After being dealt the worst cards on every play, time and time again you start to expect it to never change. Until it does, momentarily. In the back of your head that vigorous voice wont stop talking, it starts out so faint -slowly taking over your every thought. It always has a way of creeping in and destroying everything you try to build up on. It's true when they say you can't have good without the bad, but how much bad do you have to encounter before it stays good, even for a little longer than usual.
The everyday occurrences don't exactly relieve the yelling that's going on up above your shoulders, it feeds it -it's hungry, so desperate to take every little bit of absolutely anything negative that comes your way to turn you against yourself and everyone around you. Fighting back doesn't seem to work on the demons anymore, you're so mentally exhausted with little to no motivation to even begin to attempt lashing out at it because you know it will always come back no matter how hard the hits are.
Your doubts consume you and drain you of every ounce of hope you have for whatever is in front of you. Always telling yourself that this situation will come crashing down too, telling yourself it's your fault -that you don't deserve that pleasure, that you're not good enough. It's entrapped in your fucking soul, no chance of eradication even though you're holding the door wide open for it's escape.
That little bit of light that you found is not your light at all. You're trying to hold onto the one that you've grown to cherish so deeply not realizing that it wants to be the radiance in another room. It has it's way of telling you this, but you don't listen -you never listen.You don't get a light, you don't deserve one.
You unintentionally put him in a situation he doesn't want to be in, especially with you. You can do it alone, you've thought about just leaving so he can be happy -which is all you would ever want for him. You're just not that happiness and you've done nothing spectacular to be that happiness. You know that he won't admit it to you, only when he's excruciatingly angry and that hurts more than anything. Your last intention was to do this to someone who didn't want it, didn't want you.
You're aching to just be heard, you're so tired of dealing with all of that hurt on your own. There is no healing, the wound always has it's way of reopening -making you undesirable. You've traveled so far into the crevices of your own mind that you've become completely lost, the silent crying no longer ceases. It's on a constant cycle, and you're going to drown, you don't know how to swim. The only life preserver you thought you had was imaginary. No one is coming to save you, no one cares enough to save you.
Always being made out to be a terrible person because you don't know how to explain yourself, explain your thought process and emotions. Instead of speaking out you shelve so many bottles of pent up anger, sadness, and hopelessness onto any shelf you can reach. You're waiting for the shelves to become too heavy to bare the weight. You know that when those bottles shatter you will too, as they have many times before.
It will send you into another episode that no one around you is ready for. Breathing so heavy it's all you can hear, blood so hot it could melt your skin -seeping out, hitting and throwing everything that is in your path. You're legs will give out, knees hitting the floor as you sob and scream about everything and everyone who has ever done you wrong. You think about everyone who's said they care, but always left. Told you that you were worth something only to slam your face into the floor and tell you that you are absolutely nothing. Used you to get what they want, only to take everything you have and give nothing in return. To look you in the eye and tell you that you're not enough. That you won't be enough for anyone.
You believe it all. It is who you've become but not who you want to be. You have something you need to be strong for now, and it's so difficult to imagine that little life going through anything you've been through. You don't even want it to know what kinds of things you've had to deal with, you don't want it to know bad at all. Only good. Unrealistic of course, because everyone encounters bumps along the road no matter the size. But you want it to experience things you never got to, love you never had, support you've always needed.
You are going to put every little bit of love and happiness you can muster into that life, no matter what is thrown at you, no matter what paths you are forced to take. You are going to do everything in your power to ensure that it will never feel the hurt that you've had to endure for so many years. You will be better, do better.