I have landed myself in a situation I’m not supposed to be in. It doesn’t make any sense, and I don’t understand how anyone who knows me just accepted my situation like that and even congratulated me. Have they met me? I am the world’s most selfish person, and today I’m receiving a philanthropic award for my outstanding contribution to the world. How is no one suspecting anything?
The motions first started when I was “window shopping” along one of the busiest streets in one of the richest countries in the world. (By the way, when I say window shopping, I really meant browsing and stealing.) Anyways, while on my shopping trip, I came across this antique shop selling the strangest looking furniture and decorations. The shop looked like it came straight out of a horror movie, but when I saw how much the products are worth, I stayed. Maybe I could take something small and inconspicuous, something the shop owner will never know I took, sell it, and then holiday in another country where I can “shop” again. Walking through the narrow store aisles made me extremely uncomfortable. Antiques, while expensive, smell like utter dog shit. It was probably due to the lack of windows in the store, but I was honestly ready to leave when I a light sparkled at my eyes. It came from a little drawer opening and inside laid the shiniest gold lamp I had ever seen. I figured it would be worth at least a few thousand, and I instinctively swiped it. And like every other cliché storybook plot, I rubbed the lamp to clean it, and a genie popped out. No one ever tells about the near cardiac arrest the genie will send you into when they first pop out.
Following your usual storybook plot, the genie said he could grant me 3 wishes. Surprised at the absolute treasure I scored; I thought little when he asked for my first wish. I just sputtered whatever that came into my mind first, which was a lobster sandwich. The genie magically cooked up the most delicious sandwich I had ever tasted, and I was ready for my second wish. Except, the genie cooked up 100 more other sandwiches.
“One lobster sandwich is enough, genie,” I said.
“Oh, but how wonderful it would be if everyone had a lobster sandwich as well?” he gushed.
And so world hunger is solved. Every time I get hungry, I would get a lobster sandwich including everyone else who was also hungry at the same time.
“Must you really disguise it as a donation?”
“Well, people can’t know I exist, can they?”
When it came to my second wish, I wished for the same thing a lot of people would’ve, which is to have an endless supply of money. The genie, of course, gave me all the money I desire, but he also gave money to everyone else who needed money. And he disguised it as my donation. Again. And I don’t know what magic he used because somehow inflation didn’t happen, but I was just glad I had infinite money. Though I was getting annoyed in my genie’s “good things should be shared with everyone” philosophy, so for my third wish, I wished for something immaterial. I wanted cooler weather because I don’t like the heat.
And so my genie solved global warming.
So, now I’m in this huge event held in my honour for my contributions to the world, solving not one, not two, but three separate huge problems that were plaguing the globe. Honestly, if I just had to receive the award and go right into retirement where I can suntan with a cool summer breeze on my private island surrounded by my sandwiches I would’ve no problem with it, but now the world is expecting me to do something even better, even greater. That would also be fine if I had my genie, but I used up all three wishes, and he’s gone. How am I supposed to solve more world problems without magic?
The moral of the story is: don’t ever be selfish people. Because you might stumble across a benevolent genie twat that goes around serving people other than yourself, and now you have to be selfless for the rest of your life.
What kind of sick cosmic retribution is this?
© 2022 Alison Lian