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What Am Afraid Of?

Amani is a university student who loves writing. I have been writing since I was twelve. I love writing.

what-am-afraid-of

Am not scared or afraid to pour out my heart to you, am not scared to let you know about the many dreams have had of you, am not scared to let you know that my phone's gallery is dominated by your pictures..... Am not scared to openly admit that I fantasize about you...
Am not scared to let you know, but am scared you won't feel the same .
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Am a little bit scared that everything might change. Am scared you might walk away while I dearly need you around. Am a little bit scared that my heart may hate me for the rest of my days if it doesn't work out in my favour. Am afraid that my head will turn against me, ridicule me, mock me or even turn on me.

Am afraid I won't even have to say goodbye should it not go as I hope it should.
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Am really terrible at goodbyes honestly. Am not the kind who let go easily.
Am afraid of being hurt cause the last time out my heart literally lost some nuts.
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. Am just at the sidelines, trying to look at the beauty of life . Because I don't want to get hurt. I want to be happy without having commitments on me. I want happiness but am scared I may just walk straight and open up the door of regrets...
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I still want to wake up to your morning texts, I still need someone to check up on me and see if have overdosed lately. I still need to see that smile everyday just to brighten up my days. I still need someone to keep calling me up late night just to say good night to me.
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In my head I have already seen the future should it go my way.. In my head I have also seen my future should it not go my way....
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I know it would be great if I could have you all to myself. It would be hell if I lose you. ...
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Am afraid I don't believe in statistics.

What am really scared of is not having you around. What am really afraid of is us not talking like we used to.. . What am afraid of is me being added to the list of someone you used to know. Or someone you think you used to know.

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Am just going to keep this feelings to myself because losing you is not something I can't live with because I'd rather see you go out with someone else but still have you in my life.
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© 2019 Amani Utembu

Comments

Amani Utembu (author) from Nairobi -Kenya on April 07, 2019:

Thanks Brenda

BRENDA ARLEDGE from Washington Court House on April 07, 2019:

"I want to be happy without having commitments on me" this phrase tells the real story. No one can be completely happy without wanting to be committed fulltime...not just for a few moments.

Great read.