence – any day. Just look at any rat. Aren’t they cuddly, sweet, and oh so nice? Sure they are. Just make friends with them and soon, you will be just like Bruce Davidson, the young man who trained a houseful of rats who respected him and did his bidding. Now look at all of the household chores your rat friends will do for you and be glad to do it. Aren’t you glad that you read this hub?
4.) The Rat Strike – may be a bit harsh, but depending on the psychological make-up of your particular rats, all you have to do is hire them to work for you. That’s it. Have them a rigid schedule for them to come to work each day inside your home and stand over them like the boss of a big factory. And when pay day comes around, give them the least pay possible and when the rats’ temper gets the best of them, they go on strike and you know that when this happens, no other rat or rodent can cross their picket line, so the rats are out of your home for good.
3.) Your Do-it-Yourself Pet Store – can be possible, but you need to find every single rat that you see and groom them, send them to the best schools and then you can advertise them for sale to kids in your neighborhood. The end result: Money for you and the rats have a nice home with happy kids.
2.) Play Human Horror Show – with your rats. Wear scary make-up and when you walk, step heavily on your floor and you will scare the wits out of the rats who have been eating their fill of your eats and it was your hard-earned money that bought the food for you to enjoy. But this way, scaring the rats is humane and no lawsuits can touch you.
1.) It’s Broadway Rat Musical Time – and you will love this tip. Take some time to get the trouble-making rats you have at your home and with the help of some music instructors as well as dance teachers, you can have your rats doing “Oklahoma,” “Guys and Dolls,” and “Annie Get Your Gun,” and more musicals and people will adore those cute little rats as they sing and dance with their various costumes. Why haven’t you thought of this before?
The only thing that you will have to bother you now is when you have no rats to aggravate you, you might be very lonely for a few weeks, but compared to giving money on pest control companies and traps, a wise man (like you) should take being lonely every time.
August 30, 2018______________________________________________
© 2018 Kenneth Avery