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Uncle Whats-His-Face

I'm not a person, I'm a big red button that says Do Not Press.

So one time, my dad and I got it into our heads to go fishing. I don't remember what made us think about doing that. I think maybe it was something we saw on the TV about bass fishing. We started saying yeah, we should do that. That looks chill as fuck. Dad said he been a few times, so he knew what he was doing. But he hadn't been for a while, so he didn't have any kind of fishing gear--no fishing pole or a boat or anything like that--so we went over to one of our uncle's houses and asked to borrow some stuff.

They really didn't seem like they wanted to give it to us, but my dad sort of talked them into it. He said we were trying to do like a father-daughter bondage type of thing you know, so finally my uncle said okay, just don't fuck my boat up. Dad said “Man, I'm not gonna fuck your boat up for no reason. What kind of person do you think I am anyway?” Even though he obviously didn't want to, Uncle What's-His-Face let us borrow the boat and a couple of fishing poles and a yellow trailer thing, so we went on out there with all that.

Fishing seems super relaxing, but it was actually pretty complicated. You have to get the boat in the water by driving the trailer in the water, then you untie the boat, then one of you has to be in the boat and the other one drives the car away. And you gotta get the worm things, nightcrawlers, from the gas station, but you can only go to a redneck gas station, a normal gas station won't have them.

And this guy's behind the counter. And he won't let you just come in, buy your shit, and leave, oh no, you gotta listen to a story about every fish he ever caught since 1973.

And this guy's behind the counter. And he won't let you just come in, buy your shit, and leave, oh no, you gotta listen to a story about every fish he ever caught since 1973.

So we did all that, and got snacks and drinks and stuff, because we knew we weren't gonna catch a fish in like five minutes or whatever, you know, we knew it was gonna be a little harder than that. We did all that, and we got out there, which was a giant pain in the ass, and then we had to row ourselves out into the middle of the lake, which took ages, because that's where all the fish are is in the middle, right? Dad had to do most of the work, which he wouldn't shut up about, like okay, sorry I'm a thirteen-year-old girl?

This seems easier. I think we should've just stayed home and did this.

This seems easier. I think we should've just stayed home and did this.

But finally we're sitting out there, chilling, having a good time. Then, after like twenty minutes, I get something tugging on my line, so I was like hell yeah, that's pretty awesome, so I pull and pull and the whole pole thing just like totally snapped in half. I was like son of a bitch...but I figured Dad and I could still have a good time even if I couldn't fish. He still had a fishing pole, so we could still do this with just the one.

We were out there maybe twenty more minutes and something grabbed on Dad's line, and he was really careful too, because he saw what happened to mine, so he carefully tried to reel this thing in, and I'll be damned but his fishing pole broke in half too! And we were like, oh my God, seriously you've got to be kidding me. Dad said, “You know what? I bet those poles were already broken. That asshole didn't want to loan us his good stuff so he lent us his broken shit. Ain't no way that it was our fault. I wasn't yanking on it and neither were you.” Dad was right. If he didn't want to loan us his fishing poles, he should have said no, instead of loaning us broken ones and making us go all the way out there for no reason.

So we ended up just leaving the boat out there. We didn't put it back on the trailer thing and do all that with it, we just like left it out there 'cause Dad was like, “Well, if you want your boat back you gotta get it yourself if you're gonna be like that.” And then we went to Chili's.

I'd like to see you catch some of these on your stupid fishing pole, Uncle Whats-His-Face

I'd like to see you catch some of these on your stupid fishing pole, Uncle Whats-His-Face

© 2022 Stephanie Johnson

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