Peter the Poet
The Face of Chrislam?
This is an excerpted fictionalized story, as extrapolated from the Chrislamic Text, cited below for clarity, as told by the learned scholars in Bangor, Maine, seat of The One True Faith.
Please also note:Chrislam, Chislam and Christlam are interchangeable. This naming convention is hotly debated to this day and this report uses several naming conventions in keeping with the One True Word.
This story was approved for publication in those little booklets you find on restroom urinals, by Our Father of Craig Ministries, out of Big Sky, land of the Democratic People's Army of Montana, in the year of our Prophet, Peter the Poet, 2132.
All saviors have a beginning...
In the beginning, there was Peter. And Peter was bad. But luckily, Peter left his mark in the Chrislamic Texts, forever. And he was not a cannibal.
Praise be unto Peter.
Peter won the prize that day. Let that be forever remembered.
We know the story. We all remember the prize.
And what was the prize?
As you may recall, Peter's prize was his life. But not eternal life. It was eternal damnation in the eyes of Gallah the Eradicator. The best prize of all.
The Chrislamic Caliphate had willed it thusly; that the heretics and faithless must die. In exchange, those chosen as Cleansers of Souls, would be given the gift of life -- on this plane of existence.
In other words, those like Peter, would be tolerated and not eaten. They would, in the eyes if Gallah, be forever consumed as wafers -- along with a sip of blood wine.
Peter was a Cleanser. It wasn't a bad existence for him. He was still allowed to carry his Bible and pray. He could attend services with the few remaining Christians, so long as he promised to kill them later.
But he could not speak openly or in any way preach his faith. And best of all, he could kill the Anti-Chrislamites with abandon. A calling he exercised daily, we are told. To be Christian or Muslim meant death.
Peter knew of the original Christians and how they had hidden underground and prayed. How they conquered Ancient Rome and how their numbers had grown for thousands of years. That is, until the Holy War.
Peter also knew about Islam. How Islam had flowered, absorbed much of the known world, assimilated Judaism, conquered the weakness that was Buddhism and installed their Caliphates as stars in the sky. All controlled from the former Great Empire of New Syria, founded in the late 2020's.
But as Gallah has willed, religions must fight it out. They must seek the One True God (OTG) and we now know His name: Gallah.
Peter clung to Christ. He ignored the OTG, but killed all non-Chislamites to strengthen his eventual and righteous conversion.
Peter and Gallah were at war. A war of utter love and sublime sacrifice.
If it had not been for the Christians, Islam would have succeeded. There would have been a One World Caliphate. They called their deity Allah, but he was only a son of Gallah, as was the Christian God. The Prophet and the Christ were mere placeholders of the OTG.
Then there was war.The Holiest of battles. Oceans of blood were not enough to satisfy Gallah. Much more was required.
Unlucky for Peter, however, Islam and Christianity blended into a true nightmare for him, after the war. A nightmare of the most sublime and desperately graceful, as all newborn religions must be.
But it is the way of things. Hatred must kill love to become love. It is the way of Chislam. Blood for life. From death, paradise.
Christians and Islam fought the Holy War. It was never called World War III. In the end there were no clear winners. Whole continents lay in ruins. Nuclear wastelands proliferated. Death and disease. Mass starvation. And always, the fighting.
The Jewish Star missiles raked the cosmos, as Islam spread its mighty darkness. Christian armies marched and maimed; and Buddhists preached peace as they passed onward to their oneness.
In the gray death, from the wastelands, Gallah sprung. Like sure footed sow, Chislam was upon the wicked.
Food and water. Having either marked you for death. It was the Hell on earth as dreamed by many a religion since time began. And it bore us the One True Faith. An Eternal Cleansing and most certainly, the OTG.
Peter the Poet never understood that. It had taken the Hell to cleanse the Earth of Heretics and create the OTG. To help us see Gallah in his/her divinity.
The world would have remained a Hell if He had not come, however.
He came to us in the final hour of our need. And He set us upon the Right Path. A path that was Gallah, the supremacy of death.
His name was Craig.
Praise be onto Him.
Craig was the messenger of the OTG.
As told by Peter the Poet, Craig was our final Savior. Not a son. Not a daughter. Not a LGBT. But a hermaphrodite of Gallah. The third way. The hated sibling of God and Allah. He came through a man, Gallah was not of the stench.
And Craig killed Peter with his bare hands, out of love. He strangled Peter in the manner we do to this very day, when men must kill their offspring to ensure that the strong do not starve.
Afterward, Peter's form, his vessel of flesh and bone, an empty sack of all that is wrong the world, was boiled and consumed in the traditional manner.
(Pause in your prayer and contemplate at this point. As a true supplicant, please contribute to the cause. Gallah coins are acceptable at Our Lady of Baiting, Michigan District. Remember, mercy killings are not acceptable on Sundays. Should one be conducted, you must give two Gallah Coins on the following Sunday, to the charity of your choice.)
Note: This text will not debate how Peter continued to record the doings of Craig after his death at the hands of Craig. The Rebirth of Peter is still considered a miracle and to deny this fact is punishable by ever lasting cursing.
But what of Craig, our heavenly founder?
Craig was seen in Ontario after the last bombing. He came in the form a Chrislamic Prophet, dressed in purple robes and wielding the Razor of Occam.
Some say Craig wore a hospital robe, back opened, to reveal the hermaphroditic qualities, but this is sacrilege. Craig's similarity to Gallah remains uncertain.
Anyone repeating this blasphemy will be killed and consumed.
Although, having been dead for nearly a century, as the annals of Peter the Poet describe, Craig appeared unto a group of Christians who happened to be executing a gaggle of well-fed ISIS terrorists in a parking lot, next to Pog's Pig Farm on some backwoods farm in Delaware. The exact location is still a mystery. This was being done, according to the texts, to ensure their lack of virgins in the next life.
