You Should Be Here

Updated on August 15, 2018

Most days I can get through just fine. I can “accept” the fact that you are not here. I can go from point A to point B and not shed a tear.

I make myself believe the cheap sayings about how God takes his favorite first and how only the good die young. About how everything happens for a reason.

But then there are days where the grey clouds hang and the rain comes down. Where all I can feel is the hurt. The anger I have. The guilt that everyone feels like they have. But most of all, the betrayal.

When the anger hits

I am sorry that I can’t be as strong as you would want me to be. I am sorry there are days I cuss at the world and hate people that walk in it, carefree. I am sorry I question my faith and for being so spiteful for how life came out to be.

I’m sorry that I can no longer hold on to the peace that life is kind when I have seen how shitty it can be. But I am even more sorry that I can’t hold my anger in every single day like i’d like too.

But I am pissed.

I am pissed that you took it upon yourself to leave our family behind. I am pissed that you have left us with so many questions. You left people who need you. Who need your hugs, your kisses and as simple as your voice. You left someone who didn’t get the chance to experience your love, more. You left people who would give the world to have just 5 more minutes with you.

I am pissed because I watch the news and see such horrible people who get the chance to live years longer than you got to. Because your heart is so pure it should have earned more years. More smiles.

I am pissed because you deserved this incredible life. You deserved to watch your nephew grow up and celebrate his milestones with me. You deserved to find the love of your life and grow old next to him.

And then I am so pissed because life is so damn unfair. And fine I sound like a two year throwing a fit but I get to because you should be here. What you did was unfair. What happyen to our family was unfair. Nothing about any of this is fair.

And the grief just come tumbling down

Losing someone hurts. Losing your sister is like taking half of you and throwing it away. I’m lost without you. Without your jokes. Your love. Your voice.

I miss you and I hate every minute of it. I shouldn’t have to. We shouldn’t have too. You should be able to pick up the phone when someone calle. You should be on the other side of the door answering it with a smile. We should be able to talk to you face to face and not to the clouds.

You should be here.

You should be here sending me a game of 8-ball, reminding me it is my turn. You should be here laughing with me and telling me jokes, not making me cry.

You should be here alive and well.

No matter how many times someone tells me it will be okay or throw some old saying at me, no matter any of those I decide that day to find comfort in, I will always believe your death with complete and utter bullshit.

I will always believe that there was a mistake because there’s no way you deserve this.

I will always believe that you should be here.

© 2018 Samantha Ebanks


    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No comments yet.


    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

    Show Details
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)