The Nixon Trump Interview
Nixon and Trump sat down together. This is how the event unfolded.
Nixon: “Before we get started, I must tell you, that 'as we speak' a Marine Corp lieutenant is in a firefight with the enemy in Vietnam. He is going to lose some men, and he is going to pledge to those men that he will fight for his country and the men he lost until his dying breath. That was forty-five years ago, your time. Now, the first question. To address your concerns, ‘Is the other side bugging us?’”
Trump: ‘That’s what I have been saying. The very words that I speak are reported so quickly to the press. The leaks are the problem. I brought my own staff in. My own security, I don’t need the government to protect me. I can afford my own protection.”
Nixon: You can thank the Bush administration for your leaks. The NSA records every word that every American utters. There are banks of Super Computers that run day and night recording all that is said. They don’t have to listen in. When they want something on somebody, they can isolate those people from the hum and distill their every spoken thought.”
Trump: “How is one supposed to run a country and an International corporation under such circumstances? There is confidential information to be passed through channels. I have many employees and my employees love me by the way.”
Nixon: “I was worried about how history would view me. So, as you know, I taped the conversations in the White House. I spent the last year of my Presidency defending myself against what was heard on those tapes. The people forget we are just humans trying the best we can to enrich ourselves at the expense of others. Now, I have another question. Why did you bring your family into this?”
Trump: “It is a question of loyalty. I wanted people who pledged themselves to me above all others. People that are super rich like me that never experienced want or even work for that matter. I wanted people without empathy around me. What the people of this country needs is a good dose of humility.”
Nixon adjusted the jacket of his suit.
Nixon: “Had you studied just a bit of history, you would know that many of my White House aides, went to jail for their parts in my political scandal. By the time it was over my Chief White House counsel was jailed along with the Attorney General. Even my Security Director was thrown in jail. Many careers of splendid people were ruined. Though one did become a best selling author. Are you prepared to have your children implicated and face possible imprisonment?”
Trump: “I made promises. Many promises. And it is my duty to the people who supported me, no matter what country they come from to keep those promises. This is my dynasty, my time, I am building my place in history. I can stonewall this until the fury dies down. Once I am back to my agenda to commercialize every aspect of life, me and my billionaire friends around the world will have won. Besides, I plan to sign pardons and have them on file.”
Nixon: “You will find that there are people around you, mortally wounding you. The closer the dogs snap at your heals, the more vulnerable you become to deceit and guile.”
Trump: “I have offered clemency in advance for those closest to me. They are completely loyal. Everyone of them is willing to take a spear for me.”
Nixon: “I thought that. When the noose begins to tighten people begin to question their loyalties.”
Trump: “I fired the head of the F.B.I. that should have made the snooping into my business stop. The fake press howled like I stepped on their bare toes. All the talk about the constitution is just so much blather. People without power and money are always talking about the constitution, like it was the only document that mattered. Besides my motives were not corrupt. Of course I told the people I financed my campaign. But it cost so much money. When the offer came for funds for TV time purchased from the Left Liberal Media, you think they give that time away; of course I took it. Many others also took funds from our ‘like thinking brethren’ – of course we did.”
Nixon: “Once arrested men are likely to say anything. You must be aware of that. A prison cell is a long way from the penthouse or the Hamptons.”
Trump: “Should I start asking for resignations? There is some low hanging fruit, that are doing a bad job. I can bring in fresh faces. What do you think?”
Nixon: “Many of my staff resigned, that was the least of their sacrifices and they were tried and sent to prison because of the cover up. Not the crime mind you the cover up.”
Trump: “I have hired a team of lawyers, they will begin coaching all those involved and likely brought in front of a grand jury. I don’t think any of them know enough on their own. Monies were moved quietly through back channels. Much of it spent directly from accounts at the RNC. Maybe I can keep the damages low and the prosecutors at arm's length.”
Nixon: “I floated many modified, limited versions of the truth. Once these dogs of hell are unleashed it is much easier to make a misstep or fall from grace. You might try cutting your losses. Butcher your team, throw some fresh meat to slow down the hounds.”
Trump: “Sometimes I pray I won’t wake up in the mornings.”
Nixon: “I know the feeling. You are not alone in those prayers. But we awaken and we face the music.”
Trump: “All my beautiful subterranean agenda is in jeopardy. I am caught up in all these nonsensical legalisms.”
Nixon: “You will see that in the end your deepest wounds will come from letting your friends, your government and the youth of this nation down.”
Trump: “I won. Why can’t I just enjoy my victory?”
Nixon: “One last thing. I went back to San Clemente and wore a cloak of disgrace for the rest of my life. Pat stopped talking to me. San Clemente became my mausoleum. Not even Kissinger called to see how I was doing. Before you leave the White House make sure you have a signed pardon in your breast pocket. Start negotiating that right now.”
I hope you enjoyed my parody of a fictionalized interview between two presidents.
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