Q. Hi, Corona, how are you doing? Or should I call you COVID-19?
A. I'm doing great, wink, wink. First, let me introduce myself to your readers. I belong to a flu family. Out of love, people used to call my father, Swine flu, and my mother Ebola. Our family members all had a pet name, like, Spanish flu, bird flu, et cetera, so you can call me COVID-19. More than 4 million people around the world call me COVID-19, so never mind.
Q. What's your nationality?
A. Americans say I'm Chinese, but actually, I'm a global citizen as you can see I can travel around the world without a visa or a passport.
Q. What's your current address?
A. Well, I used to live in Wuhan, China, but now I'm on vacation and traveling around the world, so I don't have a permanent address right now. It's a long vacation though.
Q. Who are your ancestors?
A. Well, do you have enough time to go into history? Long story short, SARS is a close relative of mine, we're cousins.
Q. How did you manage to be trending on social media, for months?
A. To tell you the truth, when you infect, sorry, affect
almost 4 million people globally, and my media manager says that I have got the potential to infect, again, sorry, affect another 4 million and more 'till the end of 2020 as the lockdowns ease, fame naturally comes to you, bro, it's just natural.
Q. Do you think that you brought any positive changes in peoples' lives?
A. Certainly. Well, there's a list of positive changes; let me share some.
I made people more religious. As modern technology/medicine has thus far failed to control me, people pray a lot and that has brought them closer to God.
I've made peoples' lives simpler. People avoid unnecessary travel, they've stopped fine dining, and they're giving more time to family members. People even date virtually, wink, wink.
I've made earth greener. The sky is clearer than ever. Water is cleaner. And, yes, I've narrowed down the inequality gap.
Q. For how long do you think you'll remain in news headlines?
A. 2020, definitely. 2022, first half, yes, I'm pretty much sure about that, beyond that, I doubt. Well, my cousins, Bubonic Plague, SARS, and Polio do make headlines every now and then, so I cannot tell you exactly. I may remain in the afternoon bulletin for summers and then again make headlines in winters, so you may never know.
Q. What pisses you off?
A. Social distancing. I want to party, but it's strange to see people confining themselves inside a circle of chalk markings. How can one enjoy if there's a 6m distance between you and your friend? You know what I'm saying, right?
Q. What are your current goals?
A. I want more than 80% of the world population to stay home, get paid leave, and watch Netflix. I want people to enjoy, 'at home'.
Q. What are your future plans?
A. I know Big Pharma is conspiring against me by killing me with a bioweapon called a vaccine. I know that their research is inadequate, but as I said I hate social distancing and I need some rest, so I'm planning to hibernate in permafrost with my cousin, Bubonic Plague.
Interviewer: Thank you COVID, it was nice talking to you.
COVID-19: Pleasure is all mine. I'll be available in winter if you want to know about my future projects.
Interviewer: Sure. Done. Take care. Have a nice vacation.
© 2020 Bilal Fazal