Fauntleroy walked hastily into the conference room, looked at all the empty seats and said, “Glad you could all make it. Oral! What do you have to say for yourself? Are you going to be first to take the polygraph test? Someone here wrote an Op Ed for the flailing NYT. We are going to get to the bottom of this. I know you are in this room. You are not going to remain animus, eh er, synonymous,” clearing his throat, “autonomous.”
Fauntleroy called toward the door. “Bring in the graph paper and pencils.”
Oral responded, “That’s not how it works and it’s anonymous.”
Royal, butt in, “Look, Fauntleroy, I’m Royal, your long time Number two. There is no need for me to take a lie detector test; I can draw a graph that says I am telling the truth from memory. I am Royal. You can trust me.”
Fauntleroy looked at the empty chair where the voice was coming from. “Yes, I can always expect loyalty from you Royal, my old friend. Sit there and try to help me figure which one here committed treason.”
“You Leary, what do you have to say for yourself? I suppose you are going to say I have had my eye on you for a long time. Whenever you are around I have a suspicion that something has been removed from my desk. In fact, my stash of Diet drinks looks light to me. Did you write the piece that said madness was the order of the day in the WH?”
Leary gave a wry smile, “Me, sir, oh, no sir. It is the greatest privilege to serve such a distinguished Presi…”
Felony interrupted, “Look, I am tired of listening to this kiss,” cough, “You and I sir have committed so many crimes, that what people say about you is likely my doing. You know that you and your family mean the world to me. Especially Flossy, she is my favorite. Why would I write an Op Ed, you need an education to write an Op Ed, I am surprised if anyone here could do it.”
Fauntleroy looked down at the end of the table. “What about you, Aunt? You are being awfully quiet. That is out of character, even for a minor character like you in my stellar list of personalities.”
“Oral, call in a Page and have them bring in my medication and some diet soda, and a bag of chips, and some of that guacamole dip; but not a California brand. Find some made by Arizona Caucasians. Is there a Norwegian Guacamole company? I will address that in my next term. Oral, why are you still sitting there?”
A page walked into the room and sat down a tray with a soda, chips, dip and his bag of white powdered medication. “Sorry sir, we found some guacamole, the label says Made in Apios Prisons.” She turned and left.
“Good, Made in America,” Fauntleroy mumbled through a mouth full of chips as the crumbs fell on his white shirt and red tie. He eyed the empty chairs, knowing there was a traitor here at the table. He washed down the chips; slopping some liquid down is jowls. “Aunt, don’t think I forgot you. Where were you the night of the release of the Op Ed?”
“You remember Fauntleroy, Flossy was away, and you and I were looking over her wardrobe. That is one of your favorite activities. You know how after a hard day's work, you like to let your hair down.”
Fauntleroy glanced around, he waved his arm, “Yes, yes, let’s move on. We are not going to get to the bottom of this talking about our leisure time activities. Who haven’t we heard from? Fortune, you have not been around in a while. What do you have to say for yourself?”
Fortune straightened the Windsor knot is his silk tie. “Me, I have been taking care of business as usual. We have taken care of the Russian order. We had to pay a penalty. But they are appeased for the moment. The next monthly distribution is coming due. We changed the name of your daughter’s businesses; the public will come back soon, as they have such short memories. It must be a Southern thing. Your sons are off partying, not paying too much attention to business. There are pictures around with them with new girls.”
“Those Southerners, God bless them, every one.” Felony brought the attention back to himself. “It’s getting pretty quiet around here. Perhaps it is time to have the fake passports delivered. I sense the hammer dropping.”
Oral spoke up, “Did you notice President Obama…”
Fauntleroy exploded, “I told you never to mention his name in this conference room.”
“So sorry, your holy Fauntleroyness. It will never happen again.”
Conherway opened the door of the conference room slowly. In her cackling voice she asked, “Are you almost done?”
Fauntleroy gulped down the rest of his soda, dabbed at some white powder on the table, “It appears that way.”
He stood, and she helped him from the room, grabbing the bag of powdered medication on her way out.
“Why am I walking? Why don’t I have a wheeled throne?” Fauntleroy asked Conherway.
No part of this dialogue can be reproduced, redacted, reassembled or remembered. Any attempt to find truth, justice or the American way is a futile waste of time. The inconvenient truth is that all the names used are anagrams from the word Fauntleroy as the Page was named Earful.
Any attempt to investigate the facts, will be traced and your records highlighted, folded and stapled by the deep state.
Fauntleroy and Flossy are not for everyone. Consult your physic healer if you experience the onset of Nero political fatigue. Male Fauntleroy followers, it has been shown that once the Fauntleroy has been removed, your impudent behavior can be corrected; don’t be embarrassed to seek help; it is a mental health condition. Polls show that Fauntleroy and Flossy appeal to fewer and fewer people, as it dawns on them that the antics of Crazytown are consuming their energy in large quantities.
Other nations of the world, don’t try this at home. It is unsafe at any speed.
Apios Brand name guacamole used with permission.
No Caucasians were hurt in the writing of this satirical Hub.
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