I Am Evolving... You Are Not

Updated on December 24, 2017
Halima Adebola Fo profile image

Halima is a graduate of Anatomy. She is a writer, and an educator.

Marriage is always a work in progress

I am evolving... You are not

Deji met Sandra at the University. It was love at first sight for him. Sandra was everything he had hoped for in a woman; intelligent, outspoken, beautiful and smart. She was the vice president of the University Debating Society, and went on many competitions for her school, excelling all the time. She graduated as the best student of her department, and got automatic scholarship to start her masters program. Deji was also the President of the Student Union Government of the school.

They admired each other's strengths and felt like they complemented one another. They went for club programs together, debates, charity events around the state. They formed movements on ideals they believed in, and excelled together. It was as if they were made for each other.

After school, they got married, to no one's surprise. Deji got a job in a multinational corporation, and Sandra started working at the University as a lecturer.

Few years and two kids later, Sandra was rapidly moving up the ladder of the academic world. She was a fantastic keynote speaker, a well sought after lecturer all over the country and beyond, and a business woman of great acumen.

She was always attending self development seminars, reading self development books, progressing intellectually, physically and socially.

Deji got laid off at his place of work, and decided to work for a smaller company. The company paid fairly well, so he did not bother himself about looking for more. Everyday after work, he stayed in front of the TV until midnight watching one movie or another. Same thing during the weekends. Whenever Sandra was going for one of her seminars, she invited him, but he was not interested. He stopped going for their weekend gym activities, complaining of stressful days at work. He just wanted to watch movies, eat and sleep, and perhaps, argue about politics with his friends who came around sometimes.

One Saturday, Sandra was in the kitchen preparing lunch for her kids. She could hear Deji laughing with his friends as they watched soccer on the TV. Suddenly, the topic changed to her.

"My wife will be an associate professor soon." Deji said proudly.

His friends congratulated him and told him how lucky he was to have such an amazing, hardworking woman as a wife. They kept on talking, and Deji said,

"I just love that woman!"

Sandra sighed where she was and wondered, could she say the same thing about Deji? Was she still in love with him? During their university days, he was a proactive person, a leader, an ambitious man.

Now, he was contented with the way he is, in a way that irritates Sandra. There was no motivation from him anymore. The fire in him that attracted him to Sandra was not burning any longer.

Sandra realized just then, that she didn't love him anymore.

She was evolving everyday, he was not.

Her fire was burning brighter in all aspects, she was the same person from the University, but better. Her husband's fire was... Stagnant.

Issues such as this ruin so many a marriage. When you fall in love with some one, you fall in love with them because some things about them attracts your attention, and your passion for them builds.

But when those things are not there anymore, or are not improving, then you start feeling you don't have the same feelings for them again.

That is why it is always a bad idea to get married to someone JUST BECAUSE of their killer figure.

Marriage is a lifetime commitment, hence, it should not be a boring, monotonous arrangement. Couples need to keep on improving on those qualities that got each others attention in the first place. You don't just become relationship-lazy just because you already won the prize, because after the thrilling period of "being crazy in love" passes, the little ways you work on to improve yourself for you and your partner sustains the marriage.

Let me know your views on this.


© 2017 Fowosire Halima Adebola


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    • Halima Adebola Fo profile image

      Fowosire Halima Adebola 3 months ago from Osogbo, Nigeria

      Thank you dashingscorpio for your views! They are quite enlightening.

      Sometimes, successful women don't go for ambitious men or men with same streak as theirs because they need a 'financial provider'.

      They go for ambitious partners because motivation comes from different areas; and a partner will also be part of that source of motivation through their words, actions and success. He does not necessarily have to be as rich as she is.

      Likewise, there are some successful men who begin to lose affection for their wives when they realize their wives don't have passion for self-success, and the wives only bask in the glory of their partners. Such men may stylishly let the wife know she needs to improve on her outlook on life; or he might start admiring other successful women around him.

      The most important thing is for partners to understand why they fell in love with each other in the first place, and to work towards preserving those things, and improving on them.

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 3 months ago

      "Now, he was {contented} with the way he is, in a way that irritates Sandra." In other words (he) was happy she was not.

      There are three basic reasons why couples split up

      1. They chose the wrong mate. (They're too incompatible)

      2. A "deal breaker" was committed in the eyes of another.

      3. They fell out of love/stopped wanting the same things.

      Over time we're either "growing together" or "growing apart".

      Communication is the GPS for all relationships. It lets you know which direction you're heading towards.

      I could not help but observe a possible gender issue here.

      I suspect if it had been the other way around where the man was climbing up the success ladder and his wife was content with her job and socializing with friends he most likely would not have fallen out of love with her simply because (her career) was not matching (his).

      There are lots of successful women who proclaim they're having a difficult time finding a man because men are "intimidated" by their success.

      The reality is for most of these women their "must haves list" have not (evolved) to match modern times of equality.

      They're still seeking men based upon their mother and grandmother's criteria for a husband! They believe the man should always earn more money than the woman and be the main provider no matter how much money (she) earns!

      Essentially they're locked into gender role expectations for men while at the same time enjoying the benefits of living in an era where women have better career opportunities than ever before.

      Long ago and for many generations only the men worked outside of the home, paid for everything, and they were happy to have a stay at home loyal wife raising their children and taking care of the home. Their marriage was viewed as a "partnership" and not a "competition".

      When you think in terms of "you & me" instead of "us & we" that's when things start to fall apart.

      I bet Deji loves Sandra (the person) more than her career.

      Imagine if Oprah insisted her man make as much money as her... She wouldn't have a man! This is true of many successful women!

      The smart ones realize once they have amassed financial security they're FREE to look for other characteristics when it comes to choosing a mate. They don't need a "financial provider".

      I bet there are a lot of women who would be glad to trade places with Sandra having a man who adores her, is loyal, works, NOT engaging in various vices (cheating, gambling, abusive, or is never home with the children...etc)

      "The grass is always greener on the side you water."

      - Michelle Obama