How to Stay Alive During a Zombie Apocalypse: A Survival Guide for Beginners
Zombies Are Apex Predators
The most important thing to understand about zombies is that they are apex predators. Apex predators are creatures that stand on top of the food chain and eat everything under them.
Humans used to be the ultimate apex predators. We eat everything that moves and we drove thousands of species into extinction in our never ending quest for tasty food. It did not matter if the creatures were big and mean like saber tooth tigers, or slow and docile like the Dodo - we ate them all. But we got soft.
We no longer had to fight off packs of wolves or take on an angry hippo with nothing but a spear. We humans started to think that we could enjoy the fruits of our labors. We could order out and or just go through a drive through, and a series of events rippling though a long and invisible supply chain would magically produce a piece of cow between two pieces of bread.
Unfortunately nature has a way of shuffling the deck and one day we will wake up to find that we aren't the ultimate predator anymore; in fact we will have become the prey.
The Zombie Apocalypse Begins
We can't be sure exactly when or where or even how it will start. Extinction level events have a tendency to sneak up on you.
Perhaps there will be news reports of strange outbreaks of violence in major cities, or a strange illness that no one can understand how it is spread. No matter how it starts, the end will be the same: panic and alarm followed by you fighting for your life against the hordes of undead that used to be your family and neighbors.
Inevitably the army and police will disintegrate because cluster bombs, helicopter gunships, tanks and machine guns are always useless against lumbering zombies who just keep coming over open fields. Even though the Army and Marines will break and run in the face of zombies, somehow organized gangs of bikers will survive and even thrive in post-apocalypse America. We don't know why this is so, but you can count on it.
And you and your small group of survivors will be left alone, facing impossible odds.
Fortunately you can help even those odds by learning these basic tips on what to do when caught up in a zombie apocalypse.
1. You Don't Have to be the Fastest, Just Faster
As with bears, you don't actually have to outrun the zombies. You just have to be faster than the guy behind you. Once they catch him, the zombies will be busy feasting on his entrails and you can get away. So make sure to exercise and build up your cardio endurance. In a pinch you can also trip the guy in front of you and pass him.
2. Abstinence is Best
Zombies may seem obsessed with eating brains but they also have feelings. They resent the fact that no one loves them and everyone wants to shoot them in the head. This makes zombies sad.
Sad zombies are jealous when humans are happy; they are especially jealous when they see a young couple making out because it reminds zombies of how lonely they are. So if you are kissing or making love with someone, the zombies are going to sneak up on your and your friend and eat you. It is unavoidable.
The best way to avoid this is to form no attachments and avoid giving the zombies any reason to single you out. You should especially avoid falling in love with any survivors; such a move will only end in tragedy.
3. Live Like a Monk
We have already touched on the fact you should avoid having sex with anyone during the zombie apocalypse, because if there is anything that zombies like eating more than brains it is the brains of two lovers caught unawares. But this is only half the battle; you also need to avoid any luxuries.
While you are foraging for food in the ruins of looted grocery stores and vacant homes, you will eventually come across an overlooked stash of whiskey and you will say to yourself, "I'm going to drink my cares away and forget about this apocalypse for a while. What could it hurt."
Then you will start swigging from the bottle, remembering the good old days before everything went to hell, and the next thing you know some ankle biting zombie will have his teeth clenched over your leg.
We don't know why this is. Probably it is because zombies are jealous. They don't like it when humans get some loving, because to be a zombie is to be forever alone; and they really don't like it when humans get drunk or find other ways to enjoy themselves, because, after all, zombies just have no life.
So if you want to survive the zombie apocalypse, avoid any temptations. They are a sure path to zombie oblivion.
4. It's Never Just a Flesh Wound
Inevitably someone in your group is going to get bitten or scratched. They will know that this means a death sentence as soon as the zombie virus does its job, but they will try to put off the inevitable and pretend that they are okay. So they will hide the bite mark under their clothes and blame their fever on the heat, or a flu, or whatever, until all of a sudden they will turn and you will be fighting off Aunt Edna with a skillet.
Remember: there are no flesh wounds. Do what needs to be done before they turn into zombies. You will be doing them a favor.
5. Never Go to the Bathroom By Yourself
Privacy is one of the first casualties of a zombie apocalypse. The minute you go into the bush or behind the corner to take care of business, out of sight of your buddies, the zombies are going to get you. This is how they hunt.
When you have to relieve yourself, make sure that one or more of your friends stand guard. Otherwise you are going to get caught with your pants down.
6. It's Never Safe
As you wander over the blighted landscape of what used to be America, you are going to find little pockets of survivors. Ask yourself: how have they survived so long, and maintained a pocket of civilization amid all of the chaos and bloodshed? The answer is that they haven't. No one comes through the zombie apocalypse unscathed; and nice guys get eaten first.
Those nice people offering to take you in and give you shelter are almost certainly cannibals or crazed cultists you are going to kill you in your sleep. Avoid them, or get the jump on them. It is the only way.
7. Be a Mall Ninja
As mentioned earlier, armored vehicles, automatic weapons and explosives are always useless against zombies. The armies of the world never trained to shoot slow moving targets coming at them at a speed barely faster than a turtle and so they just won't know what to do. Our best soldiers are going to be eaten in the first few days of the outbreak.
You may think that arming yourself to the teeth would give you a competitive advantage over the undead, but you would only be repeating the mistake of the Army and Marines. You need to be like a ninja, fast and deadly, and kill zombies one by one because this makes the apocalypse much more dramatic and sporting.
I recommend that you find the first mall ninja store and find yourself a nice Klingon blade or Samurai sword, especially the ones with the decorative handles and frilly things hanging from the hilt. These weapons are much more effective against zombies than, for example, a M-1 Main Battle Tank. Tanks are for cowards. You should face your zombies head on, slicing and dicing your way through the horde!
When the Zombie Apocalypse starts, you are going to have to rely on yourself and these tips to make it through alive. Good luck!
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
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© 2019 Robert P