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No More Sunrise


I never fully appreciated the sunrise. In fact, somewhere deep in me, I think I hated it. Having the sun rising over the hills meant that a new day was beginning and for a long time, that was the last thing I needed.

Things just gets overwhelming, and I don’t know how to make it stop. Everything feels so intense and empty the next and it never lets up. Another day passing means another day of suffering and I think I deserve better than this.

I think I deserve better than this.

I deserve better than this.

I deserve better than having to put on a façade every time I meet someone because I’m scared of their judgement. I deserve better than tearing myself apart night after night for having succumb to people’s words. I deserve better than having people keeping me around just for their own benefits. I deserve better than to keep going through life when it is hell. I want everything to just stop, but it can never happen for as long as the sun keeps rising.

And that’s why I hate it.

But now, sitting atop of the hill, I realised how beautiful it all really was. The golden rays spilling over the asphalt and lighting up the street. The birds chirping in a harmonious melody, signifying a new day, a new beginning. Sounds of window shades winding up, doors opening, cars starting up all becomes a part of the peace and tranquillity the morning brings. It’s really quite a shame that I won’t be able to experience another day like this.

I know life can be good, great even, especially after the day I had. But I’m still exhausted, tired of it all. The good days are just not enough to compensate the bad ones, and I don’t want to live day after day hoping for good times only to have it happen sporadically. Trust me, I know this is an extremely selfish thing to think about because by simply having a chance to live life is a blessing and it’s a good thing.

But like as the saying goes, all good things must come to an end, right?

© 2021 Alison Lian