Skip to main content

When Hell Hath Frozen Over

Dean Traylor is a freelance writer and teacher who writes about various subjects, including education and creative writing.

Gustave Dore's Inferno

Gustave Dore's Inferno

Part 1

A very agitated Satan snatched the soul of the most irritating man to have ever lived.

The action was abrupt and quick, and it happened while Stone Fickle - our soul in question - waited impatiently to enter the immaculate light of eternity. Although, Stone complained about the rudeness of his actions, Satan yanked the soul down into the dark light of hell without saying a word.

Some of the angels saw it, but didn't intervene.

"I've never seen him so angry," Gabriel whispered to St. Peter.

St. Peter only shook his head: "Have mercy on his soul."

"Yeah, Satan's going to show him hell."

"No," said St. Peter, "Stone Fickle better have mercy on his soul. He's the meanest soul we've seen, yet. Thank God he's not welcomed here."

"Hey!" yelled Stone. "What gives?

Part 2

Satan dragged Stone down the cold, dark cave that served as the entranceway to his kingdom.

"Hey!" yelled Stone. "What gives?"

Satan didn't answer.

"I asked you a question, bub!"

The prince of darkness shot the protesting soul a look that could burn holes, literally, into any living thing in the universe. He growled like a low churning thunder.

Stone, however, wasn't impressed. He complained: "I was in the light and now I'm in the darkness of damnation. And you have the nerves not to tell me why? This simply won't do!"

Stone tried to move back to the light, but Satan secured his hold on him by moving his gigantic, clawed hand on the nape of Stone's neck and pinching very securely on it.

"Damnit!" yelled Stone, "I want to go to the light. I was promised the light! What do you think was the reason for attending church in the first place?"

"Don't tell me to shut-up!" Stone yelled. "I'm a man of faith, and I deserve better service than this!"

"Shut-up!" Satan finally said as he guided this soul down to hell.

"Don't tell me to shut-up!" Stone yelled. "I'm a man of faith, and I deserve better service than this!"

The complaints went on and on. For Satan, it was like having a huge weight placed firmly between the horns on his head. He glanced toward Heaven. No wonder you didn't want him, he thought.

"When I get through with you, you'll wish you never pissed me off!" Stone continued.
Satan could only think, "The nerves!"

"You'll learn! You'll see!" Stone continued. "You don't mess with Stone Fickle. It will be a cold day in Hell when you get your way with me."

The two came to the end of the cave and entered a wide chamber. Satan hauled Stone off his feet - this time by his hair. Stone flailed like a fish on a hook while complaining how long it took him to get his hair nice and coiffed. Satan glared at this little fly of a person in his grasp.

"Funny you say that about my home." Satan said with an impish grin.

He lifted Stone above his head and spun him like he was a lasso and hurled him into the wide chamber. Stone bounced and slid along the icy – and bizarrely-shaped surface. The momentum sent him into several craggy-shaped ice columns, shattering them.


Stone tried to get up. But, he slipped and fell every time he tried. He yelled, and cursed at Satan as he did so. Finally, Stone made his way to one of the many icy columns on this floor. He propped himself up, and gave Satan a menacing look. It was about this time he realized that Satan was standing on a precipice far above him.

"What is your problem?" Stone yelled.

"Take a look around you," the prince of darkness replied.


"Take a look around you, Stone. You say you're a man of faith."

Stone observed his environment. The columns were definitely odd, but the forms were oddly familiar. Its contours were sharp in certain areas, smooth in others. Also, they appeared to have a yellow-orange glow inside. For a moment, he thought they looked like flames, however, being the "smart wit" he was, Stone came to another conclusion.

"Yeah, so you have lame taste in décor. Big deal, bub!"

Gustave Dore's Paradice Lost

Gustave Dore's Paradice Lost

Part 3

Satan rolled his eyes and shook his head and let out a thunderous sigh. Perturbed anger washed across his face like a tidal wave. His eyes burned red, steam bellowed from his nostrils. The veins in his forehead expanded and bulged on his temple.

Stone Fickle wasn't impressed.

"Oh look at you!" he taunted, "The big bad devil, himself! Man, you're a joke!"

That's it, Satan thought, enough is enough. It was time to get rid of Stone.

He lifted a finger. A ray of light flashed from it and hit the column Stone was supporting himself on. It turned into fire. Stone yelped and reeled back from the flame, falling hard on the floor. He screamed in agony.

"You ass!" he finally said after recovering from the burn.

"Well," said Satan. "Do you now recognize where you are?"

Stone stared at the flame.

"Gee!" Stone sarcastically yelled "Let me guess: The Lake of Fire? Yeah, Could've fooled me there."

"What?," Satan hissed.

"It's frozen," Stone said." Can't you do anything right?" hated everyone; demeaned everyone and you thought you were right too many times when in fact you were wrong

"Well," Satan said. "You're very observant. Too bad you weren't when you lived."

"What do you mean? I went to church. I did the right things. How did I end up here?"

"Ahh, you said you lived a good life. But, you hated everyone; demeaned everyone and you thought you were right too many times when in fact you were wrong. And you never, ever, took the time to see yourself for what you really were.

"Of course, who wouldn't see that until there was a cold day in hell? Here's your wish!"

Suddenly, something broke through the ice under Stone. The arms were burning, charred and blackened. Still, they grabbed hold of him. Stone, for the first time, was afraid. The hands kept coming through the ice: three, four, five of them latching onto him. The moans of the damned souls came through as well. Stone struggled from the hands. However, the ice was melting, the columns turned to its original forms.


"Damnit! You tricky son of a ...."

Satan bellowed a laugh that shook the halls, walls and stalagmite floors and stalactite ceilings of Hell, and drowned out Stone's final rant.

At that time, The Lake of Fire became just that: a lake of fire. The burning souls finally took hold of Stone and were about to pull him under the lava.

"I'll kick your...:" Stone's last words were muffled by a burning hand that clasped his mouth and head and pulled him under.

That felt good, Satan thought. He was feeling like he had just shed a huge burden off his back. For the first time in an eon, Satan felt heavenly.


© 2017 Dean Traylor