To This Day - A Re-Telling of How I First Fell In and Fell Out of Love.
I met you last year in September.
It was a few days after my birthday and since then I’ve had a slight infatuation with you, I was taken by your laugh, I was captured by your jokes, I was mesmerized by the pigmentation that covered the top left side of your face, the beauty mark blemishing your nose and your entrancing smile that dashed wrinkles on the corners of your whiskey coloured eyes and lifted up my stagnant mood, I was fascinated by the way you were, the way you looked in my eyes, there was a glow or shield that was impenetrable, surrounding you, you weren’t at all unique or a special kind of person but amongst all your act-a-likes you stood out for me.
After getting to know who you were, I tried getting over you, knowing full well that with who you were known to be, we could never work out and that I shouldn’t feel this way about you…
Your fingers danced across their hearts, gripping in one fatal swoop, you had this hold on many girls, it was a hunger, a thirst, a motivational drive, for you, this game was a sick selfish need.
But I couldn’t stop the accelerated flow of my beating heart when you crossed my path because you were so charming to me, you were so… Genuine, you asked for advice and help all the time, your voice and your attention made my heart tingle, the very essence of you brightened up my day the scent of your cinnamon skin wrapped around me in an unyielding dominance, you who could make my day and send it back crashing down in an instant with one sharp word or one look of disgust or completely ignoring me altogether.
I didn’t want to give away my feelings because I knew it was an unrequited kind of love so I helped you on those few days to get with a girl who was similar to you… A beautiful liar… The girl when I told her that you liked her she started crying with happiness and I started crying too, she thought it was because I was happy for her but I wasn’t.
I really wasn't.
You both lasted only a couple weeks, twelve days to be exact and I was truly sad that you may have been sad, I thought you really liked her but it turns out that you had played the game as you usually would, typical I guess, of course, you’d know how to break a heart breaker.
I wanted you to be happy, I wanted you to do the right thing for yourself and I could see that you really were who I thought you were, I could see that you feel as if you're alone in the world and that you have nothing good to look forward to for your future.
You act a certain way to extrude this tough or cool exterior so you can be accepted by the people who I call my bullies and who you call your friends by using this male bravado of yours, but I will always be here for you, the real you.
As my feelings for you soured my heart, things at home turned just as bad, so much yelling, so much anger, it was all too much to handle, thoughts of you didn’t help as it use to, words, objects, fists hit me harder than the emotions you had once evoked till that was all that was stained in mind, so I ran and I didn’t think of you or anyone, I just ran and never turned back.
It’s been a few months since I left the place I call home and a few months since I last looked into your eyes that always took my breath away remembering their mocha colour with flecks of molten gold sprinkled across them, as if God had focused particularly hard with the creation of those eyes, making sure every aspect from colour to shine to reflection of emotion could debilitate me... not that they had been lingering in my mind when my eyes opened in the morning or when they closed at night.
I got better though, more independent. I moved on and never once had I thought of you as that shining creature that I was afraid to touch in case it would run and stab me in the heart in the process… I thought I had gotten over you… I thought I had forgotten you… so I came back thinking I had gotten over you but then you came and showed up in front of me again and the faucet of emotion that I turned off had defied me, turning itself back on, all the feelings came rushing back all at once, overflowing, filling me with an overwhelming sense of emotion that I couldn’t fully process as it came so fast and rapidly with no warning or preparation.
But this time... it was different.
I wasn’t that same girl that fell over every word that slipped through your lips or every movement that you made, I was appreciating myself and loving who I am and I didn’t melt from one glance at those eyes or shiver from every touch that you gave, I didn’t blindly follow every lie that you spoke, I changed….
So maybe that's why… Is that why? Is that why you started to turn your head when I talked? Is that why you laughed when I laughed, you smiled when I smiled, is that why you started to talk to me more fondly, touch me more tenderly? Is that why you grasped tightly onto my waist so I wouldn’t leave? Is that why you followed me when I walked home alone thinking I wouldn’t notice that presence I had paid attention to for so long? Is that why you told me you felt what I felt, you saw in me what I saw in you?
And just like that, I fell over you all over again, deeper, faster… blinder than ever, you treated me as if I was everything you had hoped for though never making it official. You showed me that I was worth it, that you cared and so I let you in and showed every emotion I had, for you, for life, for everything.
I spilt everything I had deep inside my heart... and then something happened, you changed, you acted differently, you became distant, isolated, you told me nothing was wrong and tried to reassure me with a smile, but being someone who has gazed and admired that smile, I knew which was genuine and which wasn’t and because I had so deeply let you in I know you knew I wasn’t so naive.
Then I saw it, that dazzling smile that took my breath away.
And then I saw the reason...
As beautiful on the outside as I knew she was fake on the in, but your smile was as beautiful and bright as ever, our eyes locked and I thought your smile would falter, I thought you would feel as though you wronged me because though we may not have been official, we weren’t nothing, right?
But instead you smiled wider, interlaced your fingers with hers and came to me, introducing us, with that smile still staining your face, I could see it, your soul shining through your smile, this one was different, you were in love... or so you thought and just like that you walked away with another heart in your hand and mine in stride with hers, blinded by a love that I feel for a boy that will never be mine.
You turn around from afar and smile at me, I smile back, wide and vulnerable as crystalline tears dripped down my cheeks and into my heart freezing and re-sealing the remains in an impenetrable shield…
It was a first love, what can I say?
The try to get over but never really do, kind-of-love.
Painful and Annoying.
© 2019 Callista Odysseus