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Where Have You Been?

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Where were you

Where were you

Where were you when your husbands mother told me that I needed to lose weight, that I was so young and wasting my life away at the age of 10. That night, my grandmother tried to help me undress for a bath. I was hesitant and told her that I was fat, that she had called me fat and now at the mere age of 10 I was ashamed of myself, my body. I cried in her arms and felt like I didn't fit in with everyone else. My grandmother had told you, you did nothing. Said, nothing.

Where were you when I was struggling in middle school, drinking & smoking day by day. Trying in every way possible to numb my insecurities and make friends, with the wrong crowd of course. When I had thought the only way people would like me if I was black out drunk, making an utter fool of myself.

Where were you when I had my first thought of slitting my own wrists and letting myself bleed out on my bedroom floor. The panic attack that felt like it had lasted centuries, the undying pain flowing out of my soul as I pressed my back against the wall and let the hot salty tears stream down my beet red face.

Where were you when I was so clearly in desperate need of someone to tell me that I was loveable, that I mattered too. Instead I looked in the worst of places and had my heart broken, over and over again by people who only wanted to take from me and not give.

Where were you when I was in the hospital after I had just attempted to take my own life in my highschool bathroom. You showed up, but you weren't really there, were you? I still remember your voice, "Why would you do that to me? You have no reason to act like this, you have no reason to be sad." as though my pain had no validation, as though the hurt I felt was nothing, as though I was doing this to you out of spite.

Where were you when I told you that something about me was different, that I needed you to accept me and tell me that what I was feeling wasn't wrong? That being different is wonderful and glorious. That I was not disgusting. Instead, you made me feel like I was. You made me feel like I had to hide that side of me, everytime you found a letter, a note from her, you'd tell me that I was following a crowd, that it wasn't right.

Where were you when I felt the only way to be accepted was to leave my home and move in with someone who I later realized really didn't care about me in any form possible. Why didn't you stop me? Why didn't you tell me you'd help me? Why didn't it feel like I could rely on you?

Where were you when I was homeless and I begged you to let me come home? I bounced around from house to house, you claimed to have cried every night. But did you know that I had too? Did you know or understand how it was that I felt? Being turned away from someone who's supposed to love you unconditionally.

Where were you when I spent multiple years of my life living with someone who took advantage of my kindness, of my love. When angry hands were grasping at my throat like I was prey to be hunted and degraded, tight like a constricting prison that my life had become. When a mocking voice shouted at me while I tried to suck air into my lungs, my face blue. When he policed everything I did, everything I wore, everywhere I went. What about when I finally hit back and he grabbed me by the hair and slammed my face into our apartment wall, followed by the floor. I still remember locking myself in the bedroom, hearing the pounding fist of rage on the door after being being pushed up against the kitchen sink and hit repeatedly in the face.

I found you though.

I found you when my life had come to it's very lowest and you had finally made a change in your life to be better.

But I'm okay now, where were you when I needed you the most and had absolutely no one?

Where were you?

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