Have you been through the most difficult part in your life? Have you ever witnessed a traumatic event that you will never forget with just a blink of an eye? Have you ever been hurt by someone who has a significant part of your life? Have you gone through pain and grief with people you care about and don't want to lose? Or I may ask, have you ever been on the verge of death?
I believe we all have our own story of suffering. We've been through a lot of struggles and traumas in life that we never want to see it happen again. It is within ourselves that we must face all of life's storms. Someone told me "It's not the pain that the person inflicted hurts you, it's all about the person you've trusted who made you suffer", and it made me realize everything.
It all happened in a dark and unforgettable night of terror, a night I wished it was all a nightmare. I came home from school with a sweet smile on my face. I was about to walk through the door when I suddenly heard a loud noise that made my heart race. I was nervous because I heard someone fighting and crying. I hurriedly opened the door and I saw my mother beg in front of him. He grabbed a piece of a block and was about to slam it into my mother's head. I yelled so loud in an attempt to stop him but I failed. He slapped me so hard and threw the piece of block on the floor. I expected him to come out after causing us pain, but I was mistaken, he turned his point in my direction and slowly stepped closer to me. I was perplexed and didn't know what to do. He approaches me and examines my entire face. I couldn't help but feel threatened by him. As he stared into my eyes, I could feel his grip on my hand tightening. His eyes were pleading, wanting to be free of pain and fury. Those red eyes, eyes covered in sorrow glared at me. Those sweet smiles I loved to watch before turned like a demon smiles. Everything about him changed and he no longer appeared to be a human. I came to my senses when he held my hand so tight that I couldn't get away from him, so I cried out in agony, desperate to be free of his grip on me. He strangled me and I did nothing but to cry and beg for him. In my peripheral vision, I saw my mother crying, welding weakly and in pain. I couldn't stop crying because I know no one could help us in this mess. By God's grace, he let me go and he turned away. I breathed a sigh of relief when I heard his footsteps leaving our house. I rushed over to my mother and hugged her tightly. I couldn't take my eyes off to the woman I loved as she sobbed in agony. It's difficult to imagine that the person closest to you will destroy everything in your family. I thought the pain and suffering would end that night but I was wrong.
In the middle of the night, we suddenly heard a knock on the door and someone's shouted, someone had gone insane and was smashing bottles of alcoholic drinks. Even though I was afraid, I forcibly calmed down and was about to opened the door to find out who it was. I heard someone's voice near our door. It sounds familiar and I already figured out who it was. I knew him very well, so I quickly locked the door so he wouldn't come in but suddenly I heard him sing. I was momentarily startled by his voice and couldn't stop my tears from falling. This was our favorite song. The song we sang back then. A song from good old memories that is full of joy and love and will never be forgotten. He brings me back to the happy memories of yesterday. Memories that are still sealed in my heart and mind and will never be erased by anything. When I wiped my tears and said "Thanks God he's back", my heart trembled and I was relieved at the same time. I could feel his love and how he've missed me. And it was at this moment that I experienced the true happiness that I had been searching and longing for so long. I can't stop myself from pleading for the love he never made us feel again. The love I always seek for no one can match his love. The love that only he can provide. I can't deny that I really missed him. I want to hug him tightly and feel his arms wrap around me in the way he wants to hug me. I want to feel again the love that had once gone. I'm trying to get the word out of my mouth that I love him and I can't afford to lose him. I slowly open the door and look straight in his direction. But I was shocked by what I saw. I saw his demonic smile, that happy voice when he sang our favorite song, suddenly turned into a death song in my ears. His laughter grew louder when he suddenly pulled a knife out of his pocket. I screamed and ran as fast as I could back to our room. I saw my mother and siblings were awake and ready to leave. We didn't lose the chance and immediately escaped so that he could not caught us. We were running barefoot and didn't know where to go. My mother carried my younger brother. My limbs were shaking, I couldn't understand what had happened, all I knew was to run away from him. When we were in the middle of the race, my brother suddenly tripped his feet so we stopped. Unconsciously, I immediately picked him up but it was too late when I turned my back. He was already in front of me as he held my hands and my brothers. We can't get rid of him and we failed to escape.
We returned home and there happened all the greed he did. I saw how he strangled my brother, how he threw and smashed objects with his own hands, how he beat us over and over and all we could do was to cry and cry. I could also feel the pain as he wrapped the blanket and twisted it around my neck so that I cannot breathe until I fell down on the floor. There I witnessed all his evil deeds. He becomes aggressive and doesn't seem like the person I used to know before. The person who's willing to do anything for us, willing to give his life for the one he loves and willing to risk his own life. Now, he becomes different, he himself brings us to the fire of death. My spirit awoke when he suddenly shouted and said "Where's your God huh? Show him to me now! Or else all of you will die!". I was really shocked and disappointed to hear those words from him. My heart literally shattered. He's no longer the person we loved. It was really hard to accept that someone who played a big role in your life could suddenly turned into a demon and ruined everything. It's like I'm living in hell. I don't know what my life is like, what future awaits us. I feel like we're waiting for our time to die. We're just living in this world to feel pain, to suffer from everything and to feel numb even if it hurts from within. I suffer in the all-encompassing darkness and endure the soul aching for so long. I feel completely isolated and so utterly devoid of hope that even the idea of dying crosses my mind, the hard-wired aversion to harm breaks down, it ceases to be something to avoid but it was something I longed for.
I stopped in my tracks when my mother approached me and said "Let's go! Hurry up!". I suddenly woke up to reality. I grabbed my brother and took the rosary from the table. We run as fast as possible without feeling the pain he inflicted. Despite our exhaustion, we were forced to escape to save ourselves. We pray to the Lord to guide us in what to do and help us survive for the second time. I could no longer feel the pain for what happened to us, I could forget everything but I couldn't forget the person who brought us to this brink of death. I am full of anger and hatred because someone I trusted has ruined our life. But in spite of everything, God did not disappoint us. Fortunately, we arrived safely in the neighborhood. We hid there and stayed for a while. The memories of that night will never fade from my heart and mind. As a matter of fact thinking about it, I can say that I absolutely know I have not processed any of it fully but God helped me survive that agonizing night. I am able to release many emotions, ask questions that I'll never know the answers to but it still releases a lot of pain, guilt, sorrow and grief that is trapped in my head.
One thing I'm sure of is that, my father made us all be afflicted by those pain and grief. He was the one who ruined our lives. The situation we had is difficult especially when you're against with the person you love. I want to be angry with him and hate him so bad but I can't because he's my father. Despite the fact that he had repeatedly hurt us, our love for him never fades. The person I adore, the person I consider as a hero and the person I am proud of was no longer the father I had once loved. In the end, we survived on the verge of death, the death we once fought against.