How the Grynch Stole Everything!
Down in Not-ville
Liked living a lot…
But the Grynch,
As to the Not’s living,
The Grynch found Not-ville and the whole Not-ville reason
Of helping no matter the season displeasing.
It could be that his brains were battered and broke.
It could be, maybe, that his breath smelled when he spoke.
But no, that wasn’t the reason to call.
The problem, you see, is he had no heart at all.
Regardless the reason,
His heart or his breath,
He stood on his stoop thinking of torture and death.
Staring down from his mansion with a grimace and growl
At the meek life of the Nots in their little town.
For he knew every Not down in Not-ville below
Was busy being happy with little at all.
“And just look at them grabbing their food stamps!” he lashed.
“They are looking for handouts, stealing my cash!
“To waste on food and clothes, it just isn’t funny!
“There simply MUST be some way to take ALL the money!”
If he didn’t, he knew…
…All the Not children from Timbukone to Timbuktu
Would grow up feeling just like they MATTERED, too,
And then oh how fate would whirl and twirl!
They might elect a NEGRO, or even worse, a GIRL!
Then the Nots, young and old, would sit down in peace.
Not scared in the least!
And there’d be PEACE!
Calm people don’t buy things to keep rich folks wealthy.
They don’t shoot each other. It just isn’t healthy!
And THEN he imagined
There’d be a thing
That just wasn’t right!
Every Not down in Not-ville, the dark and light,
Would decide they were equally worthy of caring,
And kill precious money by all just sharing!
They’d share! And they’d share!
AND they’d SHARE! SHARE! SHARE! SHARE!
And the more the Grynch thought of this Not-love-fest,
The more the Grynch thought, “I simply MUST stop this!
Why for twelve generations my family’s been rich!
For all remembrance it’s been our ass you kiss!
…But what happens when rich isn’t RICH?”
Then the Grynch had a thought!
A terrible thought!
GOT A TERRIBLE, DISGUSTING THOUGHT!
“Here’s what I’ll do!” He screeched as he expelled some gas.
“I’ll just stroll down the hill dressed in faux worker class.
“And convince the Nots their neighbor’s sloth is to blame
For all of life’s injustice, frustration, and pain.”
“I’ll need a hard hat,” Thought the Grynch.
“And some Godly line…?
“‘People who help one another hate God!’ Yes, divine!”
Though actually a phrase
That didn’t work a bit,
He’d say it and say it until that dumb slogan fit!
He’d put it on coasters and toasters and guns!
He would even slip it into Cosby reruns!
He loaded tubs
With free stuff sporting his brand,
And for some bizarre reason,
Some books by Ayn Rand!
Then the Grynch jumped in
His behemoth Range Rover,
And down he sped
To see how his scheme would go over.
The Nots were skeptics, and said as much aloud,
But they were outdone by the plants in the crowd
Who were paid each a shilling to back the Grynch proud.
With deep pockets and a cross around his neck,
The Grynch thought to himself, “This job should be quick.”
And while the Nots began to hate all their neighbors,
The Grynch bought Congress with hookers and party favors.
Slowed only once by a Senator with virtue true,
Until that sly Grynch exposed this man as a Jew.
“My taxes will go first,” the Grynch said with a laugh.
And now when the levees break folks just takes a bath.
No healthcare, schools, or good roads, what a problem to spin,
But the Grynch swayed the people it was their fault again.
And the Nots went hungry while the Grynch was sated.
So the Nots robbed each other. They killed and berated
For silly things like beliefs and orientation,
While the Grynch just watched on in anticipation.
He watched as neighbors died of third world diseases!
He laughed as he heard their wheezes and sneezes!
He took all that comprised Not civility and ease.
Why, that Grynch even disposed of their government cheese!
He took that for which the Nots had struggled and strived.
“And NOW!” the Grynch howled, “They’ll wish they were not alive!”
It was at a foreclosure, a thing the Grynch loved,
When he was startled by the gentle voice of a dove.
He turned around fast, to a child sickly and weak.
It was Niecy-Know Not, just old enough to speak.
The Grynch grinned to see this Not family’s daughter,
As he readied himself to go for the slaughter.
And in a hollow voice, she said, “But Grynch, sir, why,
“Why did you let my whole family die? WHY?”
But you know that Grynch, so slithery and cunning,
He thought up a meanness that struck him as funny!
“Why is it my fault your folks were lazy and dumb?
“Why is it my fault your little fingers are numb?
“Your parents died because they didn’t love you enough
“To do all the things so you would have enough stuff!”
And little Niecy-Know Not,
sick with lice on her head,
Went and lay by her family to share their deathbed.
And the Grynch, often too busy to enjoy such things,
Watched Niecy drift away with her parents and siblings.
Then the Grynch sighed,
“If only I could take their souls!”
HE imagined gathering them all up into a bowl,
To eat with a side of port and a yeasty yeast roll.
And leaving that house,
Still in a wonderful cheer,
He thought, “Why, I must be Businessman of the Year!”
He did the same thing
To other Not houses
Leaving the dead
For all the Not mouses!
And at just past light…
All Nots far too hungry for bed,
All Nots were instead quietly
Counting their dead,
While the Grynch counted his coins! His cash! His house keys!
And of course he counted his government cheese!
The Grynch watched his profits soar up! Up like a bird,
But underneath there was resistance to be heard!
A grumbling from those not quite yet starved out
Who still had the courage and strength left to doubt
“I hear them whining!” the Grynch said with a fright.
“I hear them blaming me in groups of the Night!
“Some Nots down in Not-ville are still BURNING BRIGHT!”
“That’s a noise,” growled the Grynch,
“That I MUST investigate!
“That I MUST stop before it is simply too late!”
And he used all his influence and money, you see,
To find out just where their peaceful protest would be…
The Grynch found out where!
Why, how this made him merry!
Then he hired
The whole Not Military!
He stared down at the Not-protest!
His eyes scanned the scene!
The Grynch gave a signal!
And the crowd, oh how they screamed!
Every Not in Not-protest, the bony and weak,
Were riddled with bullets before they could speak.
The Nots COULDN’T stop the Grynch, no not at all!
And somehow he had conquered them, one and all!
And a tired, lonely Not, cast out in the cold
Would wonder not long, because he wouldn’t grow old.
“How did the Grynch take our freedom? Our good will?
“How’d he take all our money while we paid the bill?”
And he wondered for hours, till his wonderer was broke.
Then he had one final laugh at this big cosmic joke!
“The Grynch,” he thought, “is the nastiest thing you’ll ever see.
“And as a result, he’ll always beat you and me!”
And what happened then…?
Well…in Not-ville they say
That the Grynch’s ego
Grew ten sizes that day!
And as soon as his head didn’t feel quite so light,
He found himself a crown and a robe purple, bright
And declared himself king of the NORTH, SOUTH, WEST, and EAST!
And the people…
All hail the Grynch! All hail the beast!