The Thoughts of an Insomniac Monstrosity
The thought. The mind clicking, body ticking, reviling way of a thought. The thought that adapted in the midst when you sat on that lonely scratched wooden chair up in the kitchen peering at the glass tinted window with the scenic view of darkness that had not long surrendered to the light, yet i could see the thick grey clouds that were cast over the sky. The sea was tainted; no longer an abyss of black, nor did it appear blue. Instead it looked a metallic grey, glistening as the occasional spear of light pierced through the clouds and danced over the surface. The only sound you can hear is the unpleasant screeching of the kettle brewing your own fix of black coffee to comprehend the tarnishing events of last night. You conquer my mind and soul in such a rasping way that you build this atmosphere around me that only calls out for you. You can feel pressure in your shoulders of the whole world resting their predicament problems over their. Commitments made too good to be true when you can’t face that one important part of you that was locked by a pact of un-separation and when that made you create a vigorously sturdy bond, you started to realise that the most strongest bonds held together have the capacity of falling apart the most and thats when reality hits you like a truck of loaded bricks. You can still hear the voice of padding feet and those low groans that sense your ears when she can’t put her hair into a perfect messy bun. You can still feel her warmth in her embrace around you, you can feel her eyes boring into your face when she widened her deep grey irises and looked at you with resonance in her eyes like you were the most bewildering human breathing on this trivial platform of the earth. Your eyes bloodshot from the lack of sleep, your grip is harsh on the coffee mug that contains 90% of vodka to keep numbing the pain. You feel your veins pop and the mug crack as water brim in your already rheumy sunken eyes. Your hand bleeds and your chest strikes in pain collapsing on the hard and cold marble replicating your life. You can’t focus on her features, you thought about her so much that now her face is slowly evanescent in your fogged memory of her. She was the only breathing beautiful creature that deciphered a pattern in your heart beat. She read your every beat and took time to understand it. She never had the time to look at your flaws when she breathed heavily, closed her eyes and run her long fingers through my hair to calm my anger issues. The huge lying crack in the middle of our kitchen table holds the evidence of the night she never even looked back at me. Her silent sobs could be heard all the way back to the balcony as she slid her back against the door slowly with tears pooling in her eyes and her hands anxiously shaking. My mouth puffed smoke with a never ending rush of adrenaline buzzing through my blood. She promised me she’ll calm me when ill be tormenting my way through tribulation. At first she would swallow her retort and just do it, smile and move on. But that only made it worse. Then I felt empowered to micromanage every little aspect of our lives. One day I just snapped. All that rage came out faster than magma and just as destructive. It consumed all that she was, so delicate under that carefully ordered world.
I shrivelled before her but she kept on going, stopping short of physical violence but doing far more damage with my words. I didn’t mean to wind her up so much, i was just too impulsive. but I had been vengeful and mean, I had been a person she didn’t want to know anymore. Fatal soft rays of the sun peeks out on the wooden chairs as you replay all your sleepless nights. I couldn’t sleep because of the dissonant constant fear. The fear i felt with my reminiscing events of my nightmares being replayed in my head again and again like a broken tape on repeat. My heart pounds in my chest as sweat beads cover my forehead, my arms shake and figures of black cover my eyes consuming every light or happiness that a human body can feel dementing the soul of darkness and creating false hallucinations of your lungs being collapsed. You fall frozen into place, your breathing doesn’t catch up and you feel suffocated trying to reach the mere end of hope that was supposed to be your beautifying face sitting in front of me and hold me, trying to tell me, convincing me that i’m living in the reality inside her arms and her love over flowing. She was the sole person who helped me gain back my conscious when i would be gasping for air.
Today i laid down with heavy eyes, sleep deprivation and closed my eyes into a deep despairing paradox. I woke up with sensations equivalent to drowning and i couldn’t reach the surface today, i couldn’t feel those assuring arms around me anymore, even my prayers seemed unanswered at 4:37 am when you’re slowly and gradually breaking apart.
I knew you weren’t coming home.
And i wasn’t sleeping no more.
© 2018 mahnoor