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Baby Girl

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So much pain everywhere. The morphine isn’t doing anything again

Dear Baby Girl,

The doctors say I’ve only got few months to live. So much pain everywhere. The morphine isn’t doing anything again. All those cigarettes you told me about. But damn, I enjoyed them all. I swear, they might have eaten my cells, you know the ones in my head. Where was I? Yes…

You once asked me why your father never wanted you. It wasn’t you he rejected but my daughter. The poor girl – may her soul rest in peace – thought it was the end of the world. She never understood that happy endings could happen to the unfortunate eventually. It’s his loss because everytime I gaze upon your face, my heart gallops. The love I have for you is like a river that can never stop flowing. I can’t comprehend how someone could ever reject the wonder that you are.

Now you are older and it seems like I want to coddle you but that’s not the case. I want to stop you from making the same mistakes I made. I understand. Some things must happen before one can make certain decisions but I don’t want you to ever be in my shoes. Don’t get me wrong Baby Girl; you have never been a mistake. If I had to go through what I did to have a child like you, I’ll still do it no matter what. It’s not that you’re not strong enough for it either but you must realise that this is first, a man’s world and to survive, you must think like a man. Funny right, you thought I didn’t watch all those movies of yours? What do you think my bridge sessions are for? Hehehe.

It’s not that you’re not strong enough for it either but you must realise that this is first, a man’s world

The truth is this: you can only trust yourself. Not me, not any other person. Just YOU! Sad isn’t it? Even sadder is the fact that sometimes you may fail yourself but it’s better than trusting anyone and sometimes you might have to rely on your knowledge however limited it might seem.

He will come in the night like a thief. He will say he wants to be friends, even make it seem you’re anti-social or rude or like you’re playing hard to get. He won’t seem to understand your ‘no’ is NO. You should know wolves cannot live among sheep, the sheep will eventually be devoured. So when you rely on your instincts and they tell you to run, please do. He’ll tell you he loves you whereas he only wants the physical. You must always remember that you’re more than the physical. He’ll say he wants to put a ring on your finger and make you the mother of his kids. That’s utter bull shit. He wants to get laid. Now I’m not saying you should keep your virginity. If you want to get laid too, that’s okay I guess. Definitely not judging. I can’t tell you the way to live your life, just make sure you don’t have regrets at all. Life’s too short for that shit. Pardon my language, hahahaha. What I’m trying to say is it must be mutual and he must realise that sex no matter the hogwash they say is a spiritual exercise for you, a bonding of souls. A covenant. And both of you must realise that there are consequences for your actions. Are you ready to be responsible? Ask yourself that every and each time you want to make a decision. Can you face the consequences?

It might seem I’m preaching as usual. I can imagine your face now, all expressionless thinking I don’t know what’s going through your mind. But I do. We humans always forget that we were once like each other in every stage of life and very easily we don’t remember how the shoe pinched us when we wore it. I know. I saw it all and I want you to know that you can conquer it all. Apply a woman’s intuition with the practicality of a man.

Apply a woman’s intuition with the practicality of a man.

And before you start thinking all those feminism stuff, stop there. Don’t get me wrong Baby Girl, be a feminist, a real one. One who believes in the equality of both sexes. Be a talker AND a doer. If you claim to be passionate about something, then let the world see you are passionate about it. Be diplomatic. Remember she stoops to conquer! It’s easier to say you want equality but yet you want him to pay for your sanitary napkin. Even when you know you can afford to buy the house you pay rent in, give him the money. It may seem stupid. Your friends will claim you are not a modern woman. Are they living in the home with you? Won’t they be the ones who say you couldn’t keep a man? Make him feel like a god, but he must also know it’s a privilege to have a woman like you, Baby Girl.

I unfortunately cannot give you a guideline on choosing a husband. Hmmph! Never really understood it. Even though I seem to have advice in everything, I don’t any lessons to give you in this area. Maybe it’s because of my failure in that aspect of life. One thing is imperative: follow your heart, use your head!

Nobody can say this journey will be easy or there’s a blueprint for this life. Be yourself in all that you do, be the very best. Don’t change for someone, change because you feel you’ll be a better person to yourself and the society at large. Embrace all that life has to offer you. Take charge! Find a man who loves you wholeheartedly and build a family with him. Trust your judgement even when the world doubts it. And above all, live life with no regrets unlike your your mother and I did.

Carpe Diem.

Your senile mother.

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