There was a time where the only act I cared about was the act of making you happy. I have not forgotten how full of air my heart was when I was first exposed to you. Show me who you are; I wasn't dishonest in saying that I wanted to know you. I still do. I have not forgotten how it was you who gave me reason to smile. You; who actually payed attention at one point, who actually listened at one point. And were we lost? When did we begin to lose something that we both knew that we had? We went from support, trust and understanding to spite; expectation and envy.
These roots. We are losing these roots and our foundation has become shaken and this structure is crumbling. You're going to push me away. And I've stayed because I know you don't want to loose me and I know you need me but all you do is break me down in trying to explain yourself and push me away in trying to keep me close and it’s contradicting. If you want me to stay show me that you want me to stay. Because your anger is consuming and I can't be apart of it. I will not be exposed to it because your energy affects my own and I can't constantly be dealing with the rage that lives inside of you because soon it will consume me too.
Is that what you want? You want to consume me? Because I won't let you, regardless of love I love myself first and if I have to let you go to continue to be carefree and happy I will. Here's the issue, I don't want to. I love you, you know that. I would do anything to show you that I love you but I will not be destroyed in the process. You and I started out in a state of accepting growth and the strength to be happy for each other; to make each other happy... I don't know what I've done to make you treat me the way you do but you are not kind. You say you want me; prove it.
Because the conclusion I've come to is that you've forgotten what this relationship was founded on and I am to blame for letting you make excuses and apologize for as long as you did. It's not OK. There are no excuses. If you love me, remember why you do and start acting like it. From now on I will be a woman to a man. This is real to me, and if it continues to break me down inside I will leave you. You have a choice in what you see. If you choose to see a persons’ darkness you strengthen your own darkness within. If you choose to see their light you shine from the inside out. I'm tired of living in the dark with the person I love.
Please stop trying to find things wrong; let's get back to what we've started to lose.
© 2018 Christa Canady