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Fauntleroy and Flossy The Midterms


Fauntleroy walked down the hall re-reading the Putt-Baby notes sent to him through one of the backchannels.

Model T spotted him. “Dad, Dad, I am going to start a newsletter for the staff. I am calling it Indictments Today. What do you think? Do you think it should be a daily or a weekly?”

Fauntleroy grimaced. Then went back to number three on the Putt-Baby notes. “You must denounce Church pews. People are kneeling behind church pews. That is unpatriotic.” He glanced at his Rolex GMT Patriot with the latest feature of a calendar day window. “I’m late for a meeting," he called to Model T.


Fauntleroy stepped into the conference room and took a seat. He looked at the many empty chairs. A sheet of paper was on the table in front of him titled roll call. He lifted it. “Paul.” He looked around “Paul. He glanced down at the paper. “Michael. Michael are you here.” He glanced around. “Michael Number two. You here Mike?” He received no answers. He made his disgusted face. “Raise your hand if you are here.”

Three people raised their hands. “OK, let's get started. The first order of business is the issue of church pews. My base will no longer stand for kneeling at church pews. Call Ted Cruz, tell him it is time to pay his dues. Careful, he is easy to confuse. Then get the media here, while you do, I will think of a clever thing to say about them."

Did you all hear what my counsel Goudie Ruliana had to say? It was a beaut. He said, ‘The truth is not the truth. I wish I had said that. Let that sink in, the truth is not the truth, only what I say is true is true. I told a crowd, ‘Remember what you see and hear that is not what is happening,’ but good-old Goudie said it better.”

Then Putinize it


The Camouflage phone in Fauntleroy’s sock rang. He put his hand up to stop the meeting. “Putt-Baby, I am in a meeting, can I call you back?” The voice on the other end of the phone got louder. “Where is my order? I ordered 1,000 Hispanic immigrant children and you have failed to deliver, the Saudis are all over me. See to it?” Fauntleroy smiled sheepishly and hung up the phone and returned it to his sock.

“Where was I? Look, my richest sponsor had a great idea. He has heard ‘the one percent’ so much that he has it in his head that one percent should be his tax bracket. Start drafting legislation immediately that those with a net worth of over one hundred million will only pay one percent on their personal income and capital gains. The people loved the tax break my people gave four percent of them last year."

"Anybody need a break? Take five." He got up from his seat phone in hand and began to type with his thumbs. ‘Church pews and kneeling are unpatriotic.’ He tweeted as he headed to the john. In fifteen minutes the meeting began again.


“Everyone pull out their copy of the enemies list. This is taking too long. Every name on there has taken a position against me, regarding this made up Russian thing. I want names to start being scratched off this list. If they had to go out and make a living, then they would not have time to cause me trouble.”

Those in attendance looked at the thick three ring folders in front of them. So many names in the intelligence agencies and the FBI were listed. His ex-wives, his many hush money babies, his contact names at the Continental Inquiry. Executives at CNM and NSMBC were on the list as was Fauntleroy’s twelfth grade English teacher.


“Goudie Ruliana is writing a report that says the special counsel stole milk money from other kids when he was in the third grade. And also that in high school him and two of his buddies ran through the girls locker room stealing towels from girls. Then he will conclude how can we trust such a dishonest and immoral illegitimate person. How is that for top notch lawyering? And all I did was accept help from a foreign power in order to win a rigged election.”

“Last order of business for this meeting then I will be heading to my tweet hour. The midterm people. We must win every election in November. There are votes to be bought. You, over there, coordinate with the Russians. See if they can dial it in so one percent victories pop up all over the country. Get a hold of Mini T if you need to use the conference rooms at the towers. They will never think to look there again. I particularly want that ‘monkey business’ guy down in Florida to win. I like his style, see to it. I forgot your name, what is it?”

“Vader,” came the response.

“Oh, yeah, you are that ‘eyes wide shut’ guy. I heard you were a nut job.”



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This content is void where prohibited and the implied humor may yield incomplete results. Humor level may be slightly lower in the South.

It is purely coincidental if any of the characters resemble politicians living or otherwise. This content is meant for educational purposes only and is not to be taken as recommendations for future policy.

Content not suitable for all viewers. Discretion is advised, recommended, not optional, though not compulsory. Content has been sanitized for your protection. If you get any on you, wash immediately. Read only in well ventilated area as some readers have experienced nausea, indigestion and other maladies in the digestive tract. Vote for a democrat to avoid painful persistent redness.

David Allan Coe - Penitentiary Blues


© 2018 mckbirdbks

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