Updated on March 11, 2019

A lot a times I find myself cursing. Unhappy. Because of some decisions I made some time back. Some which were to my benefit and some that hurt me like hell. At times I thought I was right choosing " my happiness "and hurting a few souls in the process. It's always been no earning without spending after all. ...

.... I was out last night. All by myself. Having some me-time. Giving my heart some room to take it easy. I had to have a conversation with my head.
.. Am not a good guy, am not a bad guy either but I just can't get what's been happening. Everything is just messed up, I try cleaning it up I just end up making a bigger mess. I have been good. I have sacrificed my all, given my all to lots of people and they all just walked away after all that. Like they didn't notice a thing. Like it was all just a fling.

I haven't tried being bad yet because I know I wouldn't put up with myself in the first place. And sometimes I just wish wishes weren't a thing, they just fill you with fake hope.....
I don't even remember the last time I was me. I don't remember the last time I took a picture of me. I don't even know if am still me anymore. Have had this voices in my head that won't let me do a thing without questioning myself...

Sometimes I'll be faking smiles and my head will just ask me, "what's wrong with you,? You know you don't like that.! "
Other times I'd try to be happy, " you know you not happy my dear. Even on your own. Stop making your heart fake smiles while it's wailing from the inside. Just stop, you giving me a headache.! "...

.. .about last night.
I was hoping to find peace with myself last night. I wanted to let go of the many things I thought were valued. I wanted to say goodbye to the people who act too important to me. I was hoping to cleanse myself from taking things a bit too personal and too close to my heart. I was hoping to unscrew that fake smile that makes people think that my life's perfect. I was hoping to find the me I have buried deep down my own self.. I was hoping to give myself a second chance . I just wanted to be the me I was.......

Because I can't keep lying to myself that someone's got my back. It's hard even trying to have a moment to yourself while you just someone else. ..
A lot of things are painful.. But no pain compares to knowing that you are the reason behind your own pain....

Questions & Answers

    © 2019 Amani Utembu


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        2 months ago

        Ur doing wel keep it up


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