We got lucky this time because the saucer was one of the aluminum pie pans I stake in the garden to discourage small wild things from the premises. They are shiny and moving, and that combination is the basic building block of all cat problems. The cats were against the pie pans from the outset, but they don’t eat vegetables so I suspect their lack of care arises at least partly from ego-centrism. I won't type "selfish" because they are watching me now and read at least some English.
I did have serious and unaddressed questions about how the pie pan untied itself from the yarn that was tied to the pole that staked the pie pans into the earth until I took a good look at my stakes and saw that I had created a cat toy.
I have told Husband that if those plants in the garden were growing tuna fish, my flying pie pans would get a lot more respect.
Circling Behavior in Terrestrial Cats
We let the cats keep the mysteriously liberated pie pan behind the chicken pen expansion because what interests cats keeps cats busy. Husband alleged that he could use a lot less cat assistance when he was building onto the chicken pen.
He further alleged that until the mind control started, it had been the preternaturally sharp attention the cats paid to the chickens during times during the building when the enclosure was partially compromised that had bothered him most. Back then we had bought an electric staple gun so he could move faster while building.
Methods of Cat Mind Control
Kitties in Contacts
"When Artie looks at me sometimes her eyes go all black, and it scares me. It's just mostly when I am holding raw meat, but it still doesn't seem right. She looks like she has those Halloween contact lenses in. Her whole eye turns black."
"Kitties don't wear contact lenses, though," I noted, wondering to myself why he would waste worry time on a cat with eyes that might be a bit scary but are at least normal for a cat while we have this glowing eye mystery right at hand. I tell him to pace himself, but he just doesn't listen where the animals are concerned.
Making Reports, Downloading Data
“When her eyes are beaming out green light like that, she is filming us,” my husband said.
"When she's gone for two or three days, she is with the aliens giving her reports and downloading all the data from her collection instruments. She does it just like you upload YouTube videos. I love her, but the green lights show she is an alien," my husband said.
"It's what they may be reporting that bothers me," Husband said, "Whatever could we know that superior beings don't?"
He promised to try not to worry unless the cats started bringing aliens home to roost.
The cats are being influenced by Chicken Thinking,” my husband said, “I don’t know what to do about it. I also don't know if the Chickens are in on the green eye light Hoax.”
"I am not sure it is a hoax, though," I said.
"The dogs are completely corrupted," Husband said. "They lie like dogs and every other thought they have, some cat put in their heads."
"Keep your voice down," I said. "You don't have any evidence. Don't cause trouble with the dogs so close to next week's kitchen floor inter-species conference. The dogs are the only faction left that still votes with us.
"Keep the peace for now. After the conference, November comes and the electric blanket goes on the bed." I remind him because the electric blanket is one of our few remaining sources of power over the increasingly contentious cats.
Cats, you see, cannot read a calendar nor anticipate the seasons, so fall and winter eternally startle them. I turn the electric blanket on and collect up each kitty and place it on the bed as soon as it gets warm. Kitties turn instantaneously tame and dreamy, like people do on heavy doses of Xanax.
We Love Kitties!
My husband said, "We love these kitties. What can we do with this information? How will it make us happier or healthier?"
Husband is a great health enthusiast. I won't remind him, but our move to the country to grow more of what we eat, and reduce our stress was initially his idea. I think some days that I like it even better than he does, mainly because of our cats' activities' impact on Husband.
"Why don't we pretend we don't see it?" I asked one day, "Like we did last time we saw your brother out with that woman."
"I don't know what you mean, dear." Husband said.
Alien and Native Cats Choose Us
We didn't always have this gang of kitties. When we moved here we brought only one cat and our two Miniature Schnauzer dogs, Grace and George. The rest of the gang one by one has found us and chose to live here with us. My husband claims they are sent from above.
Each time Arthur kills a mouse, I agree. Mousing used to be my chore, and I sure hated it. Arthur doesn't mind at all.
Arthur came to us one night while Husband was cleaning fish on the porch. Arthur somehow knew right where he was--home. Arthur immediately ran to the pile of fish and all one half-pound of Arthur fuzzed up and began hissing at my husband to scare Husband off while Arthur stole enough fish carcasses for five cats. The fish were all bigger than him, so he bit them and dragged them along between his front legs like a proper panther.
The Truth is Out There
As She Grew
Cat Claiming and Bragging
Early days, we decided we better not make any claims about our cats. The old cat who moved here with us was a Manx named Bob. That's all we do know. I remind Husband that these others are just cats as far as we know. Husband says alien cats can be born on other planets and then brought here, making them alien in origin and breeding. They can also be born here, making them alien in origin only. I don't know how he knows the things he knows.
Determine Where Your Cat is From
For each question, choose the best answer. The answer key is below.
- My kitty minds very well.
- False, possibly a native bred kitty.
- My kitty looks over my shoulder at things I cannot see.
- My kitty runs our house, bossing us all around.
- My kitty tattles on other cats.
- Sometimes my kitty scares me.
- My kitty's eye sometimes beam out green light.
- My kitty may suffer from Chicken Thinking.
Interpreting Your Score
If you got between 0 and 2 correct answers: Hide from your kitties, quick!
If you got between 3 and 4 correct answers: Probably pretty alien in origin.
If you got 5 correct answers: Definitely alien in origin and possibly breeding as well.
If you got 6 correct answers: Alien in origin and probably in breeding as well.
If you got 7 correct answers: Alien in origin and breeding.
Signs of Alienation in Cats, Kitties, and Felines
Probably an Alien
Likely an Alien
Defintiely an Alien
Likes fish in a can
Loves fish in a can
Will fight you for fish of any kind
Demonstrates otherworldly behavior occasionally
Behaves as if s/he is not from around here sometimes
Wakes up in a new world everyday
Occasionally looks at things you don't see
Sees things you don't sometimes
Carries on whole life in invisible world