A Word of Introduction
Hello everyone, I have a brief introduction. I am now exercising at the YMCA care of my insurance company. I'm loving the rowing, bicycling, walking, and strength training. But last week my friend Terri and I tried a core exercise class and it was pretty hard on our bodies. We hurt for a few days but weren't too worried. We went back yesterday and we nearly died.
I am also eating healthier. Follow along as I read these letters from my body as it responds to all this new lifestyle.
Letter to Lori From Her Body
We need to talk. In case you've forgotten, we have been intimately acquainted for the last sixty-two years, six months, fifteen days, seven hours, twelve minutes, and sixteen seconds. I hardly know where you begin and I end. More to the point, what has gotten into you?
I thought it was great when your insurance company paid for a membership to the YMCA. Exercise is so good for me. Your brain has appreciated it the most, but I'll let him speak for himself. He'll be sending you a letter also.
I have enjoyed the rowing, riding the bicycle, the rope pulling, walking the track, the various types of equipment that strengthen your muscles (who will also be writing to you). I don't mind a little sweat. I don't mind the temporary speeding up of our heart. It's nice to have the old blood pumping. All was going along just fine, until last Thursday. You crossed a line joining that core class with Terri. Lori, remember I just reminded you we are sixty-two years old. The Y mislead you into thinking the core class was exercise. Honey, that's a contortion class. I'm not built to stretch and bend and twist for half an hour with that hideous hip hop music blaring from the boom box and taking orders from that sassy little size two instructor with the bobbing ponytail. I have no desire to be a circus performer or a freak show contortionist. Today was the worst. I may not recover. I'm giving you an ultimatum, drop out or I'll drop you.
And another thing, what's with the "healthier eating" kick? Non-dairy pepper jack cheese? Do you think I'm some kind of a moron and don't know the difference? Don't be schmo and fall for the misleading label. I mean for Pete's sake. If it ain't dairy, it ain't cheese. And don't correct my grammar. Just because you're a writer doesn't mean I have to be all hoity-toity in the language department.
Then there are all those greens and superfoods you've been eating. Don't be wooed by all the statistics about fiber, natural vitamins, and minerals, and antioxidants. Let's go back to eating pizza at Costco and then head for the nutrition section and stock up on vitamins and supplements. I know it's more expensive than eating fresh vegetables but it's a better investment, trust me. Remember also that you always order the combo slices of pizza which has tomato in the sauce, and is adorned with green peppers, olives and onions -VEGETABLES - and a little protein from the pepperoni and cheese - real cheese. If you are so hell-bent on eating green foods, why don't you just start putting green dye in the Kraft Macaroni and Cheese you like so much. Think of it, St. Patrick's day all year round. You have Irish blood so it fits nicely.
Yet another thing, maybe we can cut a deal. Once a month, let's have a cheat day. We'll pull out all the stops. Bacon, green egg, and cheese (real dairy cheese) biscuits for breakfast, Costco combo pizza or subway sandwiches for lunch, and green Kraft Macaroni or three cheese lasagne for dinner. For dessert, mint chip ice cream (to satisfy your green food fetish). After the cheat day, you can go back to your health kick.
One last thing, I searched your brain this afternoon after that contortion class looking for your common sense. Took me forever to find it, but there was a note on the door saying temporarily closed - out to lunch. Lunch my foot: salmon salad sandwich with phony mayo, no cheese, and orange and apple slices. Fruit is okay in moderation but don't go overboard.
P.S. Did you notice the green ink I printed this with?
Lori's Letter to Body
This "health kick" is fairly new. Give it time and you'll be a happy recipient, I promise. Love, Lori
Letter to Lori From Her Muscles
We muscles are in so much pain we have to use the microphone on your laptop to write this. That contortionist class today has us all in excruciating misery. I know you're not enjoying the pain, or looking like a fool trying to do all those twists, lifts and stretches and failing to hold, hold, hold. Did you happen to notice too that you do not have the rhythm to keep up with everyone else? Your idea of one, two, three, four is one, pause, one, pause, three, pause, two, pause, collapse and moan.
I hope you'll run to Home Depot tonight before it closes and purchase a forklift to get yourself out of bed tomorrow morning. We will be stiff and unyielding, and feel like a red hot piece of iron being pounded on an anvil. You can use that emergency fund you've been saving up. Believe us, it's an emergency and you know it well.
P.S. Here's a brief note from your left hip:
Remember when Jacob wrestled with the angel of the Lord and when he asked the angel to bless him, the angel pulled his hip out of the socket? Poor Jacob limped until his dying breath. Please, take me to the doctor, because I think it's what happened to me today. Thanks a lot.
Your disjointed painful friend,
Hip Hip No Hurray
P.S. And now a word from your neck.
You have often said people, places or things are a pain in the neck. Obviously, it's a figurative saying - an idiom. It's a common saying to Americans. But now I am literally in pain. I have mild arthritis, or have you forgotten? Exercise is great but contortions are not. Did you enjoy my pain after class today, and the accompanying headache? Who do you think you are, Exercise Barbie? Think again. Get out of the contortion business and let me be an idiom once again.
P.S. And now, back to muscles.
Please promise us you won't put us through the torture chamber at the Y anymore. We sent an emergency telegram to your common sense and the letter was returned with a stamp - Resident moved with no forwarding address.
Weak and throbbing,
Lori's Letter to Muscles and Neck
Dear Muscles and Neck,
Thank you for your concerned letter. I totally get it. I am hoping to track down common sense and reevaluate the class. I don't have enough to cover the purchase of a forklift. Could you spot me a fifty?
