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The letters i wrote to her, all came back without replies and the postcards all went missing. I kept waiting for her to return one day and see that I am still there where she left me. But she doesn't. She just vanished as if she were never here with me. It has been a long time but I didn't lose the count, it has been four years and thirteen days. I wish I could go back in time and change it all. When I had let her go, when I left her hand and she looked at it with her eyes that held a brief moment of hurt and sadness but she had learnt how to cover it up. I didn't stop her. I made her take the decision. Even when my heart said that stop her, tell her, i didn't. I made a mistake. Those eyes, that grief of two seconds, that hurt feeling, stabbed my heart. I can still feel the pain inside. I call her but there is no response. She just disappeared completely. I have been looking for her for so long. If I am ever able to see her again, I will just run to her and hold her close and let the tears all flow out of my eyes and tell her that she meant to me so much..
tell them when they are with you..that what they are to you.
I left him because I needed to. A part of me wanted him to stop me from going. But the time had changed me so much that even if he did, I wouldn't have had. We all should leave when we know that if we won't than we will hurt others. I received his letters and postcards. I read a few of them. But I just locked them up in a drawer. I could have thrown them in the bin or burn them with fire but I didn't. That needed much more courage. I lacked that. They were a source of a connection that didn't exist but i felt it. It somehow kept me living the way i was. Far from him. I still have him in my heart but now it doesn't bother me. I pray for him but I cannot go back to him. Life has changed. And the yearnings too.
Just leave when you know you can be toxic, just set yourself and others free.
© 2021 Osman Ghazi