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Who The Hell Is This Mike Guy, Anyway?

I'm not a person, I'm a big red button that says Do Not Press.

I got Mike in big trouble one time. It was kinda stupid. So of course I gotta tell you, because of course I gotta tell you everything. This was a long, long, long time ago, way before Mike and I ever dated. I must've been thirteen, fourteen years old. I know I was too young to drive, I know that much. One day, we decided it would be so freaking hilarious to go to one of those sex stores, where they had lingerie and vibrators and stuff like that. We thought that would be good for a laugh. Our lame-ass town was so small that it didn't have one of those stores, so we had to go two towns over just to go to one of those freaky stores. We weren't looking to buy, like I said we weren't even dating yet.

Approximation of what I looked like back then. Hey, it was the 90's.

Approximation of what I looked like back then. Hey, it was the 90's.

It was kinda funny at first. We were giggling and stuff, you know. I was teasing him, saying, “oh man, I bet this one is bigger than you,” and he said, “oh I don't think so, I'm way bigger than that.” Of course I had to go and be a bitch and say, “you need to buy this for me.” And he was like, “no freaking way,” because he was a pretty nice guy, pretty generous and all, but the thing was over a hundred dollars. I don't think he could've afforded that even if he wanted to.

Mike was like, “Whatever, ain't no way I'm buying that for you when I'm bigger anyway.” Now that day, Mike was wearing some really baggy jeans. Reeeeeally baggy. They were JNCO jeans, the ones with the kangaroo on the pocket. They were so huge that each leg could fit a whole 'nother person. So I stuck the vibrator in one of the giant pockets and the jeans were so baggy that he couldn't even feel it. So when we finally got bored of walking around laughing at everything, we strolled on out the store and boom the alarm goes off. Now I wasn't doing this to try to get Mike in trouble or anything. I was stupid back then. Like, I know I'm stupid now, but I was even dumber back then if you can believe that.

Don't act like you don't remember these.

Don't act like you don't remember these.

Those places never have men there, it's always ladies and they're usually kind of freaky-looking ladies. I thought it would be funny to embarrass Mike in front of those freaky-looking sex shop ladies. Even though he was really good-looking, Mike was actually really shy. I thought the alarm probably wouldn't go off anyway, and even if it did, all it was going to do was embarrass him a little bit and it wouldn't be a big deal.

But that's not what happened at all. Oh hell no. I thought the freaky sex shop ladies would just laugh and him and make him feel stupid for stealing a vibrator, but they called the cops. They locked him in the back room with all the movies. I tried to be like hey guys, come on, but I didn't know what to say back then. I didn't know anything. I was dumb, really really dumb. Whenever I smoke I think everything is hilarious and that's what happened. I just had to go and try to be funny.

Oh lord this turned out to be nightmare fuel. Sorry, guys. Sleep tight!

Oh lord this turned out to be nightmare fuel. Sorry, guys. Sleep tight!

Mike could've totally said yeah, my stupid little friend did that as a joke to embarrass me, sorry y'all, won't happen again, but he didn't do that. He totally took the fall for me. He said these exact words: “I'm sorry I stole it, but I just wanted to try it out.” I swear I heard him say it. The really shitty thing is that Mike was over 18. If I'd done it, I don't think anything would have happened to me. But since Mike was an adult, they actually arrested him. He had to go to jail and everything. I felt like the biggest piece of shit in the world. And the thing is, he never tried to blame it on me. He never tried to bring me into it.

It even got picked up by the newspaper, which was a lot bigger deal back then. That town was pretty small, just as small as ours. I guess the population was a little bit kinkier because they had a sex shop and we didn't, but it was just a small-assed town where nothing ever happened, so whenever anybody got arrested for anything, it would be in the paper. Well, this made the paper. It had his full name, his full government name Michael Lee Haynes, and it even said that he was arrested for stealing a vibrator from Loose Cooter's or whatever the place was called. I swear. It didn't say he stole “merchandise,” it said exactly what he stole and where he stole it from. Shit this is America, I didn't know they were allowed to do that.

Yep, just about.

Yep, just about.

I just wanted to embarrass him in front of five or six people, not every single person we knew, but he took it like a champ. Mike was always super chill about things. He never said anything about it. They ended up dropping the charges since he'd never done anything wrong before. I guess they figured that since they'd embarrassed him really good, that was enough punishment. I don't know if I ever even apologized to him for it. Either way, he never tried to bring it up again, or tried to make me feel bad about it. He really looked out for me that day, even though I totally didn't deserve it at all.

© 2022 Stephanie Johnson