Monologues and Dialogues
Come on in. Grab a seat. I know what your thinking. What have I done now to be in hospital. Well, it started this morning. Gloria from the save the Newcastle hedgehog Brigade. Lovely women, tends to wink a lot when talking to you but a beautiful knitter despite this. She asked me if I'd make some of my famous meringue cookies for a bric a brac sale she was holding for hedgehogs with three legs. She would make them but she's so millitent with her views she can't get a light peak with her whipping action, so I said of course.
Anyway I was just putting in my second tray into the oven and stood up and next thing I know I'm lying on the floor being fondled by Terry, my husband.
'What you doing' I said, 'your getting soil over my Victorian style full cover kitchen apron.'
You see what had happened, I'd stood up, fainted, as I went down knocked the tray bake of custard creme sponge fingers which also knocked the the homemade Raspberry Cremon glaze filling, knocking me on the head. Meanwhile, Terry who's in the garden dead heading the perennials, hears a commotion, rushes in and sees me lying on the floor just as I'm coming round, sees the red raspberry Cremon glaze, thinks I've stabbed myself with a spatula and starts checking me out for stab wounds. I said 'Terry how can you stab yourself with a plastic spatula even if it is from the House of Fraser, Ainsley Harriot, non stick collection.'
If that wasn't enough, he's phoned for an ambulance, telling them I've got a puncture wound. They've sent out an ambulance. Lovely pair, checked me over for any sprains or cracks I said to the one running his fingers up and down, you bake don't you, you've got a lovely light touch, I bet your flakey pastry is to die for. He said I wouldn't know, I've got a Gregg's just round the corner so get my sausage rolls from them, I said your missing a treat then.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, they think I should come into hospital to be on the safe side. 'I can't do that I say, I've got two trays of sticky fingers and a sheet of chocolate chip meringues to have ready.'
But I don't argue and go in anyway.
3 hours waiting on a trolley with only a digest weekly to thumb through. Then I see a spectacled youth. Hold my hand Terry I say, could be one of those crazies you see on Holby. Tells you he's consultant of A and E, fondles you all over then you discover he's a janitor from Matalan.
He assures me he's a qualified doctor and shows me his badge. You could have smiled I said. 'They don't like you smiling,' he says. Laughter lines distorts the face and you can look like anybody apparently. I said you look like a young Tom Jones, less curls but that's a good thing. Too much testicles causes too many curls according to mother. But she thought Liberace was married and had three kids so what did she know.
Well to cut a long story short. Nigel, that's the consultant thinks its my HRT patch, it's been too strong, have you noticed anything strange since you've started taking it?. I says will that explains my arousal for Alan Tichmarsh and my inability to get over Bonnie Langford leaving EastEnders. He says he doesn't know but wasn't she good on dancing on Ice and thinks I should go for an X ray and best to keep me in over night cause of the bang on the head. I said you don't want that, you need the beds. I saw that Labour leader, you know, the one with the funny hair, they all have discruntal hair but the one I'm thinking of has awful taste in ties too. Anyway he's been banging on about it. ITS Okay Mrs Pierce, he says, we've got one bed with a wheel missing and will only go round in circles, you can have that one. Well that made me laugh, I said your not going to be short of answers are you. He says I'm not, you've got to be ready for every situation in this job.
Well to cut a long story short, here I am. They've been lovely to me so far. Though don't have the tea if they offer you one. I had a cuppa earlier on and it's not PG Tips and no sign of a fondant fancy that you used to get. I blame decimalisation for that.
Don't worry about the chair, she won't worry about you borrowing it. That's Hilda. Gone to the loo. Piles. Been ages. They gave her a stool softener but told her it would take a couple of hours to take effect so could be ages yet.
Oh that's Elsie awake. Sleeps most of the time but when she wakes up, she thinks she's Shirley Bassett at the Albert Hall. Her 'Diamonds are forever' is a treat to behold but when she slips into Gracie Fields and 'Wish me Luck as you wave me goodbye,' brings a tear to your eye. Like a short Kiri Te Kanawa.
Gallstones apparently. Found her in McDonald's talking to Ronald on the wall. Looking yellow and flatulant, they firstly put it down to strip lighting and pickled Gerkins, but realising it was small tea and a hot apple pie they thought they better look into it.
Tried talking to her over there, Tracey from St Alexander street, her little enclave she says. I thought ENCLAVE, it's a cul de sac. A street where they run out of money to build more houses and have to come back on themselves. I didn't say it out loud, she's just had stitches in her backside. I said how did you get a cut there. She said 'Well I went to close the cutlery draw with my hip, got my knicker elastic caught in the handle and it flew out as I stepped towards the sink.' I thought, your asking for trouble parading about in just your knickers, especially if you don't use oven chips. Of course I didn't say anything. But I gave her a look that says yeah I know your story.
That's Mildred on the left, lovely lady, I know her from the church. Now that's one person who can turn out a good Battenburg cake. In for knee replacement, no surprise, always on her knees either praying or scrubbing the steps. I said Mildred, Flash do an excellent scrubbing brush that disenfects as you go, no need for getting down. I had to laugh at her answer to that. ' If god had wanted us to use a broom he'd have mentioned it in the Bible.' I thought yeah he doesn't mention a three wheeled electric scooter either but it didn't stop you getting one. I didn't say anything obviously.
I had to send my Terry home AGAIN. Told him to bring in a nighty and one one of my Agatha Christie's. What did he do, grabbed a pair of track suit bottoms and a book on Feng Shui. I said what you brought these for, I'm not going to run around the hospital rearranging the furniture. So I wrote it down and sent him off.... Here he is, see what he's got this time.... What's that? Your off? What's your name? Lorraine? You must be Hilda with the piles daughter, yes .... Probably be ages yet.
© 2020 Richard Laverick