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This Is My Life, These Are My Things

I value ugly truths over glistening lies, especially when the ugly truth forces me to be better.

My beautiful home in the hills.

My beautiful home in the hills.


Hey there, stranger, I'm glad you accepted my invitation! I really didn't think anyone would actually come by and take my little tour, but here you are. It's really nice to meet you, and I'd shake your hand, but you know social distancing and all. Without further ado, I suppose, let's get on with the reason you're here!

This is my house, and though it doesn't look like much from outside it holds a great many stories and secrets. I mean, the roofing alone has weathered more storms than I can count, and every creak in the walls lets me know she's ready for more at any time! Despite a few updates to her paint and piping, she is still a one-hundred percent genuine antique.

Did you know that Harriet Tubman used this home as a part of the Underground Railroad? Yup, this puppy has seen its fair share of atrocities and wonders alike. Speaking of puppies, here is my dog, Daryl.

My handsome dog, Daryl.

My handsome dog, Daryl.

He's a Good Boy

My dog Daryl is what the kids these days would call, "the goodest boy."

Pardon him jumping all over you and licking, he is super friendly and doesn't bite; if you'd like him to stop just say, "Down, Daryl!"

Yeah, he really is a good boy though, and has been by my side every day for the last eight years or so. Even in the down times when we have no visitors he is chipper and keeping me from getting too down in the dumps. In fact, I'm not sure what I would do without him.

He's a rescue, ya know? They found him in squalor as a puppy when his mom gave birth to a litter, and he was the only survivor of the bunch. Apparently, the owner had passed away in the home and no one knew, and his mother survived by eating the owner's body. How disgusting, right?

Nonetheless, a good boy who survived on his wits and will alone. That's something I value in people, wits and will; seems to be those qualities are lacking in the youth today. You don't seem unwitting and lacking, though, you're very lively just like my wife!

Speaking of the Devil herself, let's head out to the backyard—or as I like to call it our private playland!

The woman I love.

The woman I love.

Our Private Playland

Hey honey, someone responded to the ad again! How lucky are we, right!? This is my wife Suzin, that's Suzin with an, "I-N."

She's a beauty ain't she? Really knows her botany and takes care of this private playland you see back here! However, to see where the magic is really at we'll need to take a little trip up into our forest. Ready? Let's go!

I'm sure at this point you can see why Harriet Tubman chose this spot as her hideaway; very off-the-beaten-path and private. It was actually Suzin's great great grandpappy's house; built it with his own hands and claimed this land for himself after returning from his trip to South America.

He learned quite a lot about flora and fauna while messing around with a pretty young botanist down there, and ended up bringing back some really cool stuff! You see those white flowers up ahead? Those are called Borrachero, and they are the big show in our private playland!

Aren't they absolutely beautiful? The yellow and white is entrancing, and I could stroll through these woods and stare at them all day. However, since we don't have all day, and I'm sure you're anxious to end the tour, I need to show you just what these babies can do.

You see this white powder? It is harvested from a chemical process using the seeds of the Borrachero. It smells delicious, here, let me blow some your way.

Don't Trust the Powder

Woah there, you're getting a bit wobbly; perhaps you should sit down for a minute, yeah? Good, very good, and could you unlock your phone for me? Thank you, oh so very much.

Now, please bring up your bank information for me. I see you use the Chase banking app... ah, yes, very good! May I have your phone, please? Here you go, Suzin, do your thing.

Before you're unable to walk let's get you down the hill to the house, we wouldn't want you waking up in the middle of the forest! You see, you're not going to remember a thing from today, and we're gonna explain it away as you suffering heat exhaustion on our hike. Please, have a seat on the couch and make yourself comfortable.

Normally this is the point in the tour where I'd say something like, "Well this is my life, and these are my things! What do you think?" as I laugh and enjoy your last few minutes of consciousness, but your eyes are rolling in the back of your head. So, good night I guess! See you when you're up!

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