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I Have Nothing If I don’t Have You!

Writing is my passion. I have an undying thirst and quest in the field of writing. Some eat, drink, or use drugs when stressed; I write.


Life as I know it has been a step in the right direction. It has become the continuation of something astonishing. I did pretty well on my own. For a long time, I had everything all in control. There never was a problem I could not face. Even when a challenge came my way, I was in front of the test. Everything fell into place until now, and that when I realize; I have nothing if I don’t have you.

My mistakes led me to you. I made choices, some right, and some wrong. And I lost the love of my life; I wish he did not have to go. With a lost love and a wake-up call, I must acknowledge; it was the first time that I ever felt powerless. I cannot go backward and would not want to if I could. Going backward means I can not see what is coming next. To fully live life, I must live in the present.

As I reminisce back to how my mistake brought me to you, the despair comes from a sense that life challenges guide me in the wrong direction. Life is what I make of it. I asked myself, is the wrong decision wrong if it teaches me a rigid lesson and brings me to the right place? A young lady determined to win, seeing life as a giant chess game with the possibility of winning or losing. This regard placed me under pressure in decision-making. Although I must admit without mistakes, I cannot make the connection between my actions and consequences.

No one enjoys making mistakes; it took me some time to realize that, although no one loves making blunders. Everyone makes them. We all make a wrong decision, and I am no exception. The only way to live your best life is to experience and learn from the incorrect choices.

Growing up, my parent taught me obedience is essential. Therefore, I thought, if I obeyed and did not do what my parents disapprove of, my life would be much better as an adult. I seriously thought the obedient children's life would go a lot easier than the disobey kids. The children who did not obey their parents probably will defy their teachers and others in authority, and their life will have dire consequences.

I assumed my parents and grown-ups around me knew everything there is to know about life. So, whatever they told me, I followed suit — presuming they know what’s best for my life. Only, each time my life hit a crossroads, I felt stressed. I didn’t grasp what options were available to change things so I can have a happier and more successful life.

After naively thinking long as I did what my parents ask of me, I would be knowledgeable and when the time comes. Eventually, everything would fall into place. Boy, how wrong I was. I was constantly frustrated, especially when the outcome didn’t meet my expectations. And what I didn’t realize was — what was best for someone else might not work for me — even if I did everything my parent required of me.

My parent did not tell me about the “life journey” and what my options were. I had all these questions running around in my head, and I wonder what I could have done differently. I constantly felt that I was walking around in the dark without light. At any juncture, I can only put in my best efforts to make the best decision and the outcome I have to live with for the rest of my life. That when I arrived at if I want a successful future, I have to take charge.

As I think back to graduation, it was then that I took charge of my life. I can remember being so energetic and feeling like I can tackle the world. Against absolutist thinking: to navigate my life, I enrolled in college, pursuing a career that brought about a good salary, but it didn’t bring happiness. With a pursuit of happiness, I regard old problems by shedding previous tasks and assume new ones, face life cheerfully, let things flow naturally forward.

After seeking a change in my career, I was a girl who needed to make a decision. Seeking a resolution, my best friend proposed to treat me to lunch. I accept, and we meet. As we talk, I experience intense pain that I could not identify. During challenging times, the world is a dark place. My tenacity was to ensure that there is light despite all the darkness. To do that, I must see the possible good in future events, then see that there is light.

Anyone can be positive, happy, and appreciative when everything is going well. But when nothing is going well, it is time to concentrate, to see the light at the end of the tunnel. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel. It is in our moment of trouble that the light appears far. Trying to reach the light in the dark, my friend advises me to look within myself, examine my heart, and search for answers. As we talk, a slender, handsome young man walks to the table and volunteered to pay for lunch. He asks me my name, but when I open my mouth to talk, my voice cracks. My girlfriend told him my name and asked if he wants to sit at the table.

He sits and introduces himself. After hearing his name, I realize he was that weird little boy that lived next door to my Aunt. Who would have ever imagined the peculiar little boy that got on my nerves during my visit to my Aunt would grow up and change into a handsome young man? A guy any woman could adore with an entire personality change and one for the best.

The moment he sits at the table, he saw through me like a gauzy dress a woman wears without a slip. He gave me vital words of advice that could have deflected in several ways, but I choose to allow it to assist me in understanding I can get in my own way. After I knew he was one of a kind, a guy who could bring out the best in me, and it was at that moment, I knew I was so in love with him.

We date for a little over a year and then got married. I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. Before God took him home, we shared thirteen years. I can remember his home going like yesterday. With tearful eyes, I view his body. We shared a telepathic connection that was so engaging until it was as I experience one ultimate moment. We shared this moment in time, and his last words resonate with me like he tries to be there for me in my time of need.

Life, as I knew it, is nonexistent from losing the love of my life. It disheartens me. For this reason, I call upon you to grant me a new vision of thy truth. God, I need you; I don’t have the strength to achieve this alone. The ache feels like the end of me. Most High, I ask you to help me desire to live another day. I invite you to come into my life to take heavy burdens from me. It is hard to find my way. I have nothing if I don’t have you.

© 2021 Pam Morris

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