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This Is My Life, These Are My Things

I value ugly truths over glistening lies, especially when the ugly truth forces me to be better.

My beautiful home in the hills.

My beautiful home in the hills.


Hey there, stranger, I'm glad you accepted my invitation! I really didn't think anyone would actually come by and take my little tour, but here you are. It's really nice to meet you, and I'd shake your hand, but you know social distancing and all. Without further ado, I suppose, let's get on with the reason you're here!

This is my house, and though it doesn't look like much from outside it holds a great many stories and secrets. I mean, the roofing alone has weathered more storms than I can count, and every creak in the walls lets me know she's ready for more at any time! Despite a few updates to her paint and piping, she is still a one-hundred percent genuine antique.

Did you know that Harriet Tubman used this home as a part of the Underground Railroad? Yup, this puppy has seen its fair share of atrocities and wonders alike. Speaking of puppies, here is my dog, Daryl.

My handsome dog, Daryl.

My handsome dog, Daryl.

He's a Good Boy

My dog Daryl is what the kids these days would call, "the goodest boy."

Pardon him jumping all over you and licking, he is super friendly and doesn't bite; if you'd like him to stop just say, "Down, Daryl!"

Yeah, he really is a good boy though, and has been by my side every day for the last eight years or so. Even in the down times when we have no visitors he is chipper and keeping me from getting too down in the dumps. In fact, I'm not sure what I would do without him.

He's a rescue, ya know? They found him in squalor as a puppy when his mom gave birth to a litter, and he was the only survivor of the bunch. Apparently, the owner had passed away in the home and no one knew, and his mother survived by eating the owner's body. How disgusting, right?

Nonetheless, a good boy who survived on his wits and will alone. That's something I value in people, wits and will; seems to be those qualities are lacking in the youth today. You don't seem unwitting and lacking, though, you're very lively just like my wife!

Speaking of the Devil herself, let's head out to the backyard—or as I like to call it our private playland!

The woman I love.

The woman I love.

Our Private Playland

Hey honey, someone responded to the ad again! How lucky are we, right!? This is my wife Suzin, that's Suzin with an, "I-N."

She's a beauty ain't she? Really knows her botany and takes care of this private playland you see back here! However, to see where the magic is really at we'll need to take a little trip up into our forest. Ready? Let's go!

I'm sure at this point you can see why Harriet Tubman chose this spot as her hideaway; very off-the-beaten-path and private. It was actually Suzin's great great grandpappy's house; built it with his own hands and claimed this land for himself after returning from his trip to South America.

He learned quite a lot about flora and fauna while messing around with a pretty young botanist down there, and ended up bringing back some really cool stuff! You see those white flowers up ahead? Those are called Borrachero, and they are the big show in our private playland!

Aren't they absolutely beautiful? The yellow and white is entrancing, and I could stroll through these woods and stare at them all day. However, since we don't have all day, and I'm sure you're anxious to end the tour, I need to show you just what these babies can do.

You see this white powder? It is harvested from a chemical process using the seeds of the Borrachero. It smells delicious, here, let me blow some your way.

Don't Trust the Powder

Woah there, you're getting a bit wobbly; perhaps you should sit down for a minute, yeah? Good, very good, and could you unlock your phone for me? Thank you, oh so very much.

Now, please bring up your bank information for me. I see you use the Chase banking app... ah, yes, very good! May I have your phone, please? Here you go, Suzin, do your thing.

Before you're unable to walk let's get you down the hill to the house, we wouldn't want you waking up in the middle of the forest! You see, you're not going to remember a thing from today, and we're gonna explain it away as you suffering heat exhaustion on our hike. Please, have a seat on the couch and make yourself comfortable.

Normally this is the point in the tour where I'd say something like, "Well this is my life, and these are my things! What do you think?" as I laugh and enjoy your last few minutes of consciousness, but your eyes are rolling in the back of your head. So, good night I guess! See you when you're up!


Mr. Happy from Toronto, Canada on October 24, 2020:

I was just goofing around Amigo. More, or less.

I also do not know the rules of the game, as in what You were given to write the piece so ... : )


Kyler J Falk (author) from California on October 24, 2020:

@Mr. Happy: Yeah, this one had a lot less thought and a lot more holes in it than my original idea. Like I said to Bill, this was originally meant to be a, "Ghost Tour," that ended in the shed, but the dang page wouldn't load the shed when I went to write this so I couldn't save it. I'm not sure whether to answer your every question or if they are rhetorical, lol!

Thanks for reading!

Kyler J Falk (author) from California on October 24, 2020:

@Bushra: Good to see you, and I'm happy you enjoyed it!