Letter to Lori From Her Taste Buds
We miss the taste of sugar. We miss the taste of salt. We are sick of whole milk in your coffee. And decaf? What's the point? We are sick of the texture and taste of sticks, twigs, nuts, and seeds in your cereal and bread. We are so done with broccoli, which has a really yucky fibrous type of texture. If you insist on eating it, boil the dickens out of it and let the vitamins fall where they may. At least it's softer and tastier. Smother it in butter and salt once in a while, too. We are craving those ten inch, plump, flaky-to-perfection, custard-filled, chocolate eclairs from the Butcher and Baker in Port Gamble. It's a long way, and they are four bucks a pop, but worth every mile and penny. Call Nancy and Susan and put it on your schedule.
We would love it also if you'd go back to eating more bacon. You know as well as we do it is the breakfast of champions. Buy a big package of those Kirkland real bacon crumbles at Costco and start putting them in everything you cook again. They are great with roasted green superfoods and in your omelets. If you hear from your nose, he will tell you he misses the aroma.
Lori's Letter to Her Taste Buds
Quit whining. I know you were kidding about the taste of broccoli and superfoods. I love the taste when prepared right. I need the nutrition also.
I need to tell you that I find you guys the most difficult. You are tempters. I say to you - Get thee behind me Satan.
You are going to get used to textures. I promise I'll try to not overwhelm you with sticks and seeds and all. I'm thinking of going breadless and stick with hot oatmeal and raisins or blueberries for cereal and continue to eat a lot of eggs. They are nice and soft and tasty, don't you agree?
Please send your sweet and salt craving to the abyss.
Letters to Lori From Her Brain and Its Chemicals
Hi, it's your happy friend Pituitary Gland. I am also representing endorphins. As you may or may not know, I reside in your brain. I love you, baby. I can't seem to stop producing endorphins when you exercise, but that's a good thing. They told me to tell you thanks for getting them out and about. I love spitting them out to spread their wings and fly. It's such a great feeling to provide them with good jobs - to make brain chemistry great again. We appreciate the million bucks sensation when you are ready to go home. We love hanging out with you for the next few hours. Keep it up. And hey, don't listen to those whiners from the letters above. They are nothing but spoiled sports, malcontents, and full of entitlement. They are nothing but big drama queens. I would, however, ask you to reconsider giving them cheese. Cheese goes well with whine...Bwahaha.
Love Love Love
Pit and Endos
P.S. Serotonin wants to speak to you.
I want to thank you for keeping me busy and in high spirits. When you exercise, I get the fun of relaying signals between nerve cells, and neurons. We rise up and call you blessed.
P.S. Brace yourself for the next letter.
I am your long lost friend depression. What's with putting me out to pasture by exercising and eating better? Am I that terrible to live with? I've resigned myself to the medication you've taken for years because I know it's not always the only way to keep me away. I'm not happy battling those loony tune endorphins who run circles around me. I'm outnumbered and it's not fair. And Serotonin, how come he gets an extra boost? Can't he be content with medication?
Don't you miss hanging out with me in bed? I do. I feel so rejected when you leave home for hours having fun with your friends and locking me away with hopes I will never return. I have only been allowed to a few brief visits for an hour or two or a day here and there in the last year. You know, it's been a long time since we've spent a lot of time together. I miss you, but you don't seem to miss me at all. I don't like it when you call me Eyeore either. At least that manic Tigger hasn't been around for a long time either. He makes the endorphins look like slugs. I need to say goodbye now and find a place to pout and lick my wounds.
Thanks for nothing,
P.S. Some weirdo is looking for you below. I hope you treat him better than me.
It's me, Common Sense. Ssh! I've been stalked since last Thursday when you started that core class with Terri. I don't know how much longer I can hide. I know I'm right to have you take that class. So what if muscles have pain, it only lasts a few days. The thing is, at some point, they will adapt and learn to love core workouts, without pain and stiffness. They will love being fit and trim and making you stronger. Who cares if your timing is off and you haven't much rhythm? You are competing with young people and hip hop and trendy pop music. Haven't muscles noticed that when you stoop down you have to grunt loud and grip a table or counter to get up? It takes you like forever. Have they not heard you yell for people to help you up? Lori, please don't give up. You can do it. What's that? You're ready to take the muscle's side? Noooo. Oh, all right. Rowing, bicycling, walking, and strength training are noble exercises.
Oh, before I go, I saw a class for chair aerobics. That might be easier. Check it out and get back to me. I guess I can come out of hiding now. Hello, world!!!
Hugs and Kisses,
P.S. Don't believe your son Jake when he says "Common Sense isn't so common." We are still growing, aren't we?
Lori's Letter to Brain and Its Chemicals
Dear Pit and Endos,
I am so thrilled for you all. I consider it an honor to make you happy and active. Because of you, I am enjoying the ride, although today I overdid it in other areas of my body. I promise to continue to keep all of us happy by exercising.
Believe you me, I love it when you are high and busy. When you're happy, I'm happy. I will continue to keep you busy and full to the brim.
This is goodbye.
Dear Common Sense,
I'm glad you got ahold of me. I was about to send out a search party. I need you very much in my life. I believe your twin brother is wisdom. Have him send me something too and I will be forever grateful.
Your faithful friend,
I hope these letters from my body did not put you off from exercise and healthy eating. If you already exercise and eat well, I would appreciate any additional advice in the comments. If you're considering going on a health kick, don't get anywhere near your mail box.
© 2019 Lori Colbo