Humor and Reflections on Aging
This hub is rated GA, for geriatric audiences only.
Now that I am as old as the speed limit, I have come to appreciate senior humor and quotes. I am not quite a senior yet, but since I am taking advantage of senior discounts and time is flying so fast, I thought I'd get a head start with the senior jokes. I want to laugh all the way to rocking chair.
You know you're getting old...
- Your social security number only has three digits.
- It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.
- You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
- You light the candles on your birthday cake and a group of campers form a circle & start singing "Kumbaya."
- You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.
- At parties you attend, the prime topic of choice is "regularity."
- You can live without sex but not your glasses.
- Your ears and your nose have more hair than your head.
- "You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there." - George Burns
- When you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
- When you look in the mirror one day and realize you look like the photo on your Costco card.
Old is when your doctor doesn't give you x-rays anymore but just holds you up to the light.
Old is when your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
Old is when you go to smooth the wrinkles in your hose, and you realize you're not wearing any.
My forgetter's getting better but my remember-er is broke
Often times I walk into a room, say "What am I here for?"
I wrack my brain, but all in vain a zero is my score.
At times I put something away where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from generally is me!
When shopping I may see someone, say "Hi" and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away I ask myself, "Who the heck was that?"
Yes, my forgetter's getting better while my remember-er is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy and that isn't any joke.
My forgetter's getting better but my remember-er is broke, to you that may seem funny but to me that is no joke. For when I'm "here" I'm wondering If I really should be "there," and, when I try to think it through, I haven't got a prayer!
What's For Dessert?
An elderly couple was watching television one evening. The wife said, "I am going to get a dish of ice cream now." Kindly, the husband offered to get the ice cream for his wife. "I'll write it down so you don't forget," she said.
"I won't forget," the old gent said. "But, I want chocolate syrup and nuts on it. So, I'll write it down," she replied.
"I will get you the ice cream. Don't you worry," replied the gentleman.
A few minutes later, the old man returned with bacon and eggs. His wife said, "See, I should have written it down because you forgot the toast."
Somebody Get the Door
One evening, two old men from a retirement home were sitting on the front porch of the retirement home. One man said to the other old man, "You know, Albert, if you think about it, we are not that old. I mean, my memory is still very good."
As the man said this, he knocked on the wooden chair beside him. "Actually, as sharp as ever."
After a couple minutes of silence, the first man started to talk again, "So, is anyone going to get the door, or do I have to do it?"
Dying for chocolate chip cookies
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands, and crawled downstairs.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. There, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those." she said, "They're for the funeral."
It just so happens I love AARP Magazine
- AARP The Magazine - Feel Great. Save Money. Have Fun.
AARP The Magazinethe world's largest-circulation magazine, with more than 47 million readershelps people 50+ live their most fulfilling lives.
One early evening a police car pulled up in front of Grandma Marge's house, and Grandpa Stanley got out. The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the neighborhood park and couldn't find his way home.
"Oh Stanley", said Grandma Marge. "You've been going to that park for over thirty years! How could you get lost?"
Leaning close to his wife so that the policeman couldn't hear, Grandpa Stanley whispered, "I wasn't lost. I was just too tired to walk home."
Peanuts for the preacher
A preacher visited an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sat on the couch he noticed a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. "Mind if I have a few?" he asked.
"No, not at all," the woman replied.
They chatted for an hour and as the preacher stood to leave, he realized that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl. "I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts. I really just meant to eat a few." the preacher said apologetically.
"Oh that's alright," the woman said. "Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."
Just exactly who is deaf?
A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He said to the doctor, "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things."
"Well," the doctor replied, "go home and tonight, stand about fifteen feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply, move about five feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness."
Sure enough, the husband went home and did exactly as instructed. He started off about fifteen feet from his wife in the kitchen as she was chopping some vegetables and said, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He heard no response.
He moved about five feet closer and asked again. No reply. He moved five feet closer. Still no reply.
He got fed up and moved right behind her, about an inch away, and asked again, "Honey, what's for dinner?" She replied, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Top 10 party games for people over 60
10. Musical Recliners
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
8. Hide and Go Pee
7. Simon Says Something Incoherent
6. Doc, Doc Goose
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over
4. Kick the Bucket
3. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear
2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy
1. Sag, You're It
Still on the road
A group of senior citizens were exchanging notes about their ailments:
"My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup."