Thanks for reading!

Mr. Happy from Toronto, Canada on October 24, 2020:

"My handsome dog, Daryl." - Is that your dog, or do You share the same dog with Mr. Bill? Haha!! Her name is Maggie but she does look very much alike your Daryl.

"his mother survived by eating the owner's body. How disgusting, right?" - Ya but I'd do it if I had to. You might too.

"You don't seem unwitting and lacking, though, you're very lively just like my wife!" - Well, ahmm ... have we met? I don't recall and I usually do. ; )

"She's a beauty ain't she?" I don't know 'cause You only showed me her backpack. Haha!! (I'm sure she's lovely and all the best to her!)

"take a little trip up into our forest." - You own Forests? Wow. And what do the Standing People have to say about that?

"claimed this land for himself" - Ohh, now I understand how You own Forests. Someone "claimed it for himself". Interesting. And what do the Standing People have to say about that?

"You see those white flowers up ahead?" - Haha! No, I do not. Where are they? You know, I am a very curious Being so, now what do I do? I need to see those flowers ...

Ohh, wow!! Those Borracheros are gorgeous! (Had to do a web search since You left me in the dry LOL And notice I did not say a "Google Search"? Ya, don't use Google. Use DuckDuckGo. They don;t track your searches.)

"I'm sure you're anxious to end the tour" - Actually, I was just getting warmed-up. What do You mean "end the tour"?

"You see this white powder?" - Are we talking about the Devil's Breath?

Okay, that last bit was quite interesting but I guess You got tired and needed a nap.

"So, good night I guess! See you when you're up!" lol

Zulma Burgos-Dudgeon from United Kingdom on October 24, 2020:

Hi Kyler.

By posting your stories and read our comments, you are seeing your words through others' perceptions. I get what you mean, though. You want to know it's perfect before you post.

Just keep writing, posting and taking comments on board. You will learn what works and what doesn't and become more confident with your writing.

Have a good weekend.

Anya Ali from Rabwah, Pakistan on October 23, 2020:

I really enjoyed that! Well done!

Kyler J Falk (author) from California on October 23, 2020:

@John, Zulma: I am really surprised at how well this little story was received by you all. Guess I don't feel so bad that I missed out on the shed picture anymore. Though I do wish I could see my story through the perceptions of others, because I'm stuck not knowing what I've done right nor wrong.

Thank you guys for reading my little story and your words of praise! It means a lot to me, especially when I'm being my harshest critic!

Zulma Burgos-Dudgeon from United Kingdom on October 23, 2020:

Wow, this was good.

I like the way the narrator comes off as really friendly, even when his ulterior motive is finally revealed. I thought it flowed really well. Good job.

I hope you'll be doing more stories in the future.

John Hansen from Gondwana Land on October 23, 2020:

Bravo! I felt like I was the visitor who responded to the advertisement, your first-person storytelling was so good. The ending was a total surprise which is really the icing on the cake for a good story. Well done, Kyler.

Kyler J Falk (author) from California on October 22, 2020:

Thank you so much, Shauna! I was really worried that things moved too abruptly at the end, but I'm glad they came off well. Before this I'd often considered how one writes a story in the first person while also having it flow properly, and I figured the strictly conversational approach would be the most natural.

I have to admit that I think the conversational style is really interesting, and would be a great way to work on dialogue for the opposite sex. Although, I'm pretty sure I exhausted my creative juice supply as it concerns what sort of story to tell. This is something I need to think about more often.

Thanks for reading!

Shauna L Bowling from Central Florida on October 22, 2020:

Great job, Kyler. I would never guess this was your first attempt at first person storytelling.

The twist is what got me. The story began innocently enough with the narrator showing off his pride for his wife and dog. Then - BAM! Enter Mr. Muwwahhahhaha!

I love stories with endings that slap you in the face. This one did that.

Kyler J Falk (author) from California on October 22, 2020:

Super excited to hear you enjoyed it, Bill! This was my first ever attempt at first person storytelling. Originally, with the shed picture in mind, I was going to take the reader on a tour that ended in the narrator opening the shed, disappearing into the darkness inside as he asks you to follow, and then you discovering he had hung himself. A sort of, "Ghost Tour," if you will where he explained all the occurrences on his haunted property; I think it would have played much better, but oh well.

Thank you for reading, and thank you even more for the challenge!

Bill Holland from Olympia, WA on October 22, 2020:

Diabolical, weirdly funny, and dare I say a joy to read? I happen to love this type of writing; it appeals to a weird side of me few see in person. Love the first person, love the style of "discussion;" love the whole damned thing.

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