Watching the Deconstructed Hypocritical Detectives

Heather has a Bachelor's Degree in English from Moravian College and has been freelance writing for more than 12 years.

Woke up with the satisfaction of not hearing an alarm clock

Shouting at increasingly deafening high decibels

That it was time to get up and tackle the day head on

Like a defensive lineman that pictured sacking the quarterback

The stormy feelings of an overheated and caffeinated Tuesday

Vanished under the cloud of fatigue and Melatonin

Had a mission to have a lazy morning of tooling around

On the computer looking up random pictures and cat videos

To post on social media to cause likes and confuse the rest

Just for the sheer fun of being vague and mysterious on the internet

A new persona unable to pull off on the stage and in the real world

Don't have the poker face to make being an enigma successful

Will have to settle for being plain honest Jane in broad daylight

Been told by many occasions by New Jersey's own critic du jour

The modern day combination of Hazel, Archie Bunker and Ralph Kramden

That my appearance was too washed out and pale to be noticed

A personality much worse than a tiger's nails on a chalkboard

A laugh that made Fran Drescher's fictional laugh all the more appealing

Sensitivity to being poked, prodded and critiqued by Siskel and Ebert

With a decorum of a bull locked up overnight in a china shop

Shocked and horrified by the aftermath after a short visit

Felt like an eternity in a police interrogation room

Sweated out by Det. Lennie Briscoe and Sgt. Joe Friday

Two different top television cops from different shows and eras

Comforted and eviscerated at the same time by their blunt honesty

Left the sweatbox of a room ten pounds lighter and completely depressed

Developed a desire to eat all four recently purchased Mr. Goodbars at once

A failure in life and in living up to the expectations of the critics

Wondered how to top my last box office success

Without appearing too desperate to be liked by everyone

Eager to not have to pander my integrity away

Just to make a few miserable toads smile for a brief moment

Likely at my own expense to be ridiculed at a later publication

Knew that his particular critic will never change their views

Too much time passed for this leopard to change their spots

Tattooed them in black permanent ink; impossible to remove

Not even surgically will do the trick of moving the impossible

Resigned by the fact that this creature will remain unmoved

Won't develop a sensitivity chip to implant in their brain

Even if they were struck by lightning or won the lottery overnight

Forced to accept that this tortured starlet needs to grow a backbone

Developed a metal and steel laced spine to fight back

Without having to utter a word in defiance against them

Done trying to win the approval of someone who'll never give it

Striving to find some small slice of Apple Pie flavored happiness

No more tears extended to more than just baby shampoo

Bought some gently used boxing gloves to hit the heavy bag with

Trying to bounce back from the latest not-so civil skirmish

Had been slow going but leisurely getting some colorful humor back

A smile crept up while listening to Bowie and Clapton hits

Destined to strive to a weekend of mellow easy listening

No need for any type of reproach, especially when no offense committed

Moved on from the sting of too much salt thrown into the open wounds

No Neosporin or alcohol can erase the ones invisible to the naked eye

Ready to put on the Kevlar vest and other assorted body armor

Before entering enemy territory unprepared

Get ready to run now. Duck whenever necessary.