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Why Does the Coronavirus Spread so Quickly?

I value ugly truths over glistening lies, especially when the ugly truth forces me to be better.

So Relevant and Funny


So, you want to know why the coronavirus is spreading so quickly, eh? Well I can tell you why it is spreading like a wildfire in the middle of a California, drought-addled summer. It is because humans are one of the nastiest species on this earth!

You're Nasty

I walked into Albertsons yesterday because I needed to get some fruit pouches and water for my son. Mind you, I wouldn't have had to be there for long had Sparkletts stuck to their delivery date or warned us they wouldn't be showing up; but what can you do when a virus is rampaging? Their lack of being prompt is understandable in these rough times.

What is absolutely egregious, repulsive, and dangerous are some of the other humans wandering about during this time of requested voluntary self-quarantine. Now, I'm generally averse to other humans, but I enjoy their company when they don't cause me problems.

At Albertsons, however, not five minutes into my rushed shopping excursion and the entire store comes to a pause when a man begins to hack up a lung! When I say the whole store, I'm not exaggerating for comical effect; no, everyone literally stopped what they were doing to watch, and slowly back away from this guy.


Just a Distraction

This guy was spraying spit all over the store at this point, and at no point did he think to cover his mouth! Everyone was absolutely appalled and disgusted, some people to the point of busting out their hand sanitizer and washing their hands as they stared on at the man. This was when it dawned upon me, this nasty man was being used to distract me from my shopping!

He was a mole from one of the other housewife types, sent to infect everyone so they couldn't shop anymore. "This is absolutely genius!" I thought to myself as I broke my attentions from this infected spectacle and began to head toward the water section.

When I arrived at the water section there was a person in a hazmat suit, grabbing up the last three cases of water available. Their figure was short, feminine, I knew I could take them in a fight whoever they were; so I walked up to their cart and yelled, "Your tool of infected distraction couldn't stop me!" and then I grabbed one of the last cases of water triumphantly from their cart.

Luckily they didn't try to give chase, although they must be tactically minded knowing that if they had created a spectacle around themselves then their entire plan would be foiled. I sneakily snagged some fruit pouches for my son and made my way home feeling like a champion.


Uhm... Why Is It Spreading so Quickly?

Well you see, I've uncovered a secret international group that goes by the pseudonym CoWS (Coalition of Worried Shoppers). This secretive group is collecting and sending out individuals infected with COVID-19 to distract, corner, and eliminate casual shoppers. The coalition's end goal is to hoard all the hand sanitizer, toilet paper, and pasta and then overthrow the world to establish a dictatorship based around structured shopping.

We thought the New World Order would be brought about by military force, utilized by the rich and elite in society, but this was just another distraction! Our true overlords wanted us to believe this so they could develop a virus in secret that would see us all quarantined, once the governments around the world go unwiped, unsanitized, and without carbohydrate-laden meals they'll reveal themselves.

Upon the reveal of their existence every nation will succumb to the urge to trade their freedoms for sanitizer, TP, and yummy pasta, and the coalition's goal of world domination will have been achieved.

Moral of the Story

The only reason I came up with this story is because I actually did go to Albertsons yesterday, and there was a dude spraying spit everywhere and it caused everyone to stop in their tracks and watch on in disgust. Granted, it was pretty disgusting but I found everyone's reaction to be a little over the top, though maybe slightly reasonable in these times of crisis.

Nonetheless people, please, I beg you, stop being nasty and cover your darn mouths. Whenever I cough or sneeze, I do so into my shirt. I take my collar up over my nose and I let her rip.

Don't be like the Albertsons guy! Cover your mouth!


Kyler J Falk (author) from California on March 30, 2020:

I suppose if it is all real, with no exaggeration and ulterior motives, we can be thankful for not being part of the statistics at the very least.

Shauna L Bowling from Central Florida on March 30, 2020:

I don't know anyone who's come down with it either, Kyler. Nor does my son or anyone I work with, yet the numbers escalate daily. Or do they????

Kyler J Falk (author) from California on March 30, 2020:

I never wish to downplay serious events and traumas, but I'm going to be honest and say that not a single person I know nor anyone my girlfriend knows has contracted the coronavirus. We go outside nearly every single day, practicing social distancing, and the strangers we talk to don't know anyone either yet.

I know it can't just be a big conspiracy, but at the same time it is being handled in a much stranger way than I feel it should be handled, especially by the media.

Shauna L Bowling from Central Florida on March 30, 2020:

Kyler, at this point, your exaggerated story isn't really all that far-fetched. I hear Mexico is now going to build a wall at their expense. Wouldn't it suck if that was what this global pandemic is really all about?

Kyler J Falk (author) from California on March 27, 2020:

Thanks for the compliment, Olusegun.

Kyler J Falk (author) from California on March 27, 2020:

Thank you for the kind compliment, Zulma, and it is quite baffling to me as well.

Zulma Burgos-Dudgeon from United Kingdom on March 27, 2020:

I'd like to say I find it incredible that some people still don't practice something as basic as covering your mouth when coughing. I'd like to, but that would be a lie.

It's nice to see someone injecting a bit of humour into the current crisis and I thank you.

OLUSEGUN from NIGERIA on March 26, 2020:

Educative. Enjoyed this.

Kyler J Falk (author) from California on March 25, 2020:

Thank you, Ivana!

Ivana Divac from Serbia on March 25, 2020:

Very interesting article! You used a note of humor and made everyone laugh or at least smile, BUT you also managed to make some strong points and tell the harsh truth. Well done!

Kyler J Falk (author) from California on March 25, 2020:

I'm glad I could make you laugh, Ruby, and it was a true story up until the conspiracy began. Guy was spewing spit everywhere! Blegh!

Ruby Jean Richert from Southern Illinois on March 25, 2020:

HaHa..I bought your story and was just as disgusted as you, then I realized you were being funny. I agree. People who doesn't cover their mouth when sneezing or coughing should be banned from shopping. Now we know why the virus spreads so quickly.

Kyler J Falk (author) from California on March 25, 2020:

Thank you, Mitara, and I think he was just sick not actually trying to scare people away. Still, you could see the spit flying out of his mouth.

You stay safe and much love to you and yours as well!

Mitara N from South Africa on March 25, 2020:

Thats insane, and humorous I must add.

And it takes this pandemic for all to be concious of these habits. It should have been part of hygiene and manners, to cover your mouth, and like everyone is doing now where ever you go, mask themselves, and respect the space of the next person.

If that was his tactic, it was very disrespectful

To all, continue to be safe

Kyler, always appreciate your articles and your thoughts,

Be safe, Love, light and happiness to you and your family

Kyler J Falk (author) from California on March 25, 2020:

Yes, please, do as Peggy commands and keep your butts at home! Thanks for reading!

Peggy Woods from Houston, Texas on March 25, 2020:

You wrote this in a humorous tone, which has me smiling about this serious subject. Yes, people NEED to be responsible, PARTICULARLY when we are faced with a pandemic. Cover your mouth when coughing or sneezing, and if feeling ill, PLEASE stay at home!!!

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