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My Weird Friend

I have been holding back on how I feel , how have always felt. Have been lying to myself that it's okay to be alone...
." nobody is gonna hurt you if stay alone"...
... And it kinda almost work. ..
.. So I made the mirror my best friend. Because I thought it wouldn't lie to me. And even if it did, it would be to my face. Not behind my back. It wouldn't tell out things I have done to the world.. It would just be me and my mirror against the world.

.. I stood in front the mirror yesterday with my fake smile on, broad like a car windscreen . I didn't like what I was looking at. The mirror just starred back at me looking like I wasn't it's friend no more. I saw a different mirror . A mirror that was lying to me .
What I saw was just an image of a person I used to know. A person wailing from the inside. A person fighting demons in a fight he couldn't win...
.. I saw a soul desperate to find someone to just talk to. I saw a person holding dying roses with no one to hand them to. I saw a shadow that wanted to be alive again..... I saw a broken me lying to myself that it's all fine. I saw a me that was saying " the mirror is just playing with you"..
....
I walked past the mirror this morning. Trying to be jovial at the sight of the sunrise. I felt confused, I wanted to be happy but I couldn't . The shadow in the mirror was gloomy. Gave me the look that my grandma always give me whenever am talking to her with my headphones on.... .
"you are sick my friend! " I thought it said.
... ....
.. Am having doubts on whether having thus mirror for a best friend was the right thing. The only friend in this case.... Why did I even have to buy such a big one.!..

.. I honestly thought it should show me the things I wanted to see, instead it shows me the monster am hiding inside me. The demons am trying so hard to get rid off.
All I get is depression whenever I walk past it of late. Am regretting having bought such a big mirror in the first place.
...
At times I think am over thinking, but it's all true. I Have been living a lie. I have been hurting myself by not letting people in.
.. The hurt is so strong. Pains more than having your heart broken... Pains more than having your heart being ripped off......
..... The pain's just too much... Knowing you the reason you actually crying feels like you 'be been trying to kill yourself over and over but it hasn't worked yet...
... ....
...
"That mirror isn't my friend no more. That shadow behind it is not me. It can't be... It's just a mirror after all.! " .... This mirror is confusing me. At one point I think am actually right, and then it proves me wrong. When I think it's wrong, it just proves to me that it's right. I think it's grown tired to lying to me. It's tired of living covering for me...
It just can't take it.

.. This mirror is my friend . It's telling me the truth have been running away from. .
.. This mirror is guiding me....
... It's not an ordinary mirror.

© 2019 Amani Utembu