The Political Designer
Having confronted Congressman Wilbur about his corruption scandals at the funeral of a young mother who died from pregnancy complications, Captain Charles invited his friend Bombastic to plan a political campaign against Wilbur.
"That was a brilliant speech you gave at the funeral last night. You really scared Congressman Wilbur away. Do you know that he got involved in an accident as he was trying to elude you last night? He is now in the hospital in a critical condition?" Said Bombastic.
"He is a coward. Why didn't he stay and fight like a man? The best way to beat a thief is to use thieves like him. Are you a thief, Mr. Bombastic?"
"I am a designer! I'm one of those who rigged Brandon's election twenty years ago, and that is why Wilbur is in parliament right now because of my political design."
"You are good friends with Wilbur, is that correct?."
"I used to be, but now I'm in your camp."
"That makes you thief number four."
"Who are the first three thieves."
"The national criminal report lists Wilbur at number one; Moses at number two; and Bob at number three."
"What number are you?"
"I'm still eluding criminal reporters, but I know by the end of my political campaign I will be right next to you at number five on the list of the eleven political manipulators in our country." Said Charles.
"Then we need six more political operatives bring the number to eleven. You will not be able to win any election if you are not surrounded by convoluted politicians. I do politics for a living, so I know what I'm talking about."
"Why are you fond of using convoluted political terms?"
"That is what I do. I confuse, manipulate, exaggerate, complicate, bewilder and mystify. It works for me."
"What does that have to do with our mission of unseating congressman Wilbur?"
"Just follow my lead."
"I'm beginning to like you Mr. Bombastic! You are a true political designer, and Wilbur is now finished. What I like most about you is the fact that you are the shrewdest politician I have been around. It seems as though all you do is undermine, blackmail, sabotage, damage and hurt people's reputation. And I like that! So, where do we go from here?"
"We need six more election riggers, thieves or manipulators--however you want to call them. We shall interview them, and if they all come up with similar answers, then we shall know that they have the necessary manipulating experience you are asking for."
"Get on the phone and call them now. How long will it take for them to get here for an interview?"
"Not long. Before you know it, they will be knocking."
"Let me do some chores in the house; stay in the living room and set the interview questions."
While Bombastic was still developing the interview guide, there was a knock on the door. When he opened the door, Adam, Ben, Daniel, Ethan, Jacob and Rebecca entered.
"Nice meeting you lady and gentlemen. How did you arrive here so quickly?" asked Bombastic.
"Your face book message!" All six replied at the same time.
"You are really identical opportunists. How do you arrive together and give similar answers?"
Again all chorused the answer: "Your face book message said you needed identical thieves."
Bombastic looked confused by the way the six answered questions in unison.
"Technology has really revolutionize our politics! Everybody take a seat. Here is the deal: Captain Charles needs six canning politicians who are going to run his political campaign against Wilbur. Before I call Charles in, I would like to leak interview questions and answers to you so that your answers and questions are identical. But there is a fee you will pay me. I will take forty-five percent of the money Captain Charles is going to give you today."
"Excellent idea!" said Adam.
"No! That is such a dumb idea. Forty-five percent is a lot of money." said Jacob.
"What if he finds out that we cheated on our interview?" asked Rebecca
"Leave that to me. I am a political designer. After all, you need to prove that you are identical thieves in order to qualify for this job." Said Bombastic.
"Let's not waste time. What are the questions?" Asked Ben.
"Here are the five questions: Have you ever rigged an election? Who is your enemy number one? Why is politics a dirty game? What dirty tricks do you have that will help you rig an election ? Is it true that the best politician is the most confused one?"
"Where are the answers?" Asked Ethan.
"Each of us should come up with his or her own answers." said Daniel.
"No. Charles needs six identical opportunists, so the answers also have to be identical. Here are the answers: Yes, I have ever rigged an election; I rigged Brandon's election; my enemy number one is Wilbur; politics is a dirty game because one has to use dirty tricks to blackmail his or her opponent; the dirty tricks for rigging elections include ballot stuffing, intimidation, voter bribing, ballot box tampering etc; some people say so but it has not been proven psychologically."said Bombastic.
"That was easy!" said Rebecca.
"Start rehearsing before Charles comes to interview you. I will be right back." Bombastic went into the room where Charles was and the six remained in the living room rehearsing. After a few minutes, Bombastic returned with Charles.
"Nice to meet you lady and gentlemen." said Charles.
"Nice to meet you Captain Charles." All chorus the response.
"Bombastic briefed me about your experience at what we are about to embark on. If you have never done this or are not good at this I will not keep you here. So, let's get started with our questions. This is a group interview, and whoever answers the most questions correctly will get good money. Are we together?"
"We are ready, Captain Charles." All go through the entire interview answering questions in unison.
"Okay. Have you ever rigged an election?"
"Yes, I have ever rigged an election."
"Who is your enemy number one?"
