Hard Cheeses Prohibited: Comedy Flash Fiction by cam

Updated on November 4, 2017

Are All Cheeses Created Equal

Source

Craig opened the door to his apartment and held a cold beer out at arm’s length. Ralph entered, grabbed the bottle and went to the kitchen counter where he perched himself on top of one of the stools. This was choreography, practiced daily and perfected.

“Got any cheese?” Ralph took a long draw from the bottle and belched.

“Aren’t you even going to say hello? Or excuse me?”

Another draw from the bottle. “Hello, excuse me, got any cheese?”

The two, along with another named Jonesy, lived in the same apartment building and were best friends, although Craig had to wonder why from time to time.

“Would you like to see the cheese menu?” For Craig, this was one of those times.

“No thanks, just run through what you’ve got, and I’ll choose.”

“Brie, Buchette, Bleu––”

“Something that doesn’t begin with B, please.”

“Camembert.”

“How about cheddar? It’s still in alphabetical order, and I don’t have to use a fake French accent to pronounce the name.”

Brie Cheese and Crackers

Source

Craig set out a plate of brie and crackers. Ralph pinched his nose and ran off to the living room with his beer.

“Cheddar is a hard cheese and therefore, in my book, not cheese at all. In fact, I call it, cheddar-not-cheese,” said Craig.

“Colby.”

“Not-cheese.”

“Monter––”

“Not-cheese. Hard cheeses have been dehydrated during processing, and are therefore, hard. If you want cheese jerky, you’ll have to go elsewhere.

“This…” Ralph raised his arm and pointed his index finger at the ceiling, a gesture he often used when he was about to make a point. “This is cheese discrimination.”

“Yes, it is.” Craig raised his own arm and index finger.

“Are you mocking me?” Ralph’s hands went to his hips.

“Absolutely.” Craig’s hands followed suit. “And I’m on a roll, so keep going.”

The Cheese Shop Sketch, Monty Python

The apartment door burst open, and Jonesy entered. His arms were loaded, and he deposited his burden on the counter. He stepped back and motioned toward half a dozen, foot-long, brown cardboard boxes. “Cheese.” He smiled and crossed his arms. “I just came from the government building downtown. Can you believe it? They’re giving away surplus cheese.” Jonesy was giddy with delight. “I got some for all of us. Ten pounds each.”

“Awesome.” Ralph grabbed a box and started opening it.

“Not-cheese and you can’t open it here. Take it across to your apartment, Jonesy, and serve it there.” Craig grabbed the box from Ralph and put the top back on.

“Have you ever had this stuff on a grilled cheese sandwich? It’s to die for.” Jonesy started picking up the boxes, his excitement smothered under a blanket of Craig’s unenthusiastic response.

“Yes, to die for,” said Craig. “Which is what you’ll do if you eat it, because it’s quite literally, not cheese.”

Ralph opened the door for Jonesy, and they walked across the hall.

“Come on in Ralph,” said Jonesy, giving Craig a sideways glance. “I’m gonna make you a cheese sandwich you will not soon forget.”

“Yeah,” said Craig, closing his door. “That’s because you’ll be reminded of it irregularly for about two days.”

Processed Cheese Food, AKA, Government Cheese

Source

Questions & Answers

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      • profile image

        Lawrence Hebb 

        14 months ago

        Cheddar not a cheese!!!

        Next you'll be telling me English Beer isn't Beer because it's served at room temperature!

        Enjoyed the story, but Cheddar is real cheese, and the longer aged the better.

      • cam8510 profile imageAUTHOR

        Chris Mills 

        14 months ago from Flagstaff, AZ

        Gilbert, it's good to see you here today, especially since you came with the helpful insight I have come to value very much. When it comes to comedy, everything I write is still an experiment. So I've got these three characters doing my bidding in comedy scenes. The stories they appear in are very dialogue heavy and don't really read like short stories. A commercial for cheeses. Now that in itself is funny. Thanks again for the honest feedback. It always is taken seriously, even when it comes to comedy.

      • rebelogilbert profile image

        Gilbert Arevalo 

        14 months ago from Hacienda Heights, California

        Chris, I think this short story is amusing. In a funny sort of way, it seems like a commercial to get people interested in buying cheeses. I know that I feel like having a grilled cheese sandwich with light beer tonight. Excellent images. I realize you wrote a short-short.

      • alancaster149 profile image

        Alan R Lancaster 

        15 months ago from Forest Gate, London E7, U K (ex-pat Yorkshire)

        Not forgetting the Big Cheeses in Washington DC and Don One, the 'Grocer' in the Oval Office.

      • cam8510 profile imageAUTHOR

        Chris Mills 

        15 months ago from Flagstaff, AZ

        Larry, thank you.

      • cam8510 profile imageAUTHOR

        Chris Mills 

        15 months ago from Flagstaff, AZ

        Eric, When dealing with a seven year old, I imagine just about any topic will spark a thousand questions, all beginning with "Why?"

        Thanks for reading and stopping in to comment. Your Velveeta and American sneaks are a secret with me.

      • cam8510 profile imageAUTHOR

        Chris Mills 

        15 months ago from Flagstaff, AZ

        Alan and Ann, I'm opening a cheese file on my laptop.

        English Cheese Sources:

        Hawes in Wensleydale, North YorkshireGayle, just outside Hawes in Wensleydale, North Yorkshire

        "Chelsea Pensioners (nothing to do with Chelski FC), the men in scarlet coats and black caps or tricorns from the Royal Hospital."

        English Cheeses

        "Stilton, Blue Stilton, Red Leicester, Cheddar (the real thing), Double Gloucester, West Burton and Wensleydale, Swaledale and Teesdale (Cotherstone)"

        Cheddar-(Ann)-"no.5, just about the hottest there is."

      • Larry Rankin profile image

        Larry Rankin 

        15 months ago from Oklahoma

        Well done!

      • Becky Katz profile image

        Becky Katz 

        15 months ago from Hereford, AZ

        Cam, Hawes Creamery is on Amazon.

      • alancaster149 profile image

        Alan R Lancaster 

        15 months ago from Forest Gate, London E7, U K (ex-pat Yorkshire)

        Cheese? Ask a Redcoat.

        The real English cheese experts in this neck of the woods are the Chelsea Pensioners (nothing to do with Chelski FC), the men in scarlet coats and black caps or tricorns from the Royal Hospital. They're the bees knees when it comes to the venerable dairy product.

      • Ericdierker profile image

        Eric Dierker 

        15 months ago from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A.

        Oh my relating this story to my 7 year old brought out one thousand questions, the answers to which did not seem to satisfy.

        I took a "labeling law" class back around '80. There is no way government cheese should be called cheese. It is a flagrant misrepresentation.

        And please do not tell anyone but I sneak some Velveeta and "american" from time to time. Bleu and Brie for me and we get some great goat cheese from Mexico.

      • cam8510 profile imageAUTHOR

        Chris Mills 

        15 months ago from Flagstaff, AZ

        Ann, the power of fiction. It emulates and stimulates reality. I'm on the prowl for a No.5 English Cheddar. Thanks for stopping by and for leaving us with a delicious thought.

      • cam8510 profile imageAUTHOR

        Chris Mills 

        15 months ago from Flagstaff, AZ

        Alan, thanks for the suggestions. I'll give it a try. I am a cheese lover, and I'm sure I would appreciate a genuine, English Cheese.

      • annart profile image

        Ann Carr 

        15 months ago from SW England

        Great flash fiction, Chris! I'm imagining a whole universe where cheese is the focus.

        English cheeses are indeed fantastic! If you're going for Cheddar (the village where the cheese is made is about 10 miles from where I live), then it has to be a no.5, just about the hottest there is. We call a cheese hot when it is strong and leaves a really tangy after-taste - delicious!

        I have two favourite cheeses - total opposites - Cheddar and Camembert. Probably something to do with loving English & French cheeses in equal measure!

        You've sparked a cheese conversation already - are we actually living in that fiction of yours?

        Ann :)

      • alancaster149 profile image

        Alan R Lancaster 

        15 months ago from Forest Gate, London E7, U K (ex-pat Yorkshire)

        You could contact the Hawes Creamery for their products. They have a web site, just enter their name in the search and click on the link that crops up: Gayle, just outside Hawes in Wensleydale, North Yorkshire is the location. I don't know what the US Government/Customs/Post Office stipulations are about receiving deliveries of cheese. You should ask. One of the US Stores such as Macey's might have a contract with the Hawes Creamery. Ask.

        We have processed cheese here as well, and if you've eaten the real thing it's like 'slumming' in a rooming house after staying at the Hilton.

      • cam8510 profile imageAUTHOR

        Chris Mills 

        15 months ago from Flagstaff, AZ

        Okay, Alan, I reread your post. You said conversion, not conversation. Yes, that might have been a possibility if you were there to sell him on English cheeses. I don't think Ralph or Jonesy were up to the task.

      • cam8510 profile imageAUTHOR

        Chris Mills 

        15 months ago from Flagstaff, AZ

        Alan, but the whole story was a conversation :p Yes, a terse ending with a hint at the irregular bowel issues that would be caused by the "not-cheese."

        English cheeses sound fantastic. Do you take mail orders?

      • alancaster149 profile image

        Alan R Lancaster 

        15 months ago from Forest Gate, London E7, U K (ex-pat Yorkshire)

        "Big cheese keeps on turning - rollin', rollin', rollin' down the hillside..." I prefer mine crumbly, like Wensleydale or Blue Stilton... Definitely not Brie or any of these French cheeses that smell the house out. You can't roll a Brie down a hillside, that's something English cheeses excel at. Cheddar's good on toast, with English mustard spread on the cheese before it goes under the grill! Ah, I start to drool just writing about it.

        Mind you, you could have let this story 'roll' a bit more. I was surprised at the terse ending. Maybe you should have had Craig undergo a conversion. Some versions of 'Cheddar' are a bit bland. The wife and I go for the mature Cheddar with or on crackers, although you can also get the Extra mature - real tangy stuff!

        English cheeses pleases: Stilton, Blue Stilton, Red Leicester, Cheddar (the real thing), Double Gloucester, West Burton and Wensleydale, Swaledale and Teesdale (Cotherstone)... Getcher jaws round them!

      • cam8510 profile imageAUTHOR

        Chris Mills 

        15 months ago from Flagstaff, AZ

        Becky, the fact that you like government cheese and cheddar won't be a big problem as long as you don't stop by Craig's apartment for a visit with a tray of assorted hard cheeses featuring a large chunk of Velveeta.

        Nice to see you. Thanks for the comment.

      • Becky Katz profile image

        Becky Katz 

        15 months ago from Hereford, AZ

        Cute, I like the government cheese though, and cheddar is one of my favorites. I like the sharp particularly. Velveeta is not cheese.

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