I Couldn’t Hear My Screams

Updated on January 31, 2018

I Couldn’t Hear My Screams

The man that made me a victim and a now proud survivor was working in New York City for a European consulate. We were dating. We had several dates in fact.

We went for dinners, plays, walks, brunch and hours of banter on the phone. In fact it was lovely and I started to see a possible future with this man. He was a gentleman, smart, funny and interesting. Was this my man? The future was gleaming with excitement.

I believed he was “courting” me and I was more than happy to accept.

I loved learning about each other over dinners and strolls. He was impressed by my love of architecture and would kiss me softy as I gazed up towards roof lines and balcony railings.

This all changed without notice and without the ability to hear myself scream. I tried to scream harder than I can explain. I swear I did. I tried to bite, scratch and kick but my mind had no control over my body. Screaming so very hard.

The inability to hear myself was at the end of another wonderful date with one exception I had to use the bathroom before I started the drive home.

My gentleman arranged with the doorman to keep an eye my car running and warming while I went into the apartment. ”I will be down very soon” and we slipped into the elevator.


When I was allowed to descend in the elevator it was the next morning. He slowly and in a very controlled manner slid open look after lock. He watched as I scrambled for my clothes as if he had won a game. I was handed a parking ticket for a garage around the corner he told me I would find my car there. I accepted the ticket and don’t remember walking out of the lobby.

Torn stockings, bruised flesh, the sound of locks being engaged one by one, screaming but sound not escaping my body rushed through my head. Something that would never escape my body, heart or memory. I left with unbearable emotions. Emotions that had never before existed within me.

I couldn‘t go to the police. “I shouldn‘t have had to use the bathroom. They would see me in the morning light dressed for evening and think “I asked for it”. They would think I was a whore. They would think I wanted it.

I just wanted to find my car and hide in my car. Mascara stained my cheeks, red marks on my neck. I pulled the torn stockings off and my underwear off as I drove across Central Park. I felt like the criminal as I looked for a trash can to get rid of every part of him. If I could I would have ripped my skin off and left that behind. The smell of him the stale clothing the terror I needed it off me.

I poured an old bottle of seltzer over my hands and face trying to wash my memory away. It didn’t work.

As I watched the liquid trickle into the gutter it took the pure innocent vein of my heart with it.

My wholeness, My dream like fairytale of the future taken. The clean part of my insides mixing with the dirt in the gutter. The clear now turning into a thickened mud slowing to a stop.

Was I now the whore in the gutter? Would I be able to lift my soul and spirit into a state of cleanlines?

The journey that was ahead would be transforming.




They Would Think It Was My Fault

As I watched the liquid trickle into the gutter it took the pure innocent vein of my heart with it.

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No comments yet.

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, letterpile.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://letterpile.com/privacy-policy#gdpr

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)