You Should Be Here
Most days I can get through just fine. I can “accept” the fact that you are not here. I can go from point A to point B and not shed a tear.
I make myself believe the cheap sayings about how God takes his favorite first and how only the good die young. About how everything happens for a reason.
But then there are days where the grey clouds hang and the rain comes down. Where all I can feel is the hurt. The anger I have. The guilt that everyone feels like they have. But most of all, the betrayal.
When the anger hits
I am sorry that I can’t be as strong as you would want me to be. I am sorry there are days I cuss at the world and hate people that walk in it, carefree. I am sorry I question my faith and for being so spiteful for how life came out to be.
I’m sorry that I can no longer hold on to the peace that life is kind when I have seen how shitty it can be. But I am even more sorry that I can’t hold my anger in every single day like i’d like too.
But I am pissed.
I am pissed that you took it upon yourself to leave our family behind. I am pissed that you have left us with so many questions. You left people who need you. Who need your hugs, your kisses and as simple as your voice. You left someone who didn’t get the chance to experience your love, more. You left people who would give the world to have just 5 more minutes with you.
I am pissed because I watch the news and see such horrible people who get the chance to live years longer than you got to. Because your heart is so pure it should have earned more years. More smiles.
I am pissed because you deserved this incredible life. You deserved to watch your nephew grow up and celebrate his milestones with me. You deserved to find the love of your life and grow old next to him.
And then I am so pissed because life is so damn unfair. And fine I sound like a two year throwing a fit but I get to because you should be here. What you did was unfair. What happyen to our family was unfair. Nothing about any of this is fair.
And the grief just come tumbling down
Losing someone hurts. Losing your sister is like taking half of you and throwing it away. I’m lost without you. Without your jokes. Your love. Your voice.
I miss you and I hate every minute of it. I shouldn’t have to. We shouldn’t have too. You should be able to pick up the phone when someone calle. You should be on the other side of the door answering it with a smile. We should be able to talk to you face to face and not to the clouds.
You should be here.
You should be here sending me a game of 8-ball, reminding me it is my turn. You should be here laughing with me and telling me jokes, not making me cry.
You should be here alive and well.
No matter how many times someone tells me it will be okay or throw some old saying at me, no matter any of those I decide that day to find comfort in, I will always believe your death with complete and utter bullshit.
I will always believe that there was a mistake because there’s no way you deserve this.
I will always believe that you should be here.
© 2018 Samantha Ebanks