1. Your cat is plotting to kill you
I’m not kidding – this is absolutely true. If you don’t believe me, take a look at some research which shows that cats and neurotic; not cute and fluffy but actually tiny little lions who want to kill and eat you.
Studies by the University of Edinburgh and Bronx Zoo found that the Domestic Cats exerted behaviour including "...Dominance, Impulsiveness, and Neuroticism...". For those of you who don't already know, Neuroticism is a fundamental personality trait in the study of psychology characterised by anxiety, fear, moodiness, worry, envy, frustration, jealousy, and loneliness. Basically the sort of traits which turn people into serial killers.
So the next time your cat is staring at you consider this: it might just be plotting to eat your liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti...
2. Cats crap in any other garden than their own
Any keen gardener has experienced going outside to find a cat turd floating around their asparagus. It's almost as if owners instruct cats to take a dump in any garden other than their own.
And no one likes their veg with a hint of turd...
3. They sound like babies being murdered when they fight
Most people have experienced this at least once in their life, and if you live in a built up area you probably hear in every night.
Cats are, by nature, very territorial. They are solitary animals which normally come together only during the mating season but otherwise need their space. God forbid any other cat which might want to invade that space. Queue the screaming!
Ugh. I hate it. That whining, screeching noise. As if they are being murdered. Only watch the video above if you think cats are cute; otherwise expect have an uncontrollable feeling to throw your computer out of the window...
4. They make useless pets
I mean what exactly do cats actually do other than eat, poop and sleep? You'd get more fun from a 2 day old baby; and the baby is unlikely to be plotting to kill you...
5. They ruin your carpets and furniture
If you want carpet and furniture that looks like it's been in a fight with a swordsman, get a cat!
Within a week you home will resemble a horror movie and you'll feel great about that decision to get a cat...
6. Cats kill birds
Cats kill birds for no reason. They don't eat them. They just kill them and bring them home for their owner as an (unwanted) present.
But why do they do this? The answer is simple. By bringing you home a present they are lulling you into a false sense of security. They're trying to make you think that they like you.
This all helps them work toward their ultimate goal which is to kill you...
7. They carry (and spread) fleas
Everyone likes the itching feeling on flea bites, right? I personally like the red blotches that flea bites provide; especially when they bite your face.
Want to resemble a 15 year old with bad acne? Get a cat...
8. They wake you up at an ungodly hour
Whether it's scratching at the door or tapping it with a paw, if you're in your bedroom asleep your cat wants to be their too. They've slept all day but now it's 11pm they want to P.A.R.T.Y; but there's a sly reason for this. See point 9 below.
9. They try to murder you and make it look like and 'accident'
Remember: your cat wants to kill you. By using this sly method, they'll make it look like an accident.
There you are, fast asleep, when you are suddenly bought out from your slumber with that feeling of being choked. Yep - your cat is lying on your face trying to suffocate you.
Yet more evidence that a cat will try and kill you at any opportunity they get...
10. They jump out on you when you least expect it
Picture the scene - you've just got out of the shower. It's a cold, dark morning and you're trying to quietly get dressed without waking anyone up. You open your knicker draw and BANG! Your cat jumps out at your and scares you half to death. If you don't have a heart attack and die on the spot you jump, stand on an up-turned plug and spend the rest of the morning crying in the corner...while the cat stares at you deciding how it's going to kill you...
Of course, I don't really hate cats. This was all for a bit of fun. But if you really hate cats, there are some ways you can fight back:
- Fed up of cats walking over your car and leaving footprints? Sell it and by a bicycle. Cats hate bicycles
- Annoyed with the local cat crapping in your garden? Get a life and take up a decent hobby such as skydiving or rally driving
- Fed up of listening to cats fighting outside? Close the windows and make a baby - in 9 months you'll have something of your own to cover up that horrible sound with it's own interstellar level of crying
- Try a cat repellent such a 'Get off my Lawn' which you can buy here
Sash on February 25, 2016:
Wtf cats are amazing
peachy from Home Sweet Home on December 29, 2015:
lol! cats are unpredictable sometimes
Michaela from USA on December 03, 2015:
This was great, I love satire about cats!