Life as It Unfolds
It was past midnight and the summer breeze was rattling my windows, and I was wide awake in my dimly lit hostel room and dreaming with my eyes open of all that could have been, to the shouldn’t have been. If things were not how it is today, how it would have been otherwise? I guess we all have such thoughts, especially when there is a pile up of to-do things, I mean literally piling up! But you rather take off for a vacation than stop procrastinating. But all that you do is get up from bed add one more pointer to the list of things to finish tomorrow morning. Like any other night it was the same. Well that’s when I could sense a small light flash on my window, and I hop from my bed and lazily peep out of my windows and see its drizzling outside and the beautiful scent of the mud was rising in the air. This is led to a series of familiar yet forgotten memories of joy and love, but don’t know why somewhere deep down it was hurting me. Yes I was missing something!
The arrival of summers was always dreaded by my friends where I happily chirped about how I loved it. Who wouldn’t hate it, if you spent the summers in your college when all the students return back home other then we few loony researches trying our best to find something knew in a world where everyone seems to knows everything! Well, summers were always special to me. And I was time travelling back to the days I cherished. It was the time your exams got over, the last exam was always the one where you end up planning for the whole two months of vacation and of fun you are going to have. That’s when all of it begins, the summer vacations. Vacation for me was traveling to my mother’s ancestral house in a small town in Thrissur district of Kerala, situated between trees, coconut, mangoes, jackfruit and you don’t know what not’s. Everything is a fasciation to the curious minds, so was I, just like any child of that age. The wonders of nature always left me in wonder. Those were the times when you felt you have won a battle when you escape your mother’s eyes and sneak out of the house to skip the afternoon nap. All that you wanted was roam around the orchards doing nothing, and you are busy planning on how to get hold of the ripe mango you spotted on the tallest branch of the mango tree, which for some reason the annoyingly smart birds had not yet seen. Then it was the time for the temple festivals- the time for all the fun and gaiety, you see the elephants, decorations, the grandeur and it leaves you awestruck, to be frank it still does.
Thinking back, yes those were indeed the best days of my life. I miss all of those, and much more. I do marvel at god’s plans, yet those days are not coming back, I remind myself and go back to my bed. That’s when I sensed a void. I very well knew it existed but never wanted to confront my thoughts and address it, even though I knew that’s exactly that I should be doing. From a very early age, till now at the age of twenty five, penning down my thoughts was the way I cope with my emotions be it love, joy, grief, anger and everything in between. And yet something so important and I never had the courage to see it in writing maybe or it is that I did not want to accept the reality. I strongly believe it’s the latter. So finally I just decided to pen down my exact emotion and this is what I came up with. It has been a year and three months, that I lost my father and till day I fail to accept this. But it is indeed now that I’m slowly accepting this fact, because deep down I always had a small feeling someone is going to run up to me and say all this was lie, everything is back to how it was.
Yes, I was smart, kept my head high, and controlled all my emotions, smiled, laughed and more over made everyone believe I have moved on. Hell no! There is not a single day when I don’t think about him. There are some regrets, maybe I should have called you more often, there were a few things unsaid, or maybe I should have visited home more often, like I said before there are always so may should haves. Ultimately I just wish he were here. There is someone very special I wanted to talk to him about, but my father was always a very smart and logical person, so I’m positive he would have always known it, even before me.
Today I have finally accepted the reality. Things are never going back to the same, but beauty of life is, it just unfolds and waits for none. Life always presents you with opportunities to move on. And you make yourself believe everything happens for good, even if you never know what is good at the moment. In the long run everything is picture perfect and the larger frame is always beautiful. So all that I would say is time heels, life gives hope and happiness follows.
© 2018 Priyanka Menon