Why Does the Coronavirus Spread so Quickly?
So Relevant and Funny
So, you want to know why the coronavirus is spreading so quickly, eh? Well I can tell you why it is spreading like a wildfire in the middle of a California, drought-addled summer. It is because humans are one of the nastiest species on this earth!
I walked into Albertsons yesterday because I needed to get some fruit pouches and water for my son. Mind you, I wouldn't have had to be there for long had Sparkletts stuck to their delivery date or warned us they wouldn't be showing up; but what can you do when a virus is rampaging? Their lack of being prompt is understandable in these rough times.
What is absolutely egregious, repulsive, and dangerous are some of the other humans wandering about during this time of requested voluntary self-quarantine. Now, I'm generally averse to other humans, but I enjoy their company when they don't cause me problems.
At Albertsons, however, not five minutes into my rushed shopping excursion and the entire store comes to a pause when a man begins to hack up a lung! When I say the whole store, I'm not exaggerating for comical effect; no, everyone literally stopped what they were doing to watch, and slowly back away from this guy.
Just a Distraction
This guy was spraying spit all over the store at this point, and at no point did he think to cover his mouth! Everyone was absolutely appalled and disgusted, some people to the point of busting out their hand sanitizer and washing their hands as they stared on at the man. This was when it dawned upon me, this nasty man was being used to distract me from my shopping!
He was a mole from one of the other housewife types, sent to infect everyone so they couldn't shop anymore. "This is absolutely genius!" I thought to myself as I broke my attentions from this infected spectacle and began to head toward the water section.
When I arrived at the water section there was a person in a hazmat suit, grabbing up the last three cases of water available. Their figure was short, feminine, I knew I could take them in a fight whoever they were; so I walked up to their cart and yelled, "Your tool of infected distraction couldn't stop me!" and then I grabbed one of the last cases of water triumphantly from their cart.
Luckily they didn't try to give chase, although they must be tactically minded knowing that if they had created a spectacle around themselves then their entire plan would be foiled. I sneakily snagged some fruit pouches for my son and made my way home feeling like a champion.
Uhm... Why Is It Spreading so Quickly?
Well you see, I've uncovered a secret international group that goes by the pseudonym CoWS (Coalition of Worried Shoppers). This secretive group is collecting and sending out individuals infected with COVID-19 to distract, corner, and eliminate casual shoppers. The coalition's end goal is to hoard all the hand sanitizer, toilet paper, and pasta and then overthrow the world to establish a dictatorship based around structured shopping.
We thought the New World Order would be brought about by military force, utilized by the rich and elite in society, but this was just another distraction! Our true overlords wanted us to believe this so they could develop a virus in secret that would see us all quarantined, once the governments around the world go unwiped, unsanitized, and without carbohydrate-laden meals they'll reveal themselves.
Upon the reveal of their existence every nation will succumb to the urge to trade their freedoms for sanitizer, TP, and yummy pasta, and the coalition's goal of world domination will have been achieved.
Moral of the Story
The only reason I came up with this story is because I actually did go to Albertsons yesterday, and there was a dude spraying spit everywhere and it caused everyone to stop in their tracks and watch on in disgust. Granted, it was pretty disgusting but I found everyone's reaction to be a little over the top, though maybe slightly reasonable in these times of crisis.
Nonetheless people, please, I beg you, stop being nasty and cover your darn mouths. Whenever I cough or sneeze, I do so into my shirt. I take my collar up over my nose and I let her rip.
Don't be like the Albertsons guy! Cover your mouth!