I have been writing poetry, fiction and short stories for many years and have completed a book of poems. I also enjoy comedy writing.
I stood there with my cup of coffee, half dizzy, half hungry and fully wasted. I and my friend Smith and Wesson had just came back from a wild party. Well, more like an insane party. Liquor was pouring, the beats were sick and the women were sleazy. Just the kind of party I liked. I was a party manic that night. I danced with just about anything that looked like it was moving. I left the party at 1:30 Am. I was as drunk as a president launching a nuclear missile. As I began to walk to my car, something evil came over me, I decided that tonight was gonna be a carmageddon night. I took out a piece of paper and pen to record how many bodies I could hit that night.
I sped off in my drunken state and immediately swerved off the road, crashed into a garbage can, then smashed into a skit. Luckily, the skit was not hurt. I came out of the crashed car wobbling and dizzy. I grabbed my paper and pen to record my road kill, but it was just false alarm. “This stooopid car I thought. Can’t e,e,e, even hit down a pedestrian.” I dashed the keys on the floor, walked away from the accident and decided to foot it home. I saw this old woman walking along the same stretch of road that I was. She had a walking cane, a large bag over her shoulder and was moving as fast as molasses trying to run up a hill. “Hey old woman! old woman! Hey, old woman! Are you deaf lady? Don’t you hear me calling you?" I managed to caught up with her, tapped her on the shoulder and she suddenly turned around. She hissed at me, green light flashed from her eyes and she made a swipe at my face as I backed off and fell to the ground whimpering like two dogs stuck mating. I closed my eyes, placed my hands over my face cornered on the floor while Grandma Monster advanced at me hissing. I thought this was it, I was gonna be killed by an old monster with a walking cane. But I simply couldn't afford to die like that, I simply cannot afford to be killed this way. I managed to fester up a few drunken courage, talked to me feet and they did the action and bolted off. I don't know how I did it, but I found routes to my home I did not know existed.
Back At Home
As I bolted through my front door, I stumbled on the steps and fell and got sucker punched by the door knob. I don't know what it was, but I was definitely having a bad day. I wonder if it was because I took my neighbors black cat and forced her to learn to bark instead of giving a meow? I dragged myself upstairs to the bathroom to try and sooth my aching body with a long warm bath. As I began undressing, I tucked my hand in my pants pocket and came out with a golden business card. It read, "Say 666 at 3:00 AM" I thought to myself, "What the hell happened last night? Who was I with? Which Planet was I on? I then thought that it must have been a joke someone was playing on me by slipping this stupid card in my pocket. And what the heck would happen if I did say 666 at 3: am anyway? Curiosity simply got the best of me. I couldn't put away the stupid card. I just had to do it. So I took up the card, headed to the living room, stood in front the mirror and looked at the clock. It was 2:50 am.
I stood there looking at my raggedy self in the mirror, counting down the six hundred seconds in my mind. As the clock struck 3: am, I spoke the words, 6 6 6 6. I looked around to see if darkness had engulfed the land and a platoon of high ranking demons had burst open a portal and began sucking up the souls of the politicians. Mmmmm, I thought, maybe sucking up souls of politicians by demons was not really a bad thing. As I threw the card down to the floor and began to walk away from the mirror. I suddenly heard a loud howl as the mirror cracked in the middle from top to bottom. I began stepping back from the cracked mirror, stumbled and fell. The split in the mirror suddenly opened up as though the glass was molten and being formed. I was screaming like a little girl after seeing this, but all my screams seemed as though they were suppressed as no neighbor came to my rescue. Well, all the neighbors did hate me and I screaming for help would be like heaven to them.
Arrival of The Devil
As I laid there peeing my pants, I saw a large red hand appear through the crack in the mirror. At this time I was frozen with fear. Everything began to flash through my mind, I was gonna be killed by the devil, I should have had my ex-wife here to let her share this special moment. Soon, the demon came fully through the mirror. I was terrified, frightened, scared, dumbstruck, shocked, and just about any other word possible to describe my 'whimpyness.' Then to my surprise the demon said, "You called Sir?" "I, I, I what?" "Did you call sir? I could have sworn I heard a voice shouting in my portal at 3: AM, 6 6 6. Was it you?" I didn't know if I was to laugh or run away as I had no clue demons had British accents. I stood up, gathered back some testosterone and replied to the red Devil. "Yes I called."
"And what may this Devil do for you today?"
"Wait, you are going to do my bidding? Why?"
"Well, the laws of hell states that any human who stands in front of a mahogany framed mirror and call 666 at 3:am and a demon is summoned, can command that demon to do his bidding until the sun rises."
"Whoo hoo.I have hit the jackpot baby! The first thing I want is everlasting life, then I want all the bitches and riches of the world, then I want....." "Hold your horses Jack. I never told you I was a Genie granting wishes. I am a demon that you can command."
"So what the heck are you good for anyway if you can't grant wishes?"
"I can steal things easily and I am good at playing tricks on people."
"You must be one of those demons Satan is just glad to see leave hell huh?" Oh well, since you are here I might as well use you up. I want you to go to the bank and steal a million dollars for me."
“I am sorry, but I can only snatch wallets and watches."
"Oh My God...you are a waste of demon flesh. If i wanted watches and wallets I would have been doing that myself."
"Okay, so how about a game of checkers?"
"LUCIFER! Get you stupid ass demon out of my home so I can go get some sleep. Stupid ass demon with stupid ass powers. My God! Remind me never to say 666 at 3:AM again.
Satan Got Angry
I sent back the dumb demon through the portal and decided to just hit the sack and sleep off all the crap that happened to me last night up till 3:am this morning. As the sheep began circling my head I heard a loud Boom and jumped up and saw a huge figure manifest from the same mirror.
"Now what is it this time? I am not a small time crook and the next demon that appears and is only able to take coins from wishing wells can go straight to hell."
"INFIDEL human." I heard a thunderous call and looked up and saw a beautiful being, hair flowing through the wind and beautiful golden skin.
"I am Lucifer. Lord of Hell and Earth. You have disgraced my servant whom you summoned and have caused me great embarrassment in hell. For this I have personally come to take you home."
"Hey, am sorry but your demon wasn't worth Jack Shit. What kind of Demon can only snatch wallets and watches anyway?"
"SILENCE you God lover! You faith is sealed and your soul is mine."
"Err, I am sorry Mr. Luci. But I like it quite fine here. Tell you what, come back when the sun is up and we can discuss hell."
As I stuffed my face back into my pillow, I suddenly felt the room temperature change. I lifted my head and looked around and saw my bed deep in a lava flowing cave with thousands of screaming souls burning on stakes. I was mad, really mad because I was in hell surrounded by fire and never got a chance to bring marsh-mellows.Satan then placed his hands on my shoulder and said, "Come now, this is your new home. This is your new eternity. This is what you get when you say 666 at 3:am and embarrass the devil.
© 2018 Clive Williams