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't see to pour the coffee."
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck."
"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy."
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old."
"Well, it's not all bad. We should be thankful that we can still drive!"
Jake and Bessie
Jake and Bessie found each other in their old age. He was 92, she 89. They decided to get married and they were so excited. One day the engaged couple went to a local pharmacy.
Jake ran into the owner and said, "Pardon me, sir, are you the owner of this establishment?"
"Yes I am," said the man.
"Well I was wondering if you sell heart medication here?"
"Yes sir, we do."
"And how about medication for arthritis, parkinson's and jaundice?"
"Yes, we sell those too."
"And do you also sell Geritol, Dentucream, and reading glasses?"
"Yes sir, we sell all that stuff."
"And how about wheel chairs, canes, and walkers, do you sell those too?"
"Yes sir, we sell all those things and more."
Jake said, "Good, because I am going to marry this lovely lady here and we would like to register to get our wedding gifts here.
Seventy year old Viola Peabody went to Dr. Randell, an audiologist , because she was having difficulty hearing. While the doctor checked her ears he asked her lots of questions.
"Tell me, when do you think the hearing loss began?"
"Oh, it's been bad for about a year now," said Viola.
"Does your hearing problem affect both ears or just one ear?"
"Both I think," she responded.
"Do you frequently have to ask people to repeat?"
"What was that?"
"I said do you frequently have to ask people to repeat?"
"Appears so," she giggled.
Scowling Dr. Randell continued. "Do you hear people speaking but can’t understand what is being said?"
"I didn't quite catch what you asked."
"I said do you hear people speaking but can’t understand what is being said?"
"Okay," she said, faking that she'd understood his question.
"Viola, have you had a urine test recently?"
Viola wondered why he would ask such a question when urine had nothing to do with hearing, but she answered the question. "Well, as a matter of fact I have," she said.
"What did it show?" the doctor asked.
"Well, if you must know, I had a urinary tract infection."
The doctor stood looking at her like she was stupid. "I asked if you've had a hearing test, not a urine test."
Embarrassed Viola pretended she didn't hear him.
The doctor frowned and snapped in disgust, "Get yourself a hearing test and have them send me the report."
On the way out Viola stopped in the restroom shared by the other physicians offices on the floor, then headed home. A nurse went in after her, picked up a jar and stuck her head in a door down the hall.
"Um, this is really weird, Dr. Randell. Viola Peabody left you a specimen."
Senior quotes from famous people
Senior quotes from famous people
"The excess of our youth are checks written against our age and they are payable with interest thirty years later." - Victor Hugo
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - Charles Caleb Colton
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of 80 and gradually approach age 18." - T.S. Eliot
"When grace is joined with wrinkes, it is adorable. There is an unspeakable dawn in happy old age." - Unknown Author
"The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it.". - Anne Bancroft
"When you become senile, you won't know it." -Bill Cosby
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas.' - Claude Pepper
"He's so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front." - Milton Berle
"When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick." -George Burns
"I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type. " - Bob Hope
"The really frightening thing about middle age is knowing you'll grow out of it. " Doris Day
"Old age isn't so bad when you consider the alternative. " - Maurice Chevalier
"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." - Bob Hope
In honor of grandparents
"It's funny what happens when you become a grandparent. You start to act all goofy and do things you never thought you'd do. It's terrific". ~ Mike Krzyzewski
"Surely, two of the most satisfying experiences in life must be those of being a grandchild or a grandparent." ~ Donald A. Norber
"Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy—the mother." ~ Claudette Colbert
"Grandchildren are the crowning glory of their grandparents." ~ Proverbs 17:6
Poems on Aging by Hubbers MsDora and Stephanie Henkel
- Poem: My Beauty Will Last
My Beauty Will Last intends to encourage others to see the beauty in themselves. Beautiful smiles outlasts beautiful features. Beautiful speech outlasts beautiful lips. Everyone can be beautiful.
- Getting Old Is Not Amusing - A Poem
If you find old age amusing, or even if you don't, reading this poem about getting older will make you smile. If you are younger, just remember that we all grow older one day - it could happen to you!
Books on Ageing and Grandparenting
The housewife columnist whose gently subversive humor has won her a prominent niche in American culture is commemorated in this collection of over 120 of her most popular and memorable essays.
© 2010 Lori Colbo