My name is Candice Ballinger, and I am a published author and poet.
Faith in a Nutshell
I look over at you and notice that you're calmly scrolling through the news on your phone. I wonder what we're going to have for supper tonight, trying to distract myself from the ache in my bones and weakness in my limbs. I sigh, "So what do you think you'll want to have for supper tonight?" I ask quietly, as I aimlessly interlace my fingers together over and over again in my lap. You peak up at me from your phone the glow on your face from the light of your phone disappears as you lift up your head. "Um, how about tacos? That sounds good to me." You spit out quickly before returning your attention back to your news. I pierced my lips together in a straight line completely unsure why my mood just soured all of a sudden. You're always on that piece of metal and plastic, every single day from the time you get home from working all day till you go to sleep at night. You even continue to stare at the thing when we finally make our way into our bed at night to rest for the night.
You never seem to be too interested in me these days. Which how could I blame you for that, I am a mess, to say the least. But I miss you desperately, and all I want to do is sit by your side and you have your arm wrapped around me, cuddled up next to one another. I miss the times so long ago when we were so close, I can remember waking up each morning and being so excited to get to see you when you got home from work every day. I would pick up the house and get everything in order just for you, to make you happy and so you had a nice clean environment that was welcoming when you made your way back home to me. I would wait by the window in the afternoon around 3:00 pm just looking and watching for your truck to pull up out front of the house. And when you came inside we would sit together closely snug, you couldn't separate us.
But now you come home and you shower and take a seat on the couch while I sit in my chair. We no longer sit with each other. Sometimes I just feel so alone that it physically makes my heartache. We just keep drifting apart and I don't know how we will ever get back to where we used to be, or if it's even possible. With my health problems and my addictions and my mental illnesses I know I'm not the greatest person to be with. And I try so hard to not be difficult as much as I possibly can. But I know it's still hard. I wish I could be all that you need me to be, but I just can't be.
Do you remember, about 6 years ago we laid out on the trailer next door to us in the neighbor's yard and watched a meteor shower together? That was pretty uncomfortable so we ended up dragging out the old box spring we had that was sitting up against the back of the garage and laid it down and laid on it instead. That was one of my best memories of us together. It's was a beautiful sight and you were even more beautiful to see than the shooting stars. I love being with you and I love everything about you. You are my person and I know that I am supposed to be with you I just hope that we can renew our connection. I miss you so much.
© 2021 Candice Ballinger