"My enemy number one is Wilbur."
"Why is politics a dirty game?"
"Politics is a dirty game because you have to use dirty tricks to blackmail your opponent."
"What dirty tricks of rigging an election are you familiar with?"
"The dirty tricks for rigging elections I'm familiar with include ballot stuffing, intimidation, voter bribing, ballot box tampering etc."
"Is it true that the best politician is the most confused one?"
"Some people say so but it has not been proven psychologically."
"Did you guys rig this interview, how come you are answering all questions correctly together?"
They all kept quiet.
"Mr. Bombastic, did you leak this interview to these people? Why is it that these interviewees are answering the questions correctly together?"
"You asked me to find you six identical electoral thieves and that is what I did. Let me correct myself: these are not thieves; they are agents of opportunity. With their support, you have an opportunity to win the forthcoming election."
"Lady and gentlemen, while I was in my office, I received bad news and I need your advice."
"What is it Captain Charles?" Asked Bombastic.
"Wilbur has connived with my army bosses and have blocked my retirement. That means I have to wait for five more years to run for his congressional seat. So, what do I do now?"
"So, you gentlemen brought us here to waste our time when you knew that the deal was dead?" Asked Daniel.
"There is no cause for alarm. I will design something for Captain Charles. We need someone who will be holding the seat for him until five years when he can come and stand unopposed. By that time we will have destroyed Congressman Wilbur's reputation."
"But where do you find a person ready to hold a seat for someone for five years." asked Adam.
"Professor Dan." replied Bombastic.
"That is my brother, I can't undermine him!" Said Charles
"What I'm saying is that don't lie to him, just don't tell him the truth, and don't give him all the tricks of winning the election. You don't want his name to be more popular than yours. The idea is that since he has a good personality, many people will gravitate toward him. Your job is to make sure that the electorates know that you are the one who fielded him and that every good thing he is doing is doing it because of you. That way, he will lose the election to Wilbur, and you will come back in five years and sweep your opponents."
"He is a professor and he teaches political science, so he is knowledgeable about winning an election."
"Professors don't make good politicians. You know that! I told you, I'm a political designer."
"I'm tired of your designer crap. I want to know where we go from here." Said Jacob.
"Professor Dan's house is a stone-throw away from here. Let Mr. Bombastic send him a text message and tell him to come over." Said Charles. Then Bombastic sent Dan a text message, and in a few minutes, Dan had arrived.
"Is everything okay my brothers and sister?" Dan asked.
"Everything is fine my brother. It is only that Wilbur has undermined my ability to run for his congressional seat. The army has now rescinded my retirement."
"That is sad. I always knew Wilbur was a shrewd politician. Nonetheless, five years is not far, you can run then. Any way, let me go back to work, we shall talk later."
"Wait, Professor Dan. We have a special request for you." said Bombastic.
"What is that?"
"We are requesting that you replace Charles and stand against Wilbur in the forthcoming congressional elections."
"No way, no how. Politics is a dirty game and it requires a lot of money!"
"It wont require a lot of money, and besides, we will support you in any way we can." said Charles.
"You guys are out of your minds. This will mean that I will have to quit my job; you know that getting a civil service job in this country is not easy. I have to go. I will talk to you later." Dan left.
"That was our only hope. Now we are finished. There is not another credible person in our district who can defeat the incumbent congressman." Said Ethan
"I'm the designer. We shall convince him, and he will have to resign his job to stand against Wilbur."
"Isn't it unfair to him to convince him to resign from his job and yet your goal is not to let him win the election?" asked Jacob.
"Who cares? All we care about now is to get Charles to parliament by all means necessary."
"But how are you going to stop Professor Dan's name from becoming popular?" asked Ethan.
"We are going to handicap him by encouraging him to sell every property he has so that he can use the little money he has for politics. Once the money is finished, we shall play him politics by making sure that we don't raise anymore funds for him. That will make it impossible for him to fulfill his pledges. Then I will come in five years and fulfill all the pledges he made and that way people will know that I am a performer and they will vote for me." said Charles.
"You sound somewhat like the incumbent congressman you are trying to unseat. So if you are behaving like him, why don't we let him continue representing us?"Asked Adam.
"I just received a text message from Professor Dan, he has accepted to resign his job at Funga University. That is good news for Charles in five years." Said Bombastic.
"That is the good news I have received all year! Now let's get down to business. In a few days I will call all of you back in a meeting with Professor Dan. I need you to look forward to that meeting. In the mean time, I have given your money to Mr. Bombastic. I have to get going."
"How much did you give him, because we don't trust that designer with our money."
"Your money is safe with me. After I have taken my forty-five percent off,you will receive your balance." said Bombastic.
"That is what I am talking about.That designer is complicated." Said Rebecca.
"Why don't you call a spade by its real name. He is thief number four on the national criminal report list. Good luck with him, lady and gentlemen." Said Charles.