It was then, that Craig handed over the Golden Laptop, Linux based, and instructed the faithful about "The Way" to Eternal Salvation through Extermination or ESE.
Naturally, everyone was excited about the prospects of a working laptop computer, since most had been fried during the Holy War.
But what was more, the Christians forgave the ISIS insurgents and released them.
This turned out to be a fatal error. The insurgents promptly beheaded the Christians and made off with the laptop.
Later, the laptop was stolen from the ISIS insurgents.
They had continued their raping and pillaging of the remaining living persons in the former United States.
The ISIS gaggle chanced to visit Bangor, Maine and were eliminated by a lone hacker driving a cement truck. Why the hacker needed the truck, is beyond the scope of this pamphlet, but if you come to our church, listed on the back, we will save your eternal soul, extract any and all funds from your bank account and tell you how wonderful you are.
It turned out that the hacker in question was the very man you may know by name. The hacker, then nearing 90 years of age, and who the Chrislamic Text refers to only as Infinity Man (Gallah 0:0), promptly 3-D printed the Grand Design.
The Grand Design was a file which had been saved to the hard-drive of the computer laptop by Craig himself. The Golden Laptop.
Praise be unto Him.
Scholars have dated the file save around year 2057, but this is only estimated conjecture.
Argument also stems from what were called "computer gaming characters." Gallah the Eradicator" was listed as formidable killing machine in the Game of Gods and we are in agreement with His words. But the idea that Infinity Man designed Gallah is Christian Blasphemy.
Gallah was never a game character. He was real. He is real!
Infinity Man was only a vessel, however. He knew not what he had brought into this world. In fact, Infinity Man thought he was constructing a spaceship that would transport him away from Hell on earth.
But it was not a spaceship. It was our Lord Gallah the Eradicator.
Infinity Man had been a former employee of a world's last giant 3-D printer and computer gaming factory in Bangor, Maine. He had kept the factory operational for over 50 years, after the Holy War.
While reading the assembly instructions for the Grand Design,however, Infinity Man died.
The cause of death was an intestinal blockage as a result of a dehydrated strawberry wafer from his supply of military meals called MRE's, which he had stashed in his office, before the Holy War.
Infinity Man had been what was called a "Prepper," but the meaning of this label has been hotly debated for over a century. (Preppers 8:99.) At any rate, Infinity Man had been suffering from severe aging syndrome.
What is certain as well, is that Infinity Man had become an enemy to Gallah and had to be eradicated.
The Grand Design file, however, turned out to be something else altogether. Infinity Man had printed all the pieces.
On their annual pilgrimage bike ride from Mount Washington, in the New Republic of Vermont, a radical sect of the Holy Rattlers came upon the closed 3-D factory and the desiccated body of Infinity Man.
By this time, the laptop was dead and only a few of the Holy Rattlers even knew what it was. But the pile of strange objects, made from a sponge-like material, seemed to fit together like some giant children's puzzle.
The 3-D pieces intrigued the wayward Holy Rattler Sect.
The Rattlers then spent the next four years riding back and forth from Mount Washington, Vermont, to Bangor, Maine, during the summer, avoiding the cannibal tribes as they traveled.
They took pains inserting the puzzle pieces together and finally, as we all know today, they ended up with the first known statue of Gallah the Eradicator. (Bangor 66:6).
And we all know what happened next. Fort Knox.
The Holy Rattler Sect became bored after assembling the statue and decided to explore, leaving the strange spongy Gallah the Eradicator, in an abandoned warehouse.
They made it as far as Fort Knox, where they were eaten by the Cannibals at West Point.
Although, mostly a wasteland by then, a small group of ragged and educated cannibals came upon the Holy Rattlers near an abandoned Golf Course and charged in on horseback. The Holy Rattlers never had a chance against a small army of meat eating renegades, with working small arms.
We know it today, as the Battle of the Lind and the Rebirth of Gallah. For it was here that the West Point Cannibals found the tattoos of Gallah and a map upon the stomach of a female meal. Apparently, the cook had chanced to baste the flesh in such a way as to reveal the old tattoo.
The map was almost lost, however and we all should remember how it was saved.
The cook was was about to consume medium rare treat, when his slave screamed and pointed at the strange lines surrounding the fried belly button. For his warning the slave was immediately sent to paradise, by strangulation supplication. Naturally, the slave smiled upon his exit from this world and we are forever grateful for his sacrifice.
With the foresight of a blood-soaked military mind, Craig the Junior, as he would later be known, tanned this tattooed map and made his way to Bangor and the closed 3-D Printing Gaming Factory that same summer. (Cannibals 8:1).
Today, that map hangs in the Capitol Building at Miamiville and contrary to popular belief, the belly button is not a representation of the Island of Cubanana. Furthermore, the Savior of the Sacred Martyr of Craig Junior is not an off-shoot of the original Cannibals of West Point. Again, this an item of hot debate.
Today, the one true Gallah stands in its rightful place. At the old 3-D Printing Gaming Factory in Bangor, Maine.
If you should choose to make the pilgrimage, as is required by law, Our Father of Craig Ministries, out of Big Sky, Land of the Democratic People's Army of Montana, will assist.
Donations accepted anywhere West Point Union is accepted.
Note: we offer free excursions to the ancient temples at Washington D.C., and what is believed by many, to be the precursor to modern Chrislamic Thought: the transitioning of the United States to a Pre-Gallahian State and the establishment of Christendom Courts; better known as the Supreme Court of Gallah.
© 2016 Jack Shorebird