The North Pole Murders
How It Began
Christmas was not going to be white this year, it had blood splatter and stains decorating it. The North Pole was the scene of a horrific murder and the culprit was the big man himself, Santa Claus. It all started about three Christmases ago when Santa’s wife discussed with her husband that she wanted children of her own. Santa had always wanted to start a family and this was like Christmas Carols to his ears. So he and Mrs. Clause set out to have a child. Santa was a little, or should I say a big romantic kind of guy. He was about to make it happen has he set the mood and the tone the very first night they were about to try. He put on some real nice carols, brought out the hot chocolate, and not to mention those tender butter cookies. He knew how to turn up the charm. That night they had a blast, Santa and his wife Margaret woke up enlightened. They did this for many nights, anticipating that Doctor Moose from the North Pole would give them some good news any day.
But somehow it seemed as though all their efforts were wasted, as all those long hot chocolate and milk nights did not produce the end result they desired. They were sad, they really wanted to start a family and Santa really wanted to please his good wife. Margaret decided to look up pregnancy and conceiving on the Pole Net to see if they were missing any steps in their nightly processes. She read that if the male reproduction fluid is low, then chances are that the woman will not get pregnant. The flip-side to that is if the female may have Ovulation problems. These problems are caused by polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). She read that it is a hormone imbalance problem which can interfere with normal ovulation. She quickly printed off what she found and rushed to her husband to show him her findings. They had been trying for years to conceive and one of these may have been the fault. So they decided to visit Doctor Moose and seek his advice. The doctor advised them that certain physical test would need to be done to determine the factor which is causing Mrs. Clause to be unable to conceive. The results came back after a few days and it showed that Santa’s swimmers were simply too low on energy and was just not strong enough to reach Mrs. Clause’s eggs.
Santa was depressed after hearing the news, but his lovely wife Margaret was there to console him. Doctor Moose gave him good advice on how to improve his count and if it was just not working. There were other methods available which could be used to get Mrs. Clause pregnant such as artificial insemination,but Mr. Clause refused such processes and strongly believed that all children should be conceived by love and not needles and dishes. So he turned it up a notch, he exercised more, he started to eat less cookies and eat more vegetables. He was training his swimmers to go all the way upstream. But as time passed, nothing changed. He was not able to make a family and his wife was unhappy. Santa saw the frustration in his wife's eyes and knew that there was nothing more he could do on his part. He fell back into deep depression and began to use the North Pole Portal at nights to go to bars to drink away his frustration. He would do this for months, the elves knew what was happening but gave him his space as Christmas was still six months away.
So on night Santa exited his bedroom and left his wife in bed sleeping. He entered the portal and went to his usual spot to have his usual drink. But the bar owner’s daughter was getting married that day and the bar had a closed sign on it. Santa was shocked to see his favorite little spot away from the Pole closed. He shook his head and simply reopened the portal and entered his room. To his shocking surprise he saw his wife in bed with Rudolph. Not Rudolph the red nosed reindeer, but a large muscular elf that lived outside of Toy Factory. Santa was shocked out of his wits. He never thought in a million years that his beautiful wife would have the thought of cheating on him much less have another creature in his bed.
Margaret began to stutter, “Nick wait, it it it, is not what you think. I just really wanted to start a family and I told Rudolph and he simply offered to help. He told me if I let him impregnate me, the baby would come as a Santa Clause because he is the closest thing to you.”
“Why you stupid, simple woman! You lay there in my bed with another creature talking nonsense in my head!” Santa was furious.
Rudolph hopped out from under the sheets. He was big in all places and quite muscular. Santa looked at him from head to toe and the anger spewed even more when Rudolph grinned at Santa and then winked at him. Santa simply snapped. His face went from white to red to blue. He ran to the bed, shoved it from its spot and pulled out a scythe. Rudolph began to laugh when he saw this round big gut man approaching him with the scythe. “What are you going to do with that old bugger. You see any corn here?”
“YES I DO!” Shouted Santa as he made a large slice from the top of Rudolph’s stupid looking head down to his gut. His Blood gushed from his body as his intestines fell out. You could see that parts of his guts were still wrapped up on the blade. Margaret screamed from the top of her lungs when she saw the horror. Santa slowly walked up to his cornered victim and began to lament.
“You, wretch, you harlot, you Jezebel. I trusted you, I gave you my love, I brought you to the North Pole. You knew my pain. You knew I was suffering inside and this is what you do to me? You make love with this animal in our matrimonial bed?
“I am sorry my love…I am”
“SHUT UP HARLOT, shut up. I am so sorry too my love, I really am.”
Santa made a quick swing from right to left and his wife's head left her neck and rolled off the bed. Her eyes were still open as her mouth gasped as though it could still take in oxygen. Santa was bloody, sick and he had reached his end. Soon a couple elves who had heard the screams from Mrs. Clause room came running but it was more than too late.
“Oh My God!” Shouted Piffy. “Santa, what have you done?”
Santa laid there beside his headless wife’s bleeding body in deep gaze. Piffy summoned a few elder elves who quickly discussed the situation. Then a cleanup team arrived and removed the dead bodies from the room. They quickly escorted Santa away to a secret chamber in the toy factory. The elves decided that Santa did what he had to do and at that time he was drunk. They placed him in a chamber where they removed all the thought of him having a wife or ever needing one again. They determined that Christmas was much more important than a cheating wife and Santa had this very important duty to perform.
Soon Santa was back to his old self again, it was Christmas time. Santa was again jolly and delivering presents to little girls and boys all over the world. Santa was given back his old life. But somehow he still had that little twitch in his eyes, as he searched for a new wife!
© 2017 Clive